A Pandemic Childhood

Through his 7 year olds eyes (Coronavirus March - August 2020)

My mom says it is almost 8pm and time to get into bed. The summer sun is still awake. My little sister is confused. Why does the sun stay up later than us? She’s 4 years old and asks a lot of questions about a lot of things. I can understand more than her because I’m 7. I know about the “coronavirus” and thats the reason we stopped going to school. It was still winter and the sun went to bed much earlier. We couldn’t see my Grammy and Papa for a while. I only saw my teachers and friends on Zoom. We stayed inside mostly and the days all felt the same. I’m still not sure when the sun started going to bed later than I did. 

My mom, my sister and I all go to the same school. My mom is the school counselor. She read books, plays games and talks to kids about their feelings. I am pretty good at naming my feelings since I practice a lot. 

After we were home for about a week, I had a dream and I wanted to share it with my mom the next morning. 

“Everyone from our school was sent to Russia right away in separate rocket ships. When you got to Russia, you were assigned your group of 3 kids and one adult who would stay in this one hotel room for as long as you were there. I was with my best friend, his cousin and his dad. You were Liv (my sister) and her 2 friends. Each group was assigned 3 things that you had to do every single day: it takes place at this amusement park called “Wonderland.” My activities were going hiking in the dessert, the Himalayan mountains and the pool. Livvy went to the waterpark, the pool and sprinklers. You didn't see anyone outside your group. The teachers weren’t allowed to come so in my dream I never saw my teachers again. Except if you have a kid in the school. Like Benji. His mom got to come. And you. But most of the teachers didn't. It was sad but also fun.” 

My mom is listening carefully but doesn’t respond for a few seconds. That is quite a dream! She asks again about why the teachers cant come and I can almost hear her brain putting all the puzzle pieces together. My statements feel powerful and she says I should write it down or voice record it. When I said I definitely wanted to - her mood changes a bit “It sounds a little like summer camp!” 

At first, online school was kind of exciting. Being on my iPad for so many hours was fun and new. My sister and I used to stay in aftercare till 6pm. Now we would hangout at home and build cozy forts using our couch cushions and blankets. There was never enough space for both of our forts and my sister usually ended up crying and screaming. Then I changed the game to The Floor is Lava but my sister didn’t follow the rules. She said she didn’t understand and my mom frequently got angry at me. But sometimes we dance and have fun. Sometimes it feels normal. Before Coronavirus, we got along pretty well. It was special to be a staff kid and see her in my class. We had a lot of things in common. But now it was different. She said I was being too rough and my sister isn’t a 7 year old boy! I sometimes felt that my mom was always yelling at me. Then she would apologize and we’d talk about it. Sometimes I’d notice her crying. She explained that leaving school and not being allowed to go outside or see anyone was overwhelming, scary and confusing for all the moms and dads and teachers and grandparents. I didn’t believe her because Olaf says that 'when you're older, absolutely everything makes sense.” But she told me that isn’t true and this situation has never ever happened before. She said that she had never ever had to stop going to school in the middle of the year. And neither did my Great Grandma! I didn’t realize that at first. Did you? 

I looked forward to seeing my teachers on Zoom each day. Thee teachers are special to me since I had 4 of them last year also. I felt so comfortable and loved by them, but as the Zoom days wore on, I became tired and cranky. I used to be really happy; I loved to play and share my ideas. But we were muted most of the time until we got called on. The teachers didn’t always see who raised their hand. Sometimes I felt invisible. I got distracted and sometimes didn’t do what I was supposed to do. Sometimes I just wrote down funny things my friends said or doodled in a notepad. I tried my best to pay attention, After a few weeks of only seeing friends in Zoom, my mom told me my best friend was going to Facetime me at 7pm. I was so excited; we laughed and did silly emoji for 30 minutes. My mom said it was the first time she saw a glimpse of old me. That made me feel happy and sad at the same time. My mom says you can have 2 different feelings at the same time and I really understood it now. I started to realize that I missed making jokes with friends at lunch or playing tag at recess. I missed the comfort and routines of school; a place where I felt confident, safe and loved. My sister started to cry more forgot what class she was in. She just wanted to be with my mom or watch Daniel Tiger. I tried to play calmer games with her because I had no one else to play with. The newness was wearing off. 

My birthday was on Zoom and I tried to be excited but I missed the school birthdays I’d have since I was 3. I also knew I couldn’t have the Bounce U party I’d been wishing for all year so I didn't even mention it. I tried not to complain too much when we celebrated the same exact way we did for my sisters a month earlier - by going to my Grammys house. Instead I created a quiz game for my friends and we had bring your own dessert on Zoom. We started taking walks outside or driving outside of Brooklyn. 

I only knew it was June because of my birthday, We didn't have any of the end of school events like we usually do. No sprinkler days, or picnics and then we found out our summer camps were cancelled. My mom said its okay to be sad and disappointed but I tried to be strong. I wanted to be a big kid for my sister but was also having little kid feelings. We did have a few fun days where the teachers all planned different activities and we danced and ate treats, like smores. Those were special days. Then one Friday a few weeks after my birthday, it was the last day of school. In the morning, my mom planned a special Community Time for my class and I got angry when I thought she didn't unmute me. I signed off. She was really upset. I told her it was a hard day and she understood. I was done with 1st grade. My mom seemed almost relieved when school ended but then Brooklyn started having protests, lots of ambulances and fireworks and we stopped going outside again. 

That evening my mom said a very very special surprise was coming and I had no idea what it could be. But she was right, it was the best day of the year. My teachers came to my building to give me and my 2 neighbors in my class our end of the year gifts. Everyone was in masks but we were shrieking of excitement. I missed my teachers so much. 

Sometimes I cry at night when things get too overwhelming. My mom said she feels the same way. Sometimes I don’t let her leave my room because I need to get rid of my worry monster or maybe he is just sad and not worried. But I need him out of my head. She tells me not to feed the worry monster or he gets too fat and sleeps in your bed. But if you can ignore or distract, he shrinks. 

These Coronavirus feelings aren't like regular feelings. I can’t name my feeling because I just feel confused and uncertain. The grown ups don't have any more information than we do. It's a little hard to just be unsure so I try not to think about it, but it sneaks in. Does it sneak in for you? My mom says these feelings aren't forever, but it is for now. And she knows that isn’t a great answer but it is the only one she says. 

Its already August and we just got our class “pods”. I am with my friends so I feel happy and relieved. I have new teachers. Will I be shy? Or excited? Will I know where to sit? Will there be a lot of different rules? Sometimes I forgot what a teacher tells me or I can’t concentrate. My mom tries to tell me some of the new rules and routines that will help keep everyone safe and healthy. I am up for the new challenges. She doesn’t say too much because neither of us want to feed the worry bug. If they get too fat, they definitely cannot be 6 feet apart. I hope I can be brave, but it is okay if I am nervous. My friends are with me and we can all be brave, nervous, shy and excited all together. (So, In case you can’t see my facial expression through my mask, I am feeling all those feelings and you might be feeling even more!)

Mom's lens of her son, 7