Capital Punishment: The Game Show

*** contains curse words

“Helloooo America, are you ready for Capital Punishment?” An eccentric man screams into a gold plated microphone. He’s standing on a vibrant stage in front of a live studio audience.

The audience uproars with excitement and glee. “Okay, okay everyone,” the charismatic person continues, calming everyone down. “I’m your host Felix Baldwin.” His silver hair is slicked back. He's the prototypical attractive and cheesy game show host.

“Ohh Sandra,” he calls out, extending his arm to the curtain behind him. The crowd goes wild. “Please bring out Mr. Caliburn.” A young blonde walks up from behind the curtain. She’s wearing a revealing judicial robe. It’s sleazy, provocative, and all for the ratings. She’s escorting Mr. Caliburn, a disheveled thirty year old, to the stage. 

The cheers from the audience get louder in their lust for her, and their hate for Mr. Caliburn. Sandra placates the cheers revealing some cleavage, as she escorts Mr. Caliburn towards Felix. 

“Mr. Caliburn, welcome to Capital Punishment.” The crowd swells with excitement. “Are you ready?”

“Do I have to do this?” Mr. Caliburn asks.

“No, I guess you don’t,” Felix says with a sly smile on his face. “But you know the alternative.” He points to a phone booth on the right side of the stage. “If you refuse to play any of the games, answer any of our questions, or show lack of interest, you will enter the booth of death.”

A bright red spotlight shines down on the booth. Inside, saws start to spin and daggers start to penetrate from the floor and the walls. 

“So I must ask again, Mr. Caliburn. Are you ready for Capital Punishment?” The camera zooms in on Mr. Caliburn’s scared face. He nods, having no other choice.

Music swells as the show's intro comes to life. You can see footage of past winners and losers as the narrator's voice chimes in. “Overcrowding of America’s jails required a need for reform.” An ax slams on a person’s head. “Each week, we select one prisoner lucky enough to compete. If they win, they are pardoned and can re-enter society.” A clip plays of past winners returning to their families. “If they lose, Capital Punishment has been served.” We see a few former contestants meeting their bloody death. The Capital Punishment logo flashes across the screen and wipes into Felix Baldwin.

“Thank you Sandra,” Felix says. As Sandra walks to the side of the stage, Felix walks and stands next to Mr. Caliburn. “This week our contestant is Chad Caliburn. Four years ago on May 1st, 2068, Mr. Caliburn decided to have a few drinks and drive his car, ultimately killing poor seven year old Vinny Williams.” A picture of a young red headed boy shows up behind Felix. The Audience’s boos echo across the stage. Chad winces from the sound. 

“Mr. Caliburn, round one is quite simple.” Felix puts his arm on Chad’s shoulder. “Four years ago, you were out having a good time getting drunk. So today, you can get drunk all over again.” Chad looks on nervously. “We will ask you a series of questions. If you get it right you get to take a shot of liquor.” The Audience boos.

Felix continues, “But for each wrong answer, you have to spend one second in the box of death.” Felix points to the phone booth again. It comes to life as the audience cheers wildly. 

“Okay, let’s get started.” Felix escorts Chad to a chair in front of a massive mahogany judge’s desk. Felix goes behind the desk and sits down. He takes a gavel and slams it down. “Court is in session, and it’s time to play Capital…”

...Punishment!” The audience finishes.

   “Question one is an easy one. Who did you brutally murder four years ago?” Felix asks.

Chad looks at him, then out at the hungry audience. “I didn’t murder anyone, I wasn’t drunk.”

Felix slams the gavel. “I’m sorry, that’s incorrect. Let’s add one second to the clock.” The crowd cheers. “Mr. Caliburn, you were already found guilty by a jury of your peers. We aren’t here to argue that.” Chad shakes his head. “Next question. A right angle is how many degrees?”

“Ninety degrees,” Chad responds.

“Correct!” Felix yells out, as the audience claps. “Bailiff, bring that man his shot.” Sandra, now dressed in a scandalous court officer uniform, struts across the stage placating to the audience. She hands Chad a shot that's three times the size of an average shot. He reluctantly takes it, and throws it down his throat. Sandra struts back towards Felix. The audience cat calls her… she feeds into the entertainment. “How many days are in a leap year?”

“366.” Chad responds.

“Bailiff,” Felix calls, as Sandra struts across the stage giving Chad another shot that he quickly takes. She winks at him and walks away. “Okay, Mr. Caliburn, the questions do get harder, and you get drunker.” He laughs, and so does the audience. Chad doesn’t. 

“Who shot Mr. Burns?”

“Maggie.”

“What happened on December 7th, 1941?”

Chad sits there in silence for a few seconds. He's feeling the alcohol sink in from the oversized shots. The audience is holding their breath in anticipation.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:

Chad is sitting on the stage. The studio lights are shining down on him. “I need an answer Mr. Caliburn.” 

Chad looks up at the bright light, then to Felix. “The attack on Pearl Harbor.”

“Bailiff!” Sandra brings a shot.

