1971 Dodge Challenger

Submitted into Contest #60 in response to: Write a funny post-apocalyptic story.... view prompt

0 comments

Funny

“You said you were going to bring the batteries. Remember, Don? You bragged all about how you knew this would happen, and you knew we’d need batteries, and you knew exactly where you kept them. You remember that right, genius?”

“Shut up Connie, they’re here somewhere, can you just stop moving the light around so goddamn much? I can’t see shit in my backpack when you’re swinging the flashlight around so much.”

“JUST-” Connie grabs the bag and dumps the contents onto the floor of the small cabin.

“Can you see now, Don? Can you see what’s in your stupid backpack.”

Don scoffs.

Connie pans the light over the mess of supplies on the floor.

“CONDOMS, DON?! ZOMBIES, ACTUAL ZOMBIES, ARE TAKING OVER AND YOU THOUGHT WE’D NEED CONDOMS?! Christ’s sake, what is wrong with you?!”

“Oh, I’m sorry Connie, I forgot I’m the only one with any libido between us. Keep your fucking voice down, if I die because you’re screaming about condoms, I’m going to haunt the shit out of you… Besides, those were probably in here from before…”

Connie scoffs as she bends down to sort through the supplies. Don crouches beside her and watches as she sets aside the condoms, a pack of matches, a lighter, some playing cards, a phone charger, a pack of gum, a knife, money, and a pencil.

“I’ll have you know,” Connie starts, “my libido is just fine, there’s just no one I care to use it on. Did you expect me to be turned on by your receding hairline, or your work shoes that you leave in the middle of the living room everyday for ME to pick up, or- or maybe by your stupid car in the garage that you’re weirdly obsessed with. Do you want to fuck the car, Don? Be honest, do you wish you could fuck the car?” 

“NO CONNIE, I don’t want to fuck my car. And it’s not just a car, it’s a 1971 Dodge Challenger, Connie. It was the only year they made the model with a split-grille, Connie. You don’t know anything.”

“I do know that there’s no BATTERIES IN HERE, DON”

“WELL NEXT TIME YOU CAN GRAB YOUR OWN FUCKING BATTERIES AND I’LL HIDE IN MY BEAUTIFUL 1971 DODGE CHALLENGER WHILE YOUR FACE GETS EATEN, IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!”

“MAYBE.”

“GREAT.”

Don and Connie are interrupted by the sound of leaves outside. There’s no wind, but the leaves are rustling and cracking, as if being stepped on.

“Oh fuck, oh no, Don. Someone’s out there. What do we do? Don! What do we do?”

“Oh NOW you want my input?! Where was this energy when you were forcing me to abandon my car, huh? I could’ve gotten it started, but you forced us out of the house!”

“THE CAR IS BROKEN, DON. IT WASN’T GOING TO START.”

“OF COURSE IT’S BROKEN CONNIE, THAT’S THE POINT OF RESTORING IT. THEY DON’T MAKE CARS LIKE THAT ANYMORE, SO IF YOU WANT ONE, YOU HAVE TO BUY IT BROKEN AND FIX IT. I could’ve gotten it started if you gave me five fucking minutes.”

“FIVE MINUTES AND WE WOULD’VE GOTTEN KILLED”

“AND MAYBE THAT WOULD’VE BEEN PREFERABLE TO THIS!”

“YOU’RE AN ASS!”

“TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE, SWEETHEART!”

The door slams open with a bang. In the doorway stands a man holding an ax. It’s dark, but the moonlight from the window let’s Connie and Don see that his face has signs of decay and his hands are covered in blood.

“LOOK WHAT YOU DID, CONNIE, WITH YOUR BIG FUCKING MOUTH, LOOK WHAT YOU DID!”

“ME?! YOU’RE THE ONE SCREAMING ABOUT YOUR CRUSH ON YOUR STUPID CAR!”

“IT’S A DODGE CHALLENGER!”

The man slams his fist on the door. The sound makes Connie yelp.

“Shut up, both of you.” The man says. “Look, I’m going to be honest. I was attacked by zombies a little ways away from here. I got out, but not before getting infected, obviously. I don’t know how long it takes to, ya know, take over my entire body but it’ll be soon.”

“What do you want from us?” Don asks over the sound of Connie’s crying.

“Heh, well that’s where this gets a little awkward.” The man leans against the doorway. “You see, the transformation is incredibly painful.” He pauses, then suddenly vomits onto the floor.

“The only thing that makes it feel better is eating. Ya know… a person. Now before you look at me like I’m a monster, the only reason I know that is because I ate someone who was already dead! So if anything, I’m on like a moral middle ground right now. But, uh… I need to eat. And seeing as you're the only people I’ve found I uh… 

Well I need to eat one of you. Then I’ll be on my way to find a secluded area to, well I don’t even know what's next, die maybe.” 

“EAT HIM! EAT DON, PLEASE! HE HAS NOTHING TO LIVE FOR, ALL HE HAS IS ME AND A STUPID CAR! PLEASE, I’M STILL YOUNG-ISH, I HAVE TIME TO FIND SOMEONE NEW, HE… HE’S OLD! LOOK AT HIS HAIR!”

“WHAT?! CONNIE, YOU BITCH! Look at how she treats me man, look at this shit! Eat her man, save me from my misery. I bet you had an ungrateful wife! You know how it is!”

“Actually,” the man sighs, “I had a husband, and he wasn’t nearly as annoying as you two.”

“HA!” Connie shouts while pointing at Don.

“He called us both annoying, you idiot!”

