Diary of thoughts: After He cheated

Myleene shuffled through the pages of her diary. Her face saying nothing about the thoughts whirling in her mind. Only the tremor of her hand when she reached the faded page inscribed with a somewhat shaky handwriting betrayed what she was feeling. She bit her lip nervously and her eyes darted across the room though she knew she’s utterly alone. Her hand rested on an entry from a year ago and a haunted look came over her face, her bony frame taut almost as if she was about to confront the ghost of her past. Everything about the scene screamed out his name…a diary full of thoughts of him and his numerous opened letters littering the bed. As she read, the past seemed to come to life. Sean.

17 June 2019

Sean,

On the blinding white pages that the story of how we loved should have been written, you splattered blood and sullied imperfect perfection. The love story that should have been beautiful has been marred by the stench of betrayal. How does something so precious become so meaningless that you can give it all up for a moment of blind lust in the arms of another woman? When did the flash of a shooting star become more important than the unwavering loyalty of the sun? How appealing was the blue of the ocean that you waded off from the warmth of the fire of my love for a quick skinny dip in the ice cold water before choosing to run back to me? Did it promise you forever or a life without the struggles that plague humanity?

 My love always rose for you like sun rise and even when obscured by the clouds, I was always shinning in the background. I never asked you for anything, I simply gave from the abundance of my heart. When you needed rain, I burnt the water and provided you with all you needed to thrive. In the night, afraid to leave you alone, I shone my rays on the moon and lighted up the dark night with its soft glow, a reminder that I am always by your side. The storm came with its mighty winds and angry clouds pushing me away from you. With a bleeding heart, I prayed for you from the distance and when the storm was over, the rays of my love bounced on the water drops and became that beautiful rainbow. A symbol of my hope that we will always see each other after very storm. My faith in what we had was infallible and with the stubbornness of a bull heading into the fire in anger, I abandoned myself in you. Apart from you, I no longer knew who I was. Every breath, word and action was for you and because of you. When you’ve given your all to someone and they turn away from it, it means it’s not enough so why do you keep asking me to stay with you?

These are the thoughts whirling in my head as you kneel before me begging for another chance. She meant nothing to me!  I want to believe you but when I look at you, I see her fingerprints on all over you and my body tenses in pain with the knowledge that she has kissed those lips that are now declaring their undying love to me. Her hands have strayed to places only mine should have caressed and sullied the body I worshipped. She encountered parts of you I will never know and evoked emotions in you that I couldn’t, seen wide smiles on your luscious lips and heard your carefree laughter but you’ve ceased to love me with such abandon. You’ve shared with her the heart that should have been mine alone. We can work this out, you say as you put a hand on my arm and hold my chin forcing me to look into your eyes. I love you…I love you…I can’t imagine life without you. Are you listening to me?

Yes, I am listening but I can’t hear you. My brain is simply refusing to process anything you say and the anger starts bubbling in my chest. I want to scream out. No! I am the one who loves you because I have never imagined myself with anyone else in spite of all my options. I am the one who truly loves because for the last ten years, I have woken up each morning and chosen to be with you. You can’t love me and chase after every pretty little thing that passes your way. I shout out all these words in my mind but you do not hear anything. Maybe after years of tiptoeing around you, I’ve forgotten how my own voice sounds. In a desperate attempt to hold it all together, I still can’t say what should be said because I never want to hurt you. Isn’t this what love is, knowing I have the power to hurt you but never intentionally using it?

 There’s no use in tearing your heart apart when I’m going to leave you anyway. I don’t want to hear your justification because it won’t change the ending of this story. I have nothing left to give. There are roads that we should never take and doors in life that should never be opened. Underneath everything that we are is the potential to be selfish, manipulative, insecure and I refuse to allow my love for you to make such a woman out of me. I don’t want to snuggle up to you and watch you as you sleep wondering if you’re dreaming of her…to feel the emotions you evoke in me knowing she probably felt the same, sit in the dark at night waiting for you to come home -worried that you might be with her and being tormented by thoughts her whenever I look at you…loving you but waiting for you to do it again. To betray me again. I refuse to be the cave that you run to when it rains outside, knowing you’ll leave again because you were born with an intense craving to bask in the sun. I love you and I probably always will but I will not be the woman in your back corner yearning for you as Neptune yearns for the sun but wallowing in the cold. So I stand up and walk away…away from you and who we used to be. As I leave you crumbling on the floor, parts of me that I will never recover are left there with you. You have lost the sun in your universe and I have lost the embodiment of my purpose…that’s why your betrayal hurts because we both lost something precious. We lost ourselves.

