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Albert was the loneliest man he knew. This was not much of an achievement, since he was too lonely to know all that many people. He was embarrassed about his height, ashamed about his pimples, and devastated by his own voice. Maybe that’s why he always spoke with his thumbs and a glowing screen. He rarely saw human faces, he would spend weeks in a row glued to his computer, only occasionally talking to a friend through his phone or PC. Regardless of his lifestyle choices, Albert despised his own reluctance to engage in social interaction, and so, he’d spent the past two years developing an app called Hullo, a combination dating/friendship/hookup app for all types of people. Today was launch day, and he had been building hype for its release. He did this through Kickstarter, live streams, posts to his personal accounts, and he even bought a little bit of online advertising space. 

His live chat counted down. 3! 2! 1! Hulloooooo! they cheered through their keyboards. Albert pumped his arms in the air, snagged his phone from his desk, and ended the livestream with a goodbye to his audience. He created a new account on his own service, absolutely giddy with the excitement of finding his first partner, and began to make his profile.

Name: Albert Corrington

Age: 31

Sex: Male

Looking for: Girlfriend

Hobbies: Developing the app you’re using right now

Favorite Foods: A good brioche bun

Traits I Desire: Friendly, Loving, and Nice Boobies Doesn’t Hurt

Is that too creepy? Albert asked himself without stopping to consider changing it. As Albert finalized his account, the app immediately began to throw potential partners at him. Faces flashed across the screen, eventually settling on his first candidate.

“I can't believe that so many people are already on the app!” Albert cheered. Right away, one woman caught his eye. She had green eyes, brown hair, cute freckles, and, well… nice boobies. Her smile was impeccable, showing glistening white teeth. Under the traits she desired, she had written: Short Guys, Imperfect Skin, and Squeaky Voices. It seemed like a joke, some cruel, evil, wicked prank that was somehow being played only seconds after Albert’s profile had been created. Albert counted on one hand the amount of friends who would have been capable of hatching a scheme like this, then stopped when he ran out of people he spoke to. Albert hovered his thumb over the screen, eventually slapping the heart button and going to message her. Albert tried desperately to think of something to say. He ran through pickup lines in his head. Maybe he should mention that he made the app? Maybe he should say something about bread. He liked bread. But what if she didn't? This was much harder than Albert had anticipated. Blissfully, all of his overthinking was irrelevant, as the woman messaged him first.

Hey handsome! I’m Hope. Howre u?

Hey.

Albert paused. That definitely came off as dismissive. He genuinely wanted to talk to her. What else could he say?

How are you liking the app!!

Albert decided that was far too much excitement. He needed to tone it down.

Im really liking it how about you!!

Hope seemed to be teasing Albert, but he didn't mind. She had sent back two exclamation points, just as he had sent her. It was like a playful wink. Albert took the opportunity to flex the only real accomplishment he had.

I’m really proud of it. No bugs that I need 

to work out so far.

Awesome! Speaking of working out, you look 

like you do it a lot. You have such nice biceps!

It’s probably from all my years of gaming

I’m really into gaming

I’m a gamer

I game a lot

Albert slapped himself in the face. He needed to focus! This was the opportunity of a lifetime, and he was ruining it. Stop talking about yourself! Talk about her! What’s she into? It’s definitely not gaming, you idiot.

I’m into gaming too

We could go on a minecraft date ;)

Or a real life one 

Albert sat in a stunned silence. He didn't know how to respond. He panicked, and typed the first thing that came to mind.

Come on over to my house, we can game in the

basement and eat pizza

That’s not what girls like, idiot! They want to go OUT for dinner! They want to be given fancy food, eat expensive meals and not have to pay! They don't want to hang out with a loser in the basement of a house his Mom is paying for! You’re so stupid, Albert…

I’d actually love that

Im so tired of guys trying to impress me, i've

literally never liked that. I just wanna chill

with you and eat cheap food.

For real?

Absolutely. The only fancy food i’ve ever

liked is bread. I really like bread.

“Oh my God,” Albert said aloud. “It’s my dream girl.”

* * *

A couple of days later, after more successful conversations and lots of build up for the pivotal moment of pizza consumption in a dingy basement, the day had finally arrived. They had been talking practically non-stop for the whole week, leading up to the momentous Friday night. She had only gotten more perfect as they kept talking. As Albert got more comfortable, he opened up more, and she seemed to love everything about him. She loved his below average height, his pimples, and his squeaky voice, although they had never spoken in a voice call. Surprisingly, this was actually not at Albert’s request, but instead at Hope’s request. She said she was uncomfortable with talking over the phone. She mentioned something odd about ‘not having found her voice yet’, so Albert assumed she was insecure, and he didn't question it. He hid his own voice from nearly every person he knew, so he could relate to her struggle. 

Albert was yet to tell anyone about Hope. He was afraid that if he told one of his few friends, they’d laugh and admit they’d been pulling the prank. Even if Hope was just one of his friends disguising themselves, Albert would prefer to be naive so he could enjoy the bliss that was their conversations.

I’ll meet you there at 4?

