Based Solely on Wants

"Content Warning: Strong language, themes of grief and trauma, supernatural violence."

“But Mother, I am a witch.” 

Mother dropped her large wooden mixing spoon into the cauldron bubbling above the fire. 

“God’s Mercy! Tabitha! Do not say such things. If ever someone from town were to hear ye. I could not bear what might happen.” 

I waved her off as I ground valerian root in my favorite pestle, “You worry too much. There is no need. Have faith. 

“How can ye say that? Ye were fourteen years old when they burned Marta at the stake. Ye watched it with your very own eyes. How can ye expect me not to fear such things?” 

“Because I ask. Is that not enough?”

She moved across our small cottage, easily twisting through the various workstations until she came to our table.

“Not with scoundrels and rotten folk lurking in the alleys, ready to grab at any woman that claims the work of the devil.”

“I claim no such thing. Who says to be a witch is the work of the devil? My witchery is none such. My witchery is growing gardens and healing herbs. My witchery is the moon's light and the deer's prance. My witchery is love unconditioned.” 

“Convince them of it, my dear, and then I will believe ye.” 

I shook my head. “That’s not how faith works, Mother.” 

She wiped her hands on her apron and took to chopping onions. 

She lowered her voice, “It’s time ye find a man to wed. Eighteen years now and still no suitor, this is what holds ye back.” 

I rolled my eyes, not willing to have this conversation yet again. “I beg to differ.” 

“That is all ye do, my Tabby.” A small smile fought to curl her lips. 

Our heads swiveled at the knock on our door. She lifted a finger to her lips and pressed onto her tippy toes to look out the tiny window above the table. Her shoulders sagged in relief. 

The door creaked as it opened. “Jonathon. My boy. What a delight it is to see ye. Tabitha and I were just speaking of handsome gentlemen in need of her hand.” 

“Widow Proctor, ye laud me so. As much as I would love to speak of your daughter’s prospects, other matters are at hand.” 

I rolled my eyes hoping he might catch sight of it over Mother’s shoulder.

“I’ve told ye to call me, Matilda. Come in.” 

She made room for him and he stepped inside.

Although we’d become close with Jonathon and his father over the few months since they’d arrived, I could not deny the pressure between us. They were good people, no doubt. Governor Phips listened when Mother came with concerns for our lives. Something like that, from a man in power, was unheard of. Mother felt indebted to them, I imagine. The sad truth was that I would be the payback. Even as the thought crossed my mind I did my best to let it go. I focused on the fire, the warmth filling me, and how many people I would help with the valerian I had found.

“Tabitha, how are ye?”

His discomfort was palpable. 

I dropped my head a bit before smiling at him. “Well enough, thanks to you and your father.” 

He bowed, blushing. “Ye are too kind,” he said. 

Everyone talked of our betrothal as if it were written in the stars. Can you imagine? Your whole existence at ends with the feeling in your gut that tells you he’s not the one? Fuck. 

“Speak plainly. How is your father?” asked Mother.

“He is well and continues to develop a secure future for the women of Salem. As ye know, some folk still cling to claims of devil worship and witchcraft. He intends to curb such sentiments over the coming months. In his efforts, we ask that ye both attend the meetings, to prevent any rumors that may lead us astray.”

“We’ll do whatever it takes, Jonathan. Please tell the Governor we’ve never been so thankful for his actions. A woman of my age could only have dreamt of such progress.” 

“Your words are generous. We shall gather come evening Thursday.” 

“We won’t miss it.” 

He nodded, “God keep ye.” 

My mother bowed and closed the door, returning to her onions. 

“I’ve been working on a new dress for ye. Ye shall wear it to the meeting.” 

I rolled my eyes again. “Must I go?” 

She slammed the cutting knife on the table. “Girl, ye will go, Enough.” 

I stared at her wide-eyed before slipping out the door. 

“Tabitha!” 

I did not stop, heading to the distant fields of flowers to rid my mind of clouds and lightning. Rain fell at my heels. 

***

“Can we be so sure that the threat of witches no longer exists?”

The congregation turned toward Reverend Samual Parris. He stood at the back of the church, only a few feet from Mother and me. His hands met at his back.

“Reverend, your concerns do not fall on deaf ears. That being said, all we ask is that accusations of witchcraft come with evidence,” said Governor Phips. He stood at the pulpit mirroring the Reverend. Their posturing reminded me of flamboyant birds. 

“It would seem ye have forgotten of God’s wrath.” The Reverend’s voice crept from his lips like the Devil Himself. 

Phips ignored him, which is something I liked about the man. How complicated. The governor was honorable and had taken steps toward progress in this town. His son, on the other hand, was just… not it. As much as Mother insisted, something was missing. 

“As I’ve mentioned, we mean to work closer as a community to avoid the atrocities of our past. Too many women were denied autonomy and this must be rectified.” 

“God knows…” Reverend Parris tapped his temple and left in a flutter of robes. 

The drama.

