We're all family here

Ok, one more time. Shoulders straight, chin up.

I smirk and lean over the sink.

“You know what? I quit!”

Love it. Now do a middle finger.

I show the middle finger and I depart. Oh no, too much of a twirl. Again.

The door opens, and Jack walks in, heading straight to the urinal, not acknowledging me.

“Alright, Jack, mate! How’s it going?”

He turns over, his eyebrow raised and scuffs.

“Close your zip, big man.”

I look back at the mirror, and my zip is all the way down, with my shirt pushing through it like a tissue.

“Heh, thanks mate. How embarrassing!”

He grunts. I’m starting to feel uneasy, so I make my way out. Everyone is in today, ready for the big presentation. Tap-tap-tap. Everyone taps those keyboards as if their lives depend on it. Grace glances at me mid-tap, and I can’t help but smile at her.

Please smile back. Oh no, I’m staring. I’m not moving.

She quickly returns to her laptop, and I’m still staring at her, not moving. There’s a poster above Grace’s desk: One Team. One Dream. One Lunchroom. Gross.

“Graham!” I hear Angela shouting from her office.

The boss! Thankfully.

Grace looks again at me, her lips not moving.

“Boss calling.” I chuckle. Why did I chuckle? This is so awkward.

I make my way to Angela, and once in, she asks me to close the door behind me.

“Graham, listen, mate. Your work has been solid, so I want you to lead this presentation.”

I pause for a second, and I can feel my eyebrows raising with surprise.

“To the CEO? Are you sure?”

She smiles and hands me a USB stick.

“You’ve done so much for this team, Graham. Around here, we lift each other up. That’s what family does.”

Wow. Maybe today is not the day. Maybe today is the day things change around here.

“You know what, Angela? I feel prepared for this.”

She waves with her hand, asking me to leave. So I do, and return to my desk.

I run through each slide deck. I know this by heart. This is going to be my moment. I can close my eyes and see myself waving to Angela as she grabs her box of belongings and steps out of my office while I hold the door. She shuffles past me.

“Graham, I –“

I don’t let her finish. I place my fingers on her lips.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything, I already know.” I lift her chin gently. “May the spreadsheets favour you in your wanderings.”

As she leaves, I watch her move slowly. Trying to say goodbye to each of my underlings.

“No, no, no,” I interject. “That can be an email.”

She bows her head and, before departing, picks up the plant from reception, which she had gifted to the office in Q1 but was dead by Q2.

As she walks out, I hear whispers: "He’s always been the heart of this place."

I stop them.

“No, I’m not the heart. We all are. Because here… we’re family.”

The door slams, and the office erupts in applause. Grace stands up with her fist in the air, making onomatopoeic cheering noises.

I extend my arms, and Gary is trying to kiss one of them. I slap him across the cheek. I move my arms in a downward motion, inviting them all to tone it down.

“Let’s get to work. We’ve got some shareholders to make happy!”

“Yes, boss.” Shouts Grace. Then Mary. Then Karim. Even Gary, holding his cheek, joins the energised crowd.

“Graham!”

No, not Graham. Boss.

“Graham!”

“You may take the plant,” I whisper.

A hand slaps the desk. I jolt. It’s Angela.

“Do you want to lose your job?” Her eyes are daggers. “Conference room, now. Everyone is waiting.”

I look across the floor and I can see the CEO checking his watch. I quickly arrange my tie and grab the USB, following Angela.

This is it, champ. This is your moment. The overtimes. The humiliations. It all boils down to this. Time to show them what you’re made of.

I yank the handle three more times before realising. Push.

I stumble into the room like a substitute teacher five minutes late to class. The CEO sighs audibly. Grace avoids eye contact.

“This is Graham,” Angela breaks the silence. “He’s been with us five years. Part of the furniture. Like one of the family.”

“Alright, Graham.” Says the CEO, placing his glass of water on the table, “Let’s hear it, time is precious.”

“Certainly,” I respond, inserting the USB in the laptop and connecting the wider screen in the room.

“Ahem.” I begin. Don’t fuck it up. Don’t waffle. “Our company has a great reputation with our customers, our brand values align with theirs.”

The CEO keeps checking his phone. Is he even listening? Grace is taking notes, and I see Angela raising her eyebrows at me, urging me to carry on.

“There has been, however, a dip in loyalty recently with the new subscription models.”

The CEO places the phone down. He stares at me intensely. Should I carry on speaking? Or does he want to say something?

“Fear not!” I add in a playful tone, “For I have the solution.”

“Stop!” the CEO interjects. “There is no I in TEAM. Just We.” He raises his finger and points it around the table. “We…have the solution.”

Everyone starts clapping. The fuck is going on.

He extends his arm, telling people to tone it down.

“Graham, what is our solution?”

He lies back in his chair, grabbing a sandwich triangle. Chicken Mayo. The last one. For godsake, I always end up with the tuna.

“We…” I start but get distracted by the grotesque spectacle of this man biting into his sandwich. Mayo squeezes out the bread and spreads on his lips. “We offer a loyalty discount.”

The CEO stops mid-chew. He looks at his assistant to his right and asks them to write this down.

“That… is exactly the kind of thinking I like to see.”

I beam. Grace smiles. Angela looks like she’s calculating my new salary.

“Remind me of your name again?” the CEO asks.

“Graham.”

“Right, right. Well done, Gareth.” The CEO turns to Angela. “That’s why you’re running this department so well. Excellent leadership.”

Angela? You ignorant…

“Son of a bitch.” I say, banging the table.

The room hushes.

Fuck. I let it slip out.

The CEO stands and stares at me. He starts walking around the table and towards me, hands on his hips.

“Gareth.” He says, placing one hand on my shoulder. He raises the other, points his finger up and circles the room yet again. “Sons of bitches.”

The tip of his finger has a bit of mayo on it. I saw crumbs flying in the air as he made that gesture.

Grace stands up and has a tear in her eye. “And daughters.”

The room explodes in cheers. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I bang my fist hard on the table.

“No,” I say, grabbing the CEO's hand. I direct it towards Angela. “Fuck you.” And then towards Grace: “Fuck you too.” And ultimately towards the CEO, “And especially fuck you.”

I let go of his hand and make my way out, but before I slam the door, I turn around once more. “You know what, I quit.”

Twirl, and leave now.

“Gareth –“ He shouts from behind.

I see the CEO approaching me again. His hand is on my shoulder. In the air it goes, points at my nose, and smudges it with mayo. He then turns to the room, wagging his finger in the air.

“Fuck all of us.”