Holiday To-Do List

(Sensitive content: heavy drinking, unhinged behavior. A few swear words peppered here and there. It's the holidays, after all.)

Holiday To-Do List

Day 1

• Go to bank, close mutual fund, transfer to checking account
• Go to East Valley mall for siblings (Reference links they provided)

-Lindsay - diamond tennis bracelet from Rothschilds, $750

-Tasha - Dutch oven set from Posh Pantry, $728

-Dean - Box of Cuban cigars, $763 

-Donny - Bottle of Darach scotch, $730

• At the Smoke and Spirits shop, pick up Xmas dinner wine:

-1 case of New Zealand Sauvigon Blanc, $400

-1 case of Sonoma Red Blend, $600

-Total: $3,971 [plus tax, $4,268] 

• Gift Card Kiosk 

-$250 each for 10 nieces and nephews. 

-$100 each for 15 additional dinner guests

-Total: $4,000 

• Call the caterer, submit mom's menu request for availability and final price.

-Total for 30 people: +/- $5,000

• Take a minute. Have a glass of wine. Decompress.

Day 2

• Pick up Xmas cards from Summit Press.

-Hand write personal messages for each of the 47 recipients. 

-Print address labels from contacts list.

*(Allow 3 glasses of wine during this process.)*

*Note to self: Don't forget to eat. Order food delivery. Pizza will go a long way.*

• Set phone timer for one hour. Call mom. 

-Remember to take deep breaths.

-Do not respond negatively to anything, no matter how upsetting. 

-When phone timer goes off, tell mom that it's a call you've been expecting, and you have to go.

*(Have 1 glass of wine. You may need to open another bottle. Have a red.)*

• When pizza arrives, tip $50. Delivery driver surely deserves it more than the assholes you're related to.
• No more Christmas today. Go to sleep.

Day 3

• Take Ibuprofen. Acknowledge day 3 of winter vacation. Laugh at word "vacation."
• Prepare kitchen for baking.

*(Have coffee. You may add Baileys. Don't forget to eat some leftover pizza.)*

• Bake 150 of each:

-Tea cookies

-Chocolate biscotti

-Shortbread

-Pecan sandies

-Sugar cookies (each tree and star shaped)

• Pack into 50 tins and prepare to ship.
• Print labels, and put aside. It's probably too late to go to the post office.
• Order take-out.

*(You may open another bottle of white. Replace later.)*

• Put out a glass of water and a bottle of ibuprofen for the morning.
• Watch Hallmark movies, observe other people enjoy the holidays.
• Drink wine until you pass out on the couch.

Day 4

• Take pain relief and hydrate.
• Pack up car for post office trip.
• Put Kindle in purse.

*(Changing is optional. Your red velour robe seems holiday themed. Why not be cozy?)*

• Stop at coffee shop for a pumpkin spice latte, because you deserve a treat.

-Remember why you hate pumpkin spice lattes, stop at liquor store for mini bottle of brandy, add to coffee to make it more palatable.

• Stand in massive line at post office with your wagon full of Xmas tins. 

-Read Kindle, ignore dirty looks from others in line.

-Ignore dirty looks from postal workers.

-When last tin is prepped, run out of post office.

• That's enough Christmasing today.
• Have wine. Order take-out.
• Tip delivery driver with one of the gift cards that you bought for random xmas guests at the dinner party you're paying for. 

Day 5

• Take inventory of wine consumed, consider when to replace it.
• Since you're going to replace it anyway, go ahead and pop open another.
• Pack mini bottles of rum into your robe pockets. You know you're not going to take that robe off.
• Have a rideshare pick you up and take you to that furniture store your dad told you about.
• Find the recliner he requested, arrange to have it delivered on xmas day, be prepared to pay hundreds for the delivery service.

Chair cost: $3,600. Delivery cost: who tf knows. 

• Call siblings, see if any of them are willing to help pay for Xmas dinner.

-When they say they can't because they can't afford it, and when they remind you that you don't have children, so you don't have any real expenses, accept your fate. 

-Hang up and cry a little bit.

• Go to the bar around the corner. Make some friends.

Day 6

• Wake up on the couch and wonder how you got home. 

-Drink a glass of wine and don't worry about it.

• Set timer for half an hour. Call mom.

-Listen to her gush about your siblings and their latest accomplishments, which include 2 promotions, a new car, and a new vacation home. 

