Dement

Wait, who are you again.  No, you’re not my daughter.   Have you seen her though?   You must be a friend of my daughter’s.   I’m not signing no legal papers giving you nothing.   No way.  I ain’t stupid.   What’s your name?   It is?   That’s also my daughter’s name.   That’s weird.  

      Maybe I’m asking for the wrong person.   She got a job at a law firm a few weeks ago.   You know my daughter passed the boards to become an attorney at law?   She got in a great school, too.  Soon, she’ll be married and have . . . You gonna come to her wedding if that happens, right?   Good.  That’s what friends do.   Why you visiting me instead of her?  

     What is this place?   Who lives here?   What?   No.  I live at 32575 Wintergreen Drive in Solon, Ohio.   I don’t?   You don’t even think I know where I live?   Who are you, again?   Who do I think you are?   What is this “20 questions”?   Bring Fluffy here?   No, he ain’t dead, where is he?   Sure, I do.  Probably in Shaker Heights or Parma or something.   Florida?   Some government fool named a city in Ohio, Florida?   Yes, I know Florida’s a state, but I know I live in Solon, Ohio, named after some Roman God or Goddess.  You know where Gradma Mary is?   Maybe she could tell me what the hell’s going on around here.   Dead.  

     Am I on “Candid Camera”?   It’s on ABC at 7 pm.  What time is it?   What do you mean it’s canceled?  You know, Bill said “‘The World’s a Stage” in the Scottish Play.   Bill wasn’t on “Candid Camera”.  Have you seen my mom.   You haven’t.  You know where I could find a pay phone?   So I could call my mom and she could tell me what the fuck’s going on?   Busy?   Busy doing what?   Ok.  You answer my questions and I’ll answer yours.   She’s dead?   No.  What happened?   Old age?   Ok, what’s your question.  You must be a complete moron.  It’s 1965.   Not yet.  I got plenty of years to get married.  But.  Ok, if I’m married and have kids then how come some friend of my sister’s is here with me instead of them.  That don’t make no sense.  

    Busy?   I yelled at them?   You’re either stupid or crazy.  How old am I ?  I’m 27.   Go to the bathroom with you?   We just met.   Anyways, I already have a girlfriend.  Margarette.   

     Now, it’s my turn.   Where’s the pay phone in this place?  What?  Ok, then this must be someone home, where’s the landline?   Cellphones?   What the hell you talking about?   A cell’s something you see under a microscope.   Things like sperm, viruses, bacteria.   What kind of cell is it then?   Cellular?  You sure this ain’t “candid camera”?  

    Is my sister ok?   Are you sure?   Maybe she got into an accident and she’s in the hospital with a brain injury and needs my help.   Maybe my mom’s in trouble.  Quick.  I gotta get out of here.  How do you know they’re fine.  They can’t be fine if they’re not calling or visiting me.   Maybe you’re an undercover agent trying to keep me from my family.   How do I know you’re my sister’s friend.   Maybe you’re just pretending to be my sister’s friend.  Where did you meet my sister?   You’ve known her all your life?   Then why won’t you take me to a pay phone to call her?   Maybe you’re one of those scam artists from Iran and you’re selling my sister into prostitution and keeping me from protecting her.   What was the first dog we got her named?   That’s right.  You do know her, unless you have one of those secret ear pieces from the CIA.  Quick, let me see your ears.  There’s nothing in there.  I mean you got a brain, but, no not butt, but like but why would she tell you about her dogs?   That don’t make sense.  Unless, maybe you’re a stalker?   Why does this matter?   So you don’t scam my family out of my money.  

      I know where “Carmen Sandiago” is.  Where’s the poppy?   You know?   You grind up the coffee beans and you put it in the poppy.   Next thing is you’ll tell me there’s no wash boards or ringers for our clothes.   You must think I’m an idiot.   Sierra?   Who’s that.  Who just spoke?   Hello, Lisa, daughter, that you?   Your phone?   Ok.  Let me see.  I’ll call somebody who’ll tell you what for.   What all these strange buttons.  Apps?   You mean amps.  I don’t need no amps, my hearing’s fine.  This must be one of those damn rotary phones.  I always hated these damn things.   Well, guess these’s something on the bottom to spin it with, so here goes.   Gotta wait for the fucking dial tone.   What you mean it don’t work that way?   What?   You think this my first time using a rotary?   I’d like to meet the man that made this and kick his ass.  

     Did you buy this piece of shit?   What do you mean it’s you phone?   You just said “This is an iPhone,” and I means you, so it’s your phone, right?”   Apple?   You mean that piece of shit in your hand is a Macintosh Computer?   Hell, if the morons in Congress hadn’t bailed them out so Microsoft wouldn’t be a monopoly, then they’d have been bankrupt years ago.  Now, get that piece of shit computer out of here and give me my telephone.  

     Maybe Lindsey’ll understand.  Our next door neighbor.   Look, I feel like a broken record.   What’s a record?  You know, LP’s, 45’s, 33 1/3, 78’s.  Next thing you know you’ll be telling me you ain’t never heard of Osh Kish.   Here, I’ll go in the kid’s kitchen and . . . Where is it?   The play kitchen we had since we was kids.  You didn’t throw them out, did you?   No, this is Solon, Ohio.  You take 480 to 422 and there are three exits to Solon.  We’re off of S.O.M. Center Road.   Forget about Florida.   We’re not in Florida.  Florida is where Mickey Mouse, Universal, Lego Land and all that stuff is.   My Case Manager.  What Case Manager?   Why the hell would I need a Case Manager?   Confused?   I’m not confused.  Look, just get my sister on the phone and she’ll straighten everything out and give me a ride back home.  

     Who the hell are you?   Ok, have we met before?   I don’t remember you.   Dementia or Alzheimer’s.  No.  I know my name, I know where I live, this lady knows my sister.   No, she’s not my sister.  Don’t you think I’d know my own sister if I saw her?   This gotta be “Candid Camera”.   Ok, guys, come out with your cameras.  

      I see no one’s coming out.  What the hell’re they waiting for?  Then what is this place?   My home.  No, no, this looks nothing like my home.  My home in Florida, but why?   No shit I hate the cold in winter, but . . .Florida? This is 19 . . 2036? But? Turn on the TV. Where’s the remote. Who’s Alexa? What the hell’s going on?