“The dead won’t bother you, it’s the living you have to worry about.” – John Wayne Gacy
I have never truly felt ok around the living. I have always felt, distant and different. As a child I would go to graveyards and lay there, under the moon light. Nothing would bring me peace like the silence of a graveyard. I guess that’s why I became a mortician. The peaceful silence of the dead always puts my mind at ease. I live a simple life, I live with my girlfriend in a single bedroom studio apartment. She’s the first living person I have ever actually connected to. But yet, I still dream of more.
June, 3rd, 2019
Today I received a new corpse for preparation. Her name was Diane Lent, 73 died of cancer. Her body looked so feeble and broken from the disease. But her face held a sort of peacefulness. She left behind a husband, son and grandchild. Who are all devastated, I’m sure. But, while working on her I can’t help but think. Have I ever felt any form of sorrow when someone died? Have I ever shed a tear? I relate more to these cold slabs of flesh then the warm touch of the living. I think death is a beautiful thing. The final chapter in life. A chance to finally have true and utter peace. Oh, how I long for that feeing.
June 7th, 2019
My girlfriend doesn’t like talking about my work. She says, death makes her sad. How I have built any form of a relationship with this woman. I’ll never know. So I sit quietly as we eat dinner, let her ramble on about her day and pretend to relate. Bed time well crawl into bed, she falls fast asleep. I’ll lay there for hours, engorged in my thoughts. Does Heaven exist? Surely the idea of an invisible magician in the sky Is ridiculous. But truly, the thought to me is terrifying. A place where your soul goes after you die to live out eternity with love ones. Why, in the moment I have found complete peace in my death. Would I want to be sent somewhere to not enjoy the silence of my eternal sleep. Then there’s the idea of Hell, demons and pitchforks, fire and brimstone. The worst of us end up there, I’m not a band person. So that’s impossible.
June, 8th, 2019
I had sex tonight with my girlfriend, first time in months. It was, a very odd experience. She was complaining were not intimate enough, so I did the social contract thing and engaged in seduction. As I laid on my back and she crawled on top, I entered inside her. The warm wet feeling was over powering, sickening. For Christ sakes, what is wrong with me? Am i so detached that I can’t even enjoy mans simplest of needs? The faster she rocked, the sicker I became. Until it became to much to hold in. I vomited all over her, I would apologize for hours as she showed me care and tended to me. I told her it was the flu.
June, 13th, 2019
Today I have a new corpse, Alice Little. She is a 32 year old single woman, dead from a car crash. Her body is shockingly very well preserved, considering the trauma. As I prepare my things to start work on her, I can’t help but notice her exquisite beauty. Her eyes, a beautiful emerald shade. Her hair, thick, long and black. Her skin so beautiful paled, a perfect corpse. Like normal while setting up. I engage in conversation with her. It helps me to remember, that one day I will be lucky enough to be in their place. I prepare to embalm her body, but something stops me. It’s almost as if, she’s smiling at me. No, she’s a corpse. She can’t smile, focus man. I hear a whisper, calling my name. A soft sweet angelic voice. My god, am I finally losing it? Is this the end? It’s late, I need rest. I cover her up and put her away in the freezer. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
June, 14th, 2019
Last night I dreamed of, Alice. She was wearing a long gothic black dress, with a black veil. She stood in the middle of decaying garden, staring at me. I felt her presence deep inside, like a second heart beat. I walk to her, offer my hand. We dance under the pale moon light. Such a beautiful sight, she lifts her veil. Her lips blue as the ocean, her touch cold as ice. But life lives In her eyes. We kiss, softly and deeply. The two heart beats, become one. I step back, to gaze at her undying beauty. She opens the front of her dress, exposing her chest. She rips open her stitches, handing me her cold dead heart. That somehow, in my hand, beats. I quickly wake up, over come by feelings I have never felt. I have to have her.
June, 16th, 2019
Middle of the night, I snuck into the morgue. I put my sweet Alice on a gurney and wheeled her to my car. Just a little longer my dear, and we’ll be together. I take her home, where I have prepared a candle lit dinner. We sit at the table, indulging in deep conversation. Do you like the salmon, my dear? I bought it fresh just for us. It goes perfect, with the red wine. I gaze into her eyes, getting lost. I have never done anything like this before, I tell her. I want us to be together, forever. In life, as in death. I will keep you as long as I may, once your body sets Into a state of decay. I will dig us a fresh grave, so we may lay together in the unity of death.
June, 17th, 2019
As I lay in bed, with you by my side. I feel complete peace, and true unconditional love. I love the way your cold skin feels against mine. It’s time to take this to the next level, my dear. I remove her clothes, undress myself. I lay next to her, softly running my fingers down her chest. I lean in and kiss her dead lips, I become erect. I slowly enter inside of her, thrusting deeply and passionately. It goes on for mere minutes, before I release. I roll over on my back, eyes locked on the ceiling. God, that was beautiful.
June, 24th, 2019
Your body has begun to rot and decay, the smell is delightful. Our time in this living form is almost over. I dug a whole in a beautiful garden for us, I know it’s what you would want. Tomorrow we take our final resting, together forever. Am I forgetting something? Oh right! I go into the bathroom, the blood covered walls now dry. In the tub, lays my girlfriend. Excuse me, ex girlfriend. Her throat slit, blood everywhere. I would apologize, Olivia. But we were never meant to be, I love Alice. We belong together. You have to see that. Tomorrow Alice and I will be leaving, I wish you well Olivia.
June, 25th, 2019
As I stand at the top of this whole, gazing down. My mind for the first time, is quiet. I have enjoyed our living time, my dear. But now we enter the realm of death, where our love can be forever. I place my darling Alice in the whole, making sure she is comfortable. I now sit up top, finishing my diary. What’s left to say? I finally found true love, true unconditional love. She doesn’t want me to be anyone but me, she accepts and understands who I am inside. I leave you with this.
“There is something at work in my soul, which I do not understand.” Mary Shelley, Frankenstein