-Seethe quietly.

-Have more wine.

-When timer goes off, tell mom it's your childhood calling, wondering when you became such a doormat.

-Hang up before she can tell you about how you've always been so dramatic, and ask why you can't be more like your sisters, if you were, you could marry a successful man, and not have to worry about dying alone.

• Scream into a pillow for a few minutes
• Have more wine.
• Black out.

Day 7

• Wake up.
• Throw up.
• Notice 50+ missed calls and texts on phone.
• Realize you drunk texted your siblings to tell them how much you hate them, and that you wish you were adopted.
• Throw up again.
• Turn off your phone. 
• Avoid the dish disaster in the kitchen from your baking day.

-Don't dirty more dishes, drink wine right from the bottle.

• Shop online and buy yourself whatever dumb shit you want.
• Order take-out. 
• Invite delivery driver to eat with you. When he reluctantly agrees:

-Vent your woes.

-Cry.

-Feel guilty. Give the poor driver one of the gift cards that were intended for your bratty nieces and nephews. Those little assholes already have everything they want. And they hate you anyway. You're their weird, quiet aunt who everyone picks on, so they do it too, because they see it as family tradition. 

-Apologize profusely as the driver runs out of your house.

• Binge watch the Office until you pass out.

Day 8

• Upon waking, acknowledge that the couch is now your home, so the state of the rest of your house doesn't matter.
• Put on red velour robe and go grocery shopping, so you don't have to order take-out.

*Shopping list:

-Frozen burritos

-Frozen lasagna

-Ice cream

-Prepacked vegetable platter

• Realize that you forgot your purse, but you have a fistfull of gift cards in your robe pocket. Use one to pay. Who cares who it was for.
• Reluctantly power on your phone. Delete all voice messages. Mark texts as read.
• Call the catering company. Tell them you'd like to change the menu. 
• Make personalized ringtones and pictures for all of your family members.
• When a picture of Mother Gothel pops up, and the song Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham plays, go ahead and answer.

• When mom immediately starts scolding you for the "hurtful things" you said to your siblings, loudly say "BLAH BLAH BLAH" until she stops talking.
• Suggest that maybe you shouldn't go to xmas dinner this year, and that you'll go ahead and cancel the caterer.

-Enjoy your mother's back pedaling. 

-Agree to continue with xmas plans.

-Hang up before she can say anything to piss you off. 

• Drag cases of wine into the living room, and set them up next to your new home, the couch.
• Bring in the mail

*Wear the tennis bracelet you bought for Lindsay.

*Take a few swigs of the scotch you bought for Donny

*Put the largest dutch oven you bought for Tasha on the coffee table.

*Light up one of the Cubans you bought for Dean and take a few puffs until you feel nauseous.

• Open xmas cards you received, read out loud in an over-dramatic voice before lighting each one on fire with the cigar and letting it burn in the dutch oven.
• Ignore the fire alarm going off.

• When fire department shows up, act like nothing's wrong.

-When they scold you for setting fires in your living room, offer them the dutch oven as a xmas gift.

-When they refuse, shove cigars and gift cards into their pockets.

-When one of them gives you a phone number to a crisis center, assure them you're fine.

• See them out.
• Cry.

• Watch all holiday episodes of the Office. Take a drink every time Meredith does.
• Pass out.

Day 9

• Spend about two hours just waking up.
• Stagger to the kitchen, heat up a frozen burrito. 

-Burn your mouth on it.

• Decide to go get coffee instead of trying to find coffee maker, which is buried somewhere under disaster in kitchen

• Ignore everyone staring in the coffee shop.

-When the person taking your order asks how your holidays are going, hiss at them like an angry cat.

-When the barista wishes you happy holidays, flip them off.

-Shove a gift card into the tip jar.

-Storm out, with your dirty, smelly, red velour robe flapping behind you.

• Keep the windows rolled down in the car. Scream loudly at people who drive like shit.

• Pull into a church parking lot and drink your coffee while you plan your day.

-Toss coffee cup out the window.

-Seize the day.

• Go straight to the gym. 

-Do a spinning class. Don't quit until you almost throw up.

-Take a shower in your clothes.

-Walk out of the gym wearing nothing but the crusty robe.

• Go to the xmas tree lot, buy a shitty little tree.