***

3 December 2019

Sean

Life after love is life after you. It’s not a reality I ever imagined I would survive but here I am. The first three months without you felt like a decade. My body living in the present but the mind foolishly buried in the past. Disappointment is more devastating than regret and whenever I am on a date, it is you I am looking for in them but time flies, wounds heal and painful memories gradually fade. Our anniversary comes but in my newly found joy, I do not remember it. In six months, your name recedes to the blind spot in the back of my mind. I bask in the aftermath of liberation and for first time, I have greater purpose other than being the sun in your confined universe. When we fell apart, the shattered glimmers of light I had lost in the dark clustered to create this beautiful art and I have no regrets. The letters you’ve sent in the past six months are piled the mailbox unopened where they will always remain. I am not the woman that was your sun anymore, I left her with you, whatever words you wrote, they are not mine to read.

***

3 February 2020

Sean.

The heart that was torn apart healed a long time ago but because it is not dishonest as my brain is, it insists on the oath I made on that altar years ago for better for worse…till death do us part. I lie in the dark listening to the crickets and my heart asks me, “What is the use of a love that cannot forgive?”

I always thought the love that I gave you was unconditional but if it were that way, then I would still be by your side. The image of you with pain imprinted on your face, kneeling before me pins itself on my mind and I allow myself to be in your shoes. Random events play in my mind unraveling cracks in the wall of our relationship I never saw before. You laying on the bed staring lifelessly as the ceiling after the death of your mother and I failing to console you because you were in so much grief, I couldn’t bear to tell you I had miscarried our baby whom I had been waiting for a better time to tell you about. The time you called for me crying in the shower but I failed to be there with you as I was working halfway across the globe…running away to lick my wounds in the dark. I was rarely there when it really mattered and because I was a giver, I never gave you a chance to give yourself to me too. The letters you wrote that I vowed to never read are strewn on my bed, opened and stained with tears that wandered down my eyes without permission. With sudden clarity, I see it for what it is. You were looking for me in her, the version of me that was so receptive to your love, so free with her thoughts and in whose presence you were free to be unapologetically yourself. Being with her reminded you of the man you used to be and because you were desperately clinging onto that, you lost sight of what truly mattered. I had become so consumed by the idea of what we used to be that I failed to see what we were. It doesn’t justify what you did, you should have fought harder for us…I should have fought harder for us.

The letters tell the story of the man you’ve become. Your journey towards healing and cleansing from adultery has been lined with untold pain but whatever it is that we broke left the love intact, your sincerity jumps off the pages straight into my heart. I think of the words forgiveness and mercy alongside your name. That’s when I finally email you, agreeing to see you once. Tomorrow. The pieces of a puzzle that were scattered across a desert and remodeled, will they ever fit again?

***

Myleene closed the diary and shut her eyes unsure what reliving the words of the past had accomplished except confirming that the future was unknown. Day was almost breaking and she would have to face Sean. Face the past she had abandoned but then maybe it wasn’t him she was afraid of, today would confirm if her self-esteem had indeed increased. Hours later, her confidence had returned and as she looked at herself in the mirror, she knew she wasn’t her old self. Being real wasn’t about faking perfection or feigning to be strong when faced with doubts. True power lay in being able to acknowledge what exists so that measures can be taken to change it. She was nervous but that was alright, any woman would be. All the thoughts fled from her mind when she spotted him crossing the road. Even amidst the crowd, there was no way that she could miss those broad shoulders, crooked eyebrows and the slight tilt of his head whenever he caught sight of her. He stopped a few steps away from her and put his hands in his pockets the way he always did when he was nervous and unsure of what to do. For what seemed like an eternity, they stood there, brown eyes locked onto each other. Myleene smiled and he smiled too. They started walking towards each other. She wasn’t retracing her steps to an old story but to a new one and all her fears dissipated. Somewhere out there was a woman crying on her husband’s grave praying for a second chance so why shun the one she had been given? Life’s too short, so why spend it away from the people you love when the same fate that can be cruel decides to grace you with goodness? If there was a chance that things could be fixed, she was going to take it and throw away the things that did not mater …she stretched out her hand and looked him straight in the eye.

“Hello, my name is Myleene.”

Sighing with relief, Sean took her hand in his. “I’m Sean. If it’s not too soon, I’d be honored if you agree to go for dinner with me.”

He watched as a thousand emotions flickered on her face and silently prayed she would agree. Living in the aftermath of a broken marriage had made him realize a lot about himself. He was willing to abandon the arrogance that fuels people to deny the truth about who they love, this time he would step into the light flaws and all. Step by step, he would woo her again. With tears misting her eyes, she nodded her head to signify yes. The tears spilled over and he brushed them away from her cheeks with his thumb. God had given him this gift and now, he would treasure it and protect her at all cost. Overcome with emotion, he drew her closer and buried her in his embrace.

“I’ve missed you so much” he whispered. Her arms tightened around him in response and her chest heaved. His throat closed up with emotion as he allowed himself to feel at home inside her arms. There was so much he wanted to tell her…It wasn’t a stranger that was nestled in his arms, it was Myleene. A new version of her but still his Myleene, the one he could never get over. This time he wanted to give more than he had received, waiting patiently until she trusted him again…step by step, working on it, loving each other through everything and arranging the pieces of the new puzzle together…till death do us part, I will be yours and yours alone Myleene.

THE END