“So you know your history, Mr. Caliburn,” Felix says with a smile on his face. “Your history tells us you like to drink, so this next question is double or nothing. Two shots, or two seconds.” The audience loves the new challenge and claps obnoxiously. “Are you ready?”

Chad drunkenly gestures to move on.

“What is the name of the boy you murdered?”

Chad slumps in his chair, swaying his head back and forth. “Vinny Williams,” he mumbles.

“Bailiff!” Felix yells out. Sandra, now only wearing a bikini, brings two shots over to Chad. The world is a blur. Chad doesn’t really know where he is but knows he must continue. He takes both shots while almost falling down.

“Okay, Mr. Caliburn, the final question of round one is triple or nothing.” The crowd cheers. Felix looks at him with excitement. “Who was the last contestant to survive Capital Punishment?”

Chad has no idea. “Chad Caliburn?” He confidently guesses. 

“I’m sorry young man, but that’s three more seconds in the booth of death.” Chad hiccups. “The correct answer is our very own Sandra Wilkins.” He points to the cladly dressed Sandra. The audience yells with excitement. “We’ll be right back,” Felix says directly into the camera.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:

“Welcome back!” Felix belts into his golden microphone. He’s standing next to a drunk Chad, and a barely dressed Sandra. The audience is cheering wildly. “Don’t forget to place your bets on fanduel.”

Sandra escorts Chad into the booth. He stands there as a red spotlight shines down from above. “Just sway, four seconds is nothing. I was in here for six seconds.” She is about to close the door.

“What's the shortest anyone was in here?” Chad struggles to ask.

“Under one second, but they tried to dodge the blades. You can’t dodge because another one pops up. You need to sway,” Sandra says.

“Okay, sway,” Chad repeats. Sandra closes the door and looks at him. Chad is now alone in his own head. “Sway, sway.” He says this as his body naturally stumbles in a swaying motion.

“Are you ready?” Felix asks.

The audience lets him know they are.

“Okay, Mr. Caliburn. We start in three, two…”

Chad hears the words as he swaggers back and forth.

“... one.”

The saw blades come to life, slowly moving around Chad. He sways back and forth. A giant saw blade almost clips his nose, but he sways left. A saw blade emerges from his left side, he avoids it swaying right, catching one that clips his ear. 

The audience erupts in cheers as part of Chad’s ear falls to the floor spewing blood. Almost falling over, he grabs for his ear. A saw blade clips into his forearm as he does this. A splash of red blood covers the booth.

Chad, in pain, sways back left before a blade can cut through his chin.

“BUZZ’ A loud sound echoes through the studio, and the blades stop.

The door opens and Sandra pulls Chad from the booth. He’s missing part of his ear, and a stream of blood is pouring down his arm. “Well done champ, you survived round one,” Sandra whispers.

Chad hesitantly looks at Felix.

“When we return, round two!”

COMMERCIAL BREAK:

“Welcome back to Capital Punishment!” Felix gleefully yells. The crowd cheers. Next to him is a battered Chad. Sandra looks on nervously. “So now you are nice and drunk, just like four years ago. That same night you decided to get into a car and drive.”

Chad doesn’t respond, he just sways.

“So as fate would have it, you can drive all over again.” Felix points to a makeshift road suspended fifty feet in the air. “All you need to do is drive that curvy path and not drive off the edge of the road.” The crowd marvels in suspense. “Let’s go, shall we?” Felix escorts Chad into a glass elevator. Sandra joins them as they all ride to the top. They stand on the raised platform. Felix gestures for Chad to enter the car. Chad starts to walk. He loses his balance and smashes hard onto the ground. The audience roars with laughter. Chad tries to collect his thoughts, unsure if he fell because he’s drunk, or because of the amount of blood he’s lost.

Sandra notices Chad’s pain, walks over and picks him up. She escorts him to the car, and puts him in the front seat. “I’m sorry. These games are barbaric.”

Drunk and confused, Chad looks at her. “Why did you play this game?”

“For a crime I didn’t commit.” She looks at him. “But focus and take your time. You can get to the end of the road.” She kisses him on the cheek, then buckles his seat belt. She walks away.

“Ohhh, isn’t that cute,” Felix jests. “A seat belt won’t save you from falling fifty feet.” The audience laughs. “Chad, are you ready?”

Chad looks at him. Everything is blurry, but he manages to give him a half thumbs up.

“Mr. Caliburn, I forgot to mention. You have two minutes to get to the end of the road. The road behind you will slowly fall, and if you aren’t moving fast enough you will fall with it.”

Blood trickles down the side of Chad’s face as he looks back at Felix. The audience is cheering like a pack of wild hyenas. 

“Three… two… one…” Felix belts into his golden microphone, as a horn blares. The crowd jumps with excitement and anticipation. 

Chad looks straight in front of him at the blurred road. “Fuck,” he says to no one, but also to most of America. He shifts the car into drive and starts to inch forward, as the road behind him begins to crumble.