A few people crept out after him. I expected to see his son, Silas, amongst them but when I found his flutter of blonde hair still seated, my insides heated. 

The meeting ended and the townspeople spilled from the church like sheep from a broken gate. Mother discussed the Revenend’s sentiment with the governor and his wife in hushed tones. Mary Phips had also been accused of witchcraft, one of her husband’s motives for stepping in. I kept my eyes on the door until Silas emerged but he slipped behind the church instead of coming down the stairs. Mother didn’t notice as I crept after him. 

Once I came to the back of the church, Silas mounted the hill in the distance and disappeared beyond it. I started upward. 

***

“What are you doing?” 

Silas didn’t even jump when my voice slipped toward him from the bushes. 

“Trying to lose the predator at my back” He smiled into the forest, looking for me. 

“Was I that obvious?” I came into the clearing, brushing leaves from Mother's dress. It was brown and had no shape. I let that thought go and focused on the dimple on Silas’ cheek. 

“Certainly not very witch-like in my opinion.” 

I rolled my eyes and Silas grinned as he pulled a small sack from his back. 

“So?” I prompted him. 

“I’ve been calling him Crack.” 

“What?” 

Silas pulled a fish from the sack and set it against a large rock. A swath of black flashed as Crack descended from a tree nearby. His teeth sank into the cod. Silas stoked the cat as he ate. 

“Handsome, isn’t he?” 

“A cat?” 

“I actually think he may be a forest spirit. A protector of sorts.” 

“So you named him Crack?” 

Silas laughed and it sounded like sunshine. 

I eyed him. “I never know when you’re being serious.” 

He flashed that smile again. Jonathan’s smile never flashed like that. 

“Why did ye follow me?”

“You didn’t follow your father. I had to know why.” 

Silas’ smile fell leaving cavernous sadness behind. “I followed him for a long time because I didn’t know I had a choice. Then Phips came along. It turns out that I am a lot happier when not being forced to spew hatred.” 

“I am sorry you went through that.” 

“Don’t be sorry. I do not regret who I’ve become.” 

I pondered the peculiar young man like a rare stone. 

“You come here to feed cats?” 

Silas nodded, “Every day.” 

“Mind if I join ye?” 

***

Mother dressed me in our finest that day, although I couldn’t understand why. It wasn’t until I stood at the table making herb bouquets that I looked out the window. The governor and his son opened the wooden gate to our home, and my heart sank. 

“Mother!” 

She had the door open before I could say much else. My blood simmered like the soup in the corner as Jonathon kissed my hand. 

“Dear Tabby.” 

He had never called me that before. My eyes shot to Mother but she ignored me. I stood at the mantle devoured by horror as they discussed mundane topics over soup. It was only a matter of time. 

“Matilda, the soup was appreciated. We cherish your hospitality,” said William Phips. 

“It’s my pleasure, Governor. Tabitha helped make it.” 

“Did she? Well, isn’t that delightful, son?” 

Jonathan nodded, still as silent as me. 

“I was sorry to hear Mary’s been ill,” said Mother. 

“I must admit, she’s mostly lying low. Ever since the accusations, she’s quite fearful of the townsfolk.” 

“That saddens me, sir. If she ever needs an ear to listen,” I said without even thinking. 

They all turned to me. 

“I will tell her that, Tabitha, thank you. If ye don’t mind, a visit in the coming days might be useful,” Phips admitted. 

“I am sure I can manage that, Governor.”

Jonathon blurted, “Haven’t ye been visiting with Silas on the hill every day?” 

The attention shifted to Jonathon and back to me again. I had never wanted to hit someone in my whole life. 

“Tabby?” Mother’s voice rose. “How could you? With his father having those meetings?” 

“He’s not like his father and am I not allowed a friend?” 

The three of them looked at me as if I indeed was not allowed any friends. 

Silence stretched like shadows until Mother opened her mouth. “What do we think of a wedding in spring?” 

My jaw dropped. Jonathon and his father balked. I cleared my throat but realized I had nothing to say. A stillness fell over me. 

“Tabitha, please don’t be rude. Tell Jonathon your answer.” 

My head whipped toward her and she shrank back. Energy focused in my gut.

“Mother, stop.” My voice was cold, demanding.

She blinked from across the table as if spellbound.

 William Phips cleared his throat. “Matilda, it may be best we come another time.” 

Jonathon stood before his father was even finished and they were out the door in seconds. I tried so hard to manifest relief in my chest but there was only rage. 

“How dare you? I hissed at her. 

“Tabby, I–” 

“It is not your life to live.” 

“Ye won’t have a life to live if Reverend takes ye from me, Tabby.” 

There were tears in her eyes as I crossed the room. 

“Mother, please. I know that you’re scared. But for both our sakes, I need you to be brave.” 

“Tabby, would it be so bad? He’s a lovely, handsome man.” 

I cried out in frustration. “Didn’t you love father?” 

She blushed. “I learned to love him, yes.” 

I stared at her.

"I won't do it." 