-Set it up on the coffee table. 

-When you realize you don't have ornaments, decorate it with all of your dangly earrings.

-Stare at it while you listen to xmas songs.

• Call it a day

Day 10

• Wake up pleasantly surprised that you don't have a hangover.
• Get down to business.

*Start a load of laundry. Don't forget to include crusty robe.

*Wash dishes and clean kitchen.

*Take out garbage and put empty wine bottles in the recycling.

*Vacuum. 

*Take a long bath.

• When you wake up in a cold bathtub, you realize your mind is as numb as your icy extremities.

-Roll with it.

• Head to the thrift store for new xmas gifts for the family.
• Spend the rest of the day wrapping dozens and dozens of presents.

• Lie down in your bed for the first time in over a week.

-Stare at the ceiling until you fall asleep.

Day 11

• Wake up, take self inventory.

*Body: Numb

*Mind: Numb

*Heart: Black

*Soul: Dead

• Shower, get dressed.
• Put on your nice and clean red velour robe.

• Go to upscale brunch restaurant.

-Order ridiculous amount of food.

-Bottomless mimosas.

• Hire rideshare to bring you home. Give her a gift card before staggering out of the car.
• Bring a bottle of wine to the couch.
• Watch true crime documentaries all day, well into the night.
• Pass out eventually.
• Dream of sugar plum serial killers

Day 12

• Chug coffee immediately upon waking.

• Check in with caterers, to make sure everything is a go.

-Ask them if they could pick you up before they go to your parents'.

-Ignore the pregnant pause before they answer in the affirmative.

• Call furniture store, confirm that they will deliver chair by noon.

• Open Amazon boxes of all the stuff you bought for yourself.

-Try on the outfit you had ordered to wear today.

• Make a group text with all family members, announcing you will be arriving with the caterers at 5.

-Field panicked questions regarding food/drinks/gifts. The vultures want confirmation that everything is going to happen as requested.

*Lie.

• Pack up gifts, don outfit, wait outside for caterers.
• When they arrive, confirm the menu change. Hop in van.

-Ignore conversation attempts.

-Ignore leery glances.

-Stay silent, mentally preparing for the best xmas party ever.

• Upon arrival at your parent's house, lead the caterers to the front door and kick it open.

-Shout "The party's here!"

-Point and laugh at the children that scream and run away.

-When someone asks why you're dressed as the Grinch, shout "because I HATE CHRISTMAS!"

• Direct caterers to put trays of food on serving table.

-Watch in glee as your family takes a look at their xmas dinner.

• When your mother asks what happened to her menu, walk her through your revised menu.

-Fried Spam

-Okra pickles

-Boiled cabbage

-Hard boiled eggs

-Steamed kale and spinach

-Fried liver and onions

• When your mother expresses her outrage, remind her that you paid for it, so you can do what you want.

• When your siblings begin attacking you because you're ruining xmas, it's time to start handing out gifts!

-Plop yourself down in the new chair you just bought, and dig through your santa bag of presents and watch them open:

*Sweat wristbands for Lindsay. Because it's weird to ask your sister to buy you a diamond tennis bracelet.

*Some camping enamelware pots for Tasha. If she wants to do some fancy cooking in a fancy dutch oven, she could have helped with the dinner.

*A carton of Marlboros and an amber glass diner ashtray for Dean. He wants to smoke? Smoke up, Dean!

*A bottle of Johnnie Walker and shot glasses shaped like toilets for Donny. Asking for $700 whiskey from your sister who is not rich is about as classy as drinking from toilet glasses. 

• While they yell, demanding answers:

-Dump contents of the santa bag onto new chair.

*Watch as mysterious oily gifts leak through the paper, onto the suede of the new chair.

-Call for the children to come get their gifts.

• Watch in glee as they rip open packages of

*half empty perfume bottles, 

*old Nintendo game cartridges, 

*various electronics motherboards, 

*old, beige keyboards, 

*mismatched shoes,

*And other miscellaneous garbage.

• Announce that your work there is done.

• Hitch a ride out with the caterers. 

-When they drop you off at your home, and they check if you're alright, let them know that you've never been better.

-Hand them the stack of gift cards you have left over, and tell them Merry Christmas.

• Right when you get in the house, grab that little tree and chuck it out the front door.

• Put your Halloween decorations back up. 

• Breathe.