It’s a suspenseful few seconds as he inches along the road. He looks in the rear view mirror and feels confident that he’s ahead of the falling road. Like any drunk focused on one thing, he forgets the task at hand. Instead of turning left with the curve, he drifts right, getting his front tire stuck on the edge of the platform. Chad’s body jolts in the car as it comes to an abrupt stop. He panics and tries to flip it into reverse, but the front tire that’s hanging over the edge just spins. Chad looks back at the road behind him. He notices the falling chunks of pavement are catching up to him.

“It’s been forty seconds, and Mr. Caliburn is stuck between a rock and a high place,” Felix charismatically says, enjoying his own pun. Sandra looks up at Chad in nervous anticipation.

Chad is now standing outside the car at the hood. He looks down at the stuck tire. “Fuck.” He presses his hands on the hood and tries to push the car back onto the road. His blood is staining the pearl white car into a crimson red. The car won’t budge. Frustrated, he leans to the right of the car to look at the crumbling road. It’s maybe two feet away. Chad can see the edge of the road crumbling, and the studio audience below it. He starts to shove the car as hard as he can. He pushes… pushes… The car moves backwards. Chad gets excited.

Within seconds he realizes that he didn’t move the car, but the road is collapsing around the rear tires. Not knowing what to do, Chad jumps on the hood of the car. Holding on for dear life, the road below the car vanishes, and the car falls towards the studio floor. The audience aggressively cheers. The car crashes onto the ground. Chad flies off the hood and skids across the floor until a wall abruptly stops his body.

“We’ll be right back!” Felix yells.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:

Dust fills the air as Felix and Sandra approach Chad. “That was quite a fall you had Mr. Caliburn,” Felix says to Chad, who is being helped up by Sandra. Chad is in bad shape. He broke several bones in the fall, so he’s hunched over, adding to his bloody ear and arm. “But good news, you made it to the final round!” The audience cheers. “It’s been forty-three games since anyone has made it this far.”

“Fuck you,” Chad mumbles.

“Let’s get you cleaned up for round three,” Felix says to Chad, then turns to the camera. “A rare opportunity, round three. Don’t forget to log into fanduel to check out the action.”

COMMERCIAL BREAK:

“Welcome back to the final round!” 

Chad is hunched over next to him. He has a few broken bones, a missing ear, and a bloody arm. 

“Four years ago you got drunk Mr. Caliburn. Then got behind the wheel and drove home.” Chad sways next to Felix. Blood spills down his mouth. “Our last challenge is simple. Vinny Williams was just walking home that fateful night, and a drunk driver ended his life. He was two blocks from home. So all you need to do is walk to the end of these two blocks, and you are free to go.”

The crowd “boos.” Chad looks down the short two blocks, confident he can stumble to his freedom.

“The twist is that the road is filled with drunken drivers.” 

“Doesn’t that seem hypocritical?” Chad slurs.

“No,” Felix responds with a devilish smile. “Sandra, please escort Chad to the starting line.” The crowd swells with excitement.

Sandra brings Chad to the edge of a road. They both look up the block and it’s filled with three cars side by side, with another set of three cars behind them.

“This is impossible, isn’t it?” Chad asks.

“No. The drivers are sober,” Sandra says. “They don’t actually want to hit you. It’s all for the show. They’ll try to swerve at the last second.” Chad gets a little excited.

“So, all I need to do is walk down the road and these cars will part for me as if I’m moses?” 

“Most of them, yes. But the two white cars are driven by Vinny’s parents.” Chad looks at Sandra. “They may not be as forgiving.” Chad groans.

“The final walk. Can Mr. Caliburn stumble to safety? Or will he die right here, right now? Get your bets in, and we’ll be right back!” Felix smiles.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:.

There’s a bright spotlight on Chad. He stands crippled in the center of the road.

“So Mr. Caliburn, are you ready?”

Chad nods.

“Three, two . . . ONE!” Felix yells.

Chad starts to limp down the concrete. His movement is slow, and he leaves a trail of blood. Three cars are billowing towards him. Chad is staring at their headlights. He holds his hands in front of him as they approach. The center car veers right at the last second. The side mirror clips Chad and sends him to the ground. He’s in a lot of pain, and slowly coughing up blood. He stumbles to regain his posture, and limps down the road. Three more cars approach him and one of them is white. Chad slowly tries to limp as far away from that car as he can. He gets closer to the approaching cars. Again, the car in front of him veers off. The white car comes directly at him. Chad looks into the windshield at the driver. At the last second he swerves out of Chad's path. The motion of the car is enough to knock Chad down again. The whole time the audience is cheering with excitement. Chad is barely able to get up, as another row of three cars speed towards him. Chad manages to stand up. He takes a step and stumbles down again. The white car is directly in front of him. Chad tries to stand up and can’t. He holds his hands out, and looks into the driver’s eyes, as she smashes the car directly into Chad.

The audience goes wild. Sandra shakes her head.

“Well, there you have it! Justice is served!” Felix smiles into his gold microphone. “Join us next week, and see if Mrs. Rodman will survive on Capital . . .”

“... Punishment!” The audience finishes with him.

A TV screen in a jail cell plays the end of the show. Stacey Rodman, a convicted heroin dealer, watches the number one rated show in America, awaiting her turn to play next week.