I slammed the door and took off running toward Silas’ hill as fast as possible. Lightning slashed through the sky. 

***

“It’s downright shite if ye ask me.” Silas crouched at the edge of a creek in the North Wood. 

“Right?” I asked. 

“Submission to others defeats progress.” 

I sat on a moss-covered log. “That’s quite a statement.” 

He shrugged as he finished building a tower of flat rocks. “My father has forced beliefs upon me for so long.” 

He pushed a hand through his hair as he stood. “I didn’t even know what to believe in. Now, there’s a clarity that wasn’t there before. A meaning to it all.”  

“Have you spoken with him?” 

“Been staying with Phips. Father has barely noticed with all the meetings anyway. He plans to accuse Mary again.” 

I covered my mouth. “When?” 

“Tomorrow.” 

“What can we do?” 

“I’ve already spoken to the governor about it. He plans to address the issue before it escalates.” 

“God’s body,” I said.

Silas nodded.  

“Thank you... For helping her, I mean.” 

He came to the tree beside me and started carving the bark. 

“What will ye do?” he asked. 

I sighed and stared up at the sky. “I don’t know, run away?” 

The carving stopped. Silas leaned against the tree. His gaze made me fidget. 

“Might have to run away with ye.” 

Our eyes connected and my insides heated. “I couldn’t leave Mother.” 

“Well, if you ever change your mind, I don’t have that issue with Father.” He chuckled despite himself. His gaze shifted as he noticed something in the distance and stalked off to a nearby bush. He returned with a golden flower at his fingertips and leaned in. 

“Here.” 

Silas pushed the flower behind my ear and everything stopped. My heart was in my throat. He smelled of spiced ale and sourdough. I couldn’t remember what Jonathon smelled like. 

I pulled back. “I’m sorry, I just –” 

He retreated. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t -”

We both smiled. 

“It’s not… I…” 

“Ye don’t have to explain yourself, Tabitha.” 

My smile softened. His face was still inches from mine. “I want to though. Explain myself, I mean.”

“The floor is yours.” He gestured at the ground.

I cleared my throat. “The truth is, I’ve spent a few years convincing myself I did not need a man. I don’t want to need a man.” 

Silas cocked his head. “Well, it doesn’t have to be about need.”

“It doesn’t?” I asked.

 “It should be based solely on wants.” 

“Wants?” 

“Yes, Tabitha. What do ye want? I can tell ye what I want. Do ye want to hear it?” 

I swallowed. “I do.” 

He smiled, no doubt anywhere on his beautiful face. “I’m dying to know what ye taste like.” 

Jesus Christ, son of a Reverend, my ass. My resolve melted like butter and I leaned into him. The sun radiated heat from the sky in bursting passionate rays. 

***

“She bears the mark of the Devil.” 

Reverend Parris ripped at Mary Phips’ sleeve, tearing her dress at her forearm. The crowd that had gathered at the church doorway gasped as she did. A mottled birthmark ran up and down her arm, purple and brown. Mary started to cry. 

“Where is Phips?” Somebody yelled. “Constable!” 

The constable took off running. 

“The people here understand their duties to the Lord!” said Parris. 

I don’t remember when I started walking from the back of the crowd, leaving Silas staring after me but then I was standing next to Mary, placing my cloak over her arm. She thanked me with her eyes. 

“It’s too late to hide, Mary. Admit your meddling in witchcraft,” said Parris. 

“Enough.” My voice echoed against the town buildings. I stood in front of Mary Phips, shielding her. The people of the town encircled us. 

“You disgrace yourself, Reverend. When you claim the work of God and pit yourself so readily against his beliefs.” 

The Reverend scoffed, “Someone arrest this girl. She should be handled just like Mary.” 

His hand shot out, grasping my wrist. Mary screamed. 

“Let’s get you to the stake. I’m sure we can get a fire burning before the Constable's return.” His eyes were bloodshot.

Mother's voice boomed, “You let go of her, Samuel." She came to stand behind me. Her bravery consumed me.

A sense of ease settled over me like a blanket set out in the sun. I sighed. I stood taller, breathed deeper, had the power of the planet coursing through me with every heartbeat. I was filled with something more. There was no doubt inside me. I couldn’t even question where it came from. It vibrated through me until Parris let my wrist go. 

He backed up, looked at his hand, and back at the three of us, shuddering. That’s when the rain came. On the back of Governor Phips’ heels, falling horizontally as his horse reared up in front of Parris. It hit us with a force that made me smile. Mary took my hand. No fires would burn today. 

 Silas joined Jonathon and William Phips as they wrestled his father into the mud. My soul lifted and I squeezed Mary’s hand, reached for Mother. She sobbed into my shoulder. They bound the Reverend’s hands and started leading him away from the church. Silas remained, standing at the edge of the courtyard. He turned to find me in the crowd and when our eyes connected, I was sure my heart would burst at the site of him. He smiled sadly and waved. 

I’d never felt more hopeful in my life.