“Oh, I’m the idiot?! You’re the one that never graduated college because you don’t know how to READ, DON. FIRST GRADERS KNOW HOW TO READ, YOU’RE 50 FUCKING YEARS OLD AND YOU CAN’T EVEN READ!”

“DYSLEXIA IS THE MOST COMMON LEARNING DISABILITY, CONNIE. I’VE TOLD YOU THAT A MILLION TIMES!”

“OH YEAH?! WHAT LEARNING DISABILITY MAKES YOU HAVE PHONE SEX WITH A RANDOM WHORE WHILE YOU’RE MARRIED?”

“FOR THE LAST TIME, THAT WHORE WAS MY BOSS AND HE’S A MAN WHO NEEDED ME TO COME TO WORK!”

“AT MIDNIGHT?!”

“YEAH, THERE WAS AN EMERGENCY!”

“WHAT EMERGENCIES CAN THERE BE AT A FUCKING AUTO SHOP, DON?!”

“SHUT UP, HOLY SHIT!” The man screams. “What is wrong with you two?! One of you is about to die and get eaten and you can’t shut up about your stupid marital problems! I hate straight people. Now, just sit there quietly while I decide which of you to eat. Do you think this is easy for me?! I was a vegan!”

“Well at least he could commit to it…” Don whispers.

“How dare you, I could’ve been vegetarian if I didn’t have to make you dinner every night, you giant baby,” Connie whispers back at Don.

“Oh god, here we go again. Don’t blame me for your shortcomings, I told you I could make myself frozen dinners and you could commit to your stupid diet.”

“It’s not stupid to care about animals you heartless son of a bitch, and besides, how would you read the instructions mister most-common-learning-disability?”

“Well maybe if you ever decided to care about me, you could’ve shown me how to make them!”

“Oh what a turn on! Teaching my 50 year old husband how to heat up his dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets! How sexy!”

“And I’m supposed to find you sexy when I get home and you’re wearing a burlap sack?”

“It’s a sustainable dress made out of hemp leaves, you moron!”

“Oh, here we go again with the hemp leaves!”

“STOP!” The man covers his ears with his hands. 

“You people are the fucking WORST, you’re going to drive me insane with your stupid bickering. The zombies that attacked me are better company than you! Ugh, god, whatever I made a decision. I’m going to eat Connie. I feel like her body is probably healthier, considering you eat dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets. Do you have any idea what parts of the chicken go into chicken nuggets, Don? It’s disgusting.” 

“WHAT NO, PLEASE!” Connie screams.

Uh, for the record, they aren’t always dinosaur shaped…”

“DON, HE’S ABOUT TO EAT ME AND THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?!”

“OH, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SAY CONNIE? BON APPETIT?!”

“DON!”

“WHAT?! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO, SACRIFICE MYSELF? NO PLEASE SIR, HACK ME TO DEATH AND EAT MY BRAIN IN FRONT OF MY UNGRATEFUL WIFE!”

“UNGRATEFUL?! ME, UNGRATEFUL?! I CLEAN THE WHOLE HOUSE AND COOK YOU DINNER EVERYDAY, THEN YOU GET HOME, KICK YOUR SHOES OFF IN THE LIVING ROOM AND DISAPPEAR INTO THE GARAGE TO JACK OFF TO YOUR CAR!”

“AND WHAT DO YOU THINK I’M DOING ALL DAY, CONNIE?! WORKING MY ASS OFF FOR PEOPLE THAT CAN AFFORD TO PAY OTHER PEOPLE TO FIX THEIR DAMN CARS, THEN I GET HOME TO A WIFE THAT LOOKS AT ME LIKE I’M A CHILD!”

“YOU ARE A CHILD!”

“FUCK YOU, CONNIE!”

“I BET YOU WISH YOU COULD, DON!”

“ENOUGH!” The man screams, while picking up his ax. “Enough, I can’t STAND this! My brain is being taken over by an undead virus and the last thing I’m going to hear is you morons arguing! I- I can’t do this. I don’t want my last taste of humanity… pun unintended… to be you two ingrates. Congratulations! You get to live with your miserable relationship a little while longer! I’m out of here. I’d rather die a zombie than live another second with you guys.” 

Connie and Don stand there in shock as the man swings his ax over his shoulder and disappears through the doorway. As he walks off, they can hear him vomit and cough for a while until he’s finally out of earshot.

“I- can’t believe it.” Connie says, with a relieved sigh. She looks at Don, who looks back with the same dumbfounded expression she’s sporting. Their shock turns into laughter as they tearfully embrace each other. 

“I’m sorry I was going to let you die, Connie!”

“I’m sorry I called you a waste of life, Don!”

“...You didn’t actually say tha-”

“JUST KISS ME!” Connie interrupts. They kiss passionately in the middle of their small cabin. When they pull back, they stand in front of each other, smiling in silence.

“So... what now?” Connie asks.

“We could play some cards!”

“Sure, that sounds good.”

“Okay great, shine the light over here so I can find the deck.”

Connie grabs the flashlight and clicks the power button. The light flickers on and quickly flickers off. She slaps it against her hand and tries again, to no avail.

“The battery’s dead, Don.”

“What?!”

“Would you like me to say it in Spanish?! El batterio is deado, Don!”

“Oh god Connie, I just remembered where I left the batteries…”

“...Where, Don?”



“They’re in the front seat of the 1971 Dodge Challenger…”

“DON!”


September 22, 2020 20:26

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

0 comments

RBE | Illustration — We made a writing app for you | 2023-02

We made a writing app for you

Yes, you! Write. Format. Export for ebook and print. 100% free, always.