Of Waiting and Changes

Trains always seemed to fascinate me. How they came to the public out of nowhere and kept getting grander and grander until their magnificence became something expected, and it was rare someone stood back to admire them the way I did. 

My toes rested on the yellow edge as I waited for the locomotive to come zooming through it’s tunnel. I didn’t check the time or route, but when the beast crawled through the cavern and blew down the cave until settling to a stop, I stepped on without hesitation. The seats were stained with the day and years before, but regardless I sat down and waited until the monster growled his warning and began carrying us away. Light strobed through the windows with each tunnel and exit, while children scurried to the glass to point out whatever wonders they could spot in the few seconds they were there. I started down at my hands and watched the flashing light paint them with stripes of gold and black that danced across the skin in random, uncoordinated steps. I could have looked out and admired the city for myself, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from my fists, and the metrocard clenched tightly in them. 

It was as though I believed if I stayed focused on getting there, the waiting wouldn’t be as long. All I had to do was make it through the train ride and then a three minute walk, and then it would all be worth it. I just had to hold out a bit longer. 

I was pulled out of my thoughts, however, when a young child dropped their plastic toy on my head whilst trying to stand up on their chair. The mom was quick to pull them away and apologize, so I waved it off with a smile. 

“Don’t worry about it, kids will be kids.” My voice came out coarse, not used to being used, but considering the woman smiled back, it didn’t seem as though she took notice. She looked me up and down, then stopped when she found the bouquet pressed against my hip. 

“You off to visit a special someone?” She tried to make conversation. I replied in my head before realizing I didn’t say anything out loud, and laughed a bit as I tried to form a response.

“Yeah.” 

“How lovely!” She wrangled her son into her arms and held him even as he squirmed. “Enjoy these moments while they last,” she put a hand on the little boy’s head, “Before you know it you’ll have no time left at all.” 

I didn’t quite know what I was supposed to say, but luckily all I had to give was another nod because the train stopped and I stood up. In the moment it took for the doors to open she called after me.

“Good luck!” 

I looked back. 

“Thank you, I can’t wait.” Then I left.

The streets around me never looked the same each time I walked them. I knew that one day the buggies and horses made way for cars and taxicabs, but each day blended together so much so that it was hard to piece together when. The city was odd like that. I had seen it built up and torn down a thousand times, and everyone boasted about ‘back in my day’ when it seemed to me like it could become something entirely new in just one day. I had been around long enough to know. But, it had been a long time since I had been back here. Maybe the city had changed drastically, or maybe my mind was just trying to fill in the gaps with what I couldn’t remember and claim it to be something I’d never seen before. I didn’t know, and didn’t have the patience to contemplate it. 

A thousand years was easier to mull over later when three minutes seemed so grueling. 

When I finally got to see him, he sat in a crowded place, with hundreds of faceless beings almost engulfing him completely. It was hard to pick him out of the mosh, but when I did I took a deep breath and stepped forward so I could face him. I knew I should have been back sooner. I could have come at any time, but it never seemed like the right moment. But putting off moments turned into looking back over years wondering what was keeping me. I could tell myself relentlessly that even in eternity I didn’t have forever, yet I remained. It was as though I was expecting the knot in my chest to untie without putting in any effort to take it apart. I wanted to be unraveled and displayed for him to see, but whenever the universe reached out its hands I recoiled and curled in on myself even tighter than before. Maybe it was a sort of stubbornness, or maybe it was fear, but whatever chains blinded my ankles held me down nonetheless, and I couldn’t take back the lost time. 

I sat on the gravel with sparse grass growing between the cracks, and looked down in shame. 

“I’ve been waiting a long time for this… I’ve missed you so much, and I know it’s my fault, and I know that I should have come back sooner, but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” I waited as though he was going to say something, but there was no response. I sighed and let out a breathy laugh, that came out in broken shards that shattered my face with them as they spilled out. I had to stop before speaking again to make sure they didn’t rip apart my throat and paint the ground with my blood. Despite the burning sensation that told me my body had been sliced up and left for dead, I was intact. “I know nothing I say can make up for how long I made you wait, but I wanted to make sure you know…” I paused and looked down again, still no blood, but the shards kept coming. “I love you.” 

I wanted my love to embrace me like he once did, and shower his angel with everything he once gave. But he couldn’t. And he didn’t. I had waited too long. 

With nothing left to have come for I lifted myself with limbs I was sure had died while I knelt, and left the flowers in front of his cemented feet. Before turning around, though, I wiped the dirt off his engraved name and tried to picture him from the stone that sat in his place. 

I left then, and walked back into the city around us that was once a town, then a city again and dirt before it all. If only I had changed like it, then maybe I wouldn't have waited so long. 

To distract myself from the overwhelming sensations I didn’t quite know how to understand yet, I stretched my wings that wouldn’t fly, and looked up at the rolling blue overhead.

Perhaps if I gain the strength to change too, I’ll find he might just be waiting for me.