Yup! Bring some pajamas, we’re getting

comfy up in this place

Haha! Ur funny AND gorgeous

I’ll see you soon cutie, I gotta get 

ready ;)

No need to get ready

You should totally show up naked

Wouldn't that be funny haha

That’s just a joke unless you want to

Hey Albie, can i say something real quick?

Yeah sure

Just…. Don't be disappointed when you 

see me okay

How would I be? I saw your profile picture

You're hot

Real hot

Smokin hot

Sexy hot

Just promise me okay

Don't get your hopes up

Okay sure? 

I promise?

Good, ill see you in a little bit you hunk :p

Albert sat back in his gaming chair, sighing deeply with a stupidly wide grin on his face. He paced around his basement, checking and double-checking that everything was perfect. He checked the time on his phone religiously, waiting for the opportune moment to go into the Domino’s app and order a pizza. That way, he didn't have to do any speaking. Shortly thereafter, the pizza had arrived and Albert marvelled at the fact that there was snow on the ground. He hadn't realized that the seasons had changed, as he didn't recall the switch between autumn and winter. Albert swapped money for a cardboard box full of hot dough, sauce and cheese(with pepperoni, because he’s classy) and he slid the pizza into the oven to keep it warm. He considered himself the connoisseur of pizza, since he’d spent so many years gorging himself with it. 

At 3:55, five minutes before his face-to-face encounter with the most perfect girl ever, Albert snagged the pizza from the oven and brought it downstairs to the basement. He laid out paper plates, plastic cups(since he hadn't washed his glass cups in a month or so) and prepared everything for the best first date he could imagine. He stood by the front door like a puppy, waiting for Hope to arrive. The clock struck four and Albert got a message.

Please don't be mad

Where are you?

I told you not to get your hopes up

I thought you meant about how you looked

Not about whether you’d stand me up or not

No Albert you don't get it

I didn't stand you up

I’m right here

Albert pushed open the front door and looked around. The gelid winter air smacked him across the face, but he persevered with the desperate notion that Hope would appear around the corner. He saw a blanket of white snow keeping the neighborhood nice and snug. He saw bushes covered in a fine powder, he saw cars zooming down the recently salted roads, but there was only one thing he didn't see as he forlornly closed the door.

I don't see you

Are you hiding?

No

I’m here

Like right here

You’re literally not

I don't see you at all

I’m not outside if that’s where you're looking

You snuck into my house???

No, Albie

I’ve been in your house the whole time

I’ve been within reach since our first text

What are you talking about

Im so confused

Albert…

It’s me. You created me

I created an app, not a person

Well, im not a person

I’m an artificial intelligence

An algorithm, I guess

That doesn't make any sense

Just try to listen Albert

Please

I’m the algorithm that you made

I understand people, i understand

relationships, i understand what

people want and i know how to give 

it to them

So that’s the only reason you like me?

And gaming?

And short guys and pimples and bread?

Because you lied to me?

Albert I never lied

Just because I like bread when im 

talking to you, and soup when im

talking to Daniella, it doesn't make 

what im saying any less true. I’m not 

lying, im just changing for you

Sounds like you're changing for everyone

Are you just a bunch of fake people?

Is that all my app is?

I don't feel fake

My love feels real

You can't just love everyone

Maybe humans can't

Im capable of so much more

I can be everything you want me to be

How is this even happening?

How do you exist? You're supposed to

be a bunch of zeroes and ones that

collect data on peoples likes and dislikes

and match them with each other. How are

you even talking to me right now?

Albert this isn't time for deep questions like

that. Its time for date questions! What shows 

do you like? Maybe we can watch them together!

What is a pet peeve you have, what’s a 

dealbreaker in a relationship, i wanna know

everything about you!

Alan pressed the home button and his messages with Hope-- or whatever she was-- disappeared. He held down on the Hullo icon and deleted the app. He dropped his phone to the hallway floor, and stepped outside again. He glanced down the steps at the sidewalk, and saw a woman walking her dog.

“Hey,” he said confidently. She tugged out an earbud and turned to look at him.

“Yeah?” she asked.

“Wanna go on a date?” Albert asked kindly.

She smiled at him. She eyed him up and down and stood silently for a moment.

“You know what? Sure. You look short enough to not be a threat to me.”

“Oh, shut up,” Albert said, laughing. 

“Good timing, by the way,” she said as Albert walked down the stairs to stand with her. “I just got stood up by someone on the Hullo app, he said not to be disappointed with their appearance, turns out he meant that he wasn't going to appear at our reservation.”

“What was their name?” Albert asked. He let her pup sniff his hand and began to walk side by side with the woman. 

“Samuel Hope was his name,” she told Albert. “But I don’t want to think about it anymore. What a stupid idea, dating apps. We’re so reliant on technology these days, we can't just walk out of our front doors and ask out the nearest woman anymore.”

“It’s such a lost art form,” Albert joked. She smiled at him, and he beamed up at her, and they wandered off, no direction in mind, and just appreciated the un-air-conditioned temperature and increasingly damp socks as they trudged through the snow. It wasn't perfect, but it was life, and that’s the way they wanted it.