Dust to Dust

Note: This story contains use of tobacco and also the death of a partner.

“From the day I met you, I knew you’d be mine.”

The words I see on the page of what would have been my wedding vows to you. I feel my eyes well up as the sheet of paper gazes my hands. Seeming to find every crack, crevice, and seem in my hand as I try and comprehend what has just occurred… that was until the day you left me.

September 5th,2024. The day that will always bleed into my mind. Sitting on my grey concrete slab of a patio that my landlord considers a “considerable size addition to your living space.” Just being big enough to add a bistro table and two chairs. I look at your empty seat and think of the day that I won’t ever see again. The day just over a week from now, the day you were supposed to be mine in matrimony till death do us part. Death unfortunately having other plans, laughing as I sit and chain smoke. Feeling my hands shake as I cry over the idea of not seeing you on the other side of this table. Your seat seeming as empty as a black void that has been struck into my heart. September the 5th will now always be a day I can’t fathom how unbearably depressing it will be.

It was just a few short months ago. I had finished planning some wedding items on our checklist when you walked in. Pale as you sat me down. My mind void as the words I can’t comprehend other than “cancer” and “leukemia”. You had been so tired and lethargic the last few weeks, and I giggled just calling you a sleepy head. I found myself in a spiral as we sat there, feeling my left flash before my eyes. Feeling my life, with the upcoming wedding, slowly become a day I was hoping you would make it to. You almost did. You tried. I can’t forgive you for leaving me this soon.

I think back to that day. We cried, looked over memories as we cuddled up in a blanket. Both of us crying as I promised to be by your side as we fought like hell to make this the fight of our lifetime. Cuddled up on the couch I promised to love you as I always had, to support you through thick and thin no matter what. Now, you’ll be forever 28. I can’t ever look back at my 25th year as being anything but miserable now. You swept me off my feet and made me fall in love with you so incredibly hard, now leaving my heart shattered into a million pieces as I scramble to gather the pieces and try and glue them all back together.

I had everything planned out for our perfect day. Taking us back to the place of our first date on Ward’s island here in Toronto. Taking us back to the spot I knew from the minute that I saw you that I loved you. I planned the perfect day that was supposed to be filled with love, joy, and the devotion of ourselves to each other. Surrounded by friends and family as we celebrated our new found life together. Now on the very day, I have a chapel booked here on the mainland. In the deep caverns of the Funeral home I will be pushing the button to send your body into the flames of the open maw of the fire filled chamber of the crematory machine.

On the very day where we were to say our I do’s and have our friends and family join us on the beginning of our journey, my journey with you having been cut so short. Why did you have to leave me like this Alex?

I now find myself cowering through the lists of people on the invites telling them the news of your passing. Having to call each vendor and canceling just a week out. I hope I can get the deposits back, my heart sinking as I look at my now empty bank account.

Every cent of that now going into paying for your funeral that I’m now having to plan.

Alexander Cain, you’re leaving me a broken hearted man. My life now seeming cold. This was not the plan, I thought we had so much time left. Your heart gave out before I could give you mine. This was not the day I hoped it to be. I love you, Alex. I’ll miss you from this day on.

My wedding day to you was supposed to be the best day of my life. The day I would look back and tell your daughter from your previous relationship as the happiest day of our lives. The day that we all really became a family. I was going to take your name, become your partner in crime as we fought our way through life together. The day that was supposed to be filled with laughter, joy, and the exuding happiness that was supposed to be our families becoming one. Now I’m empty, hopeless, and miserable. I miss you more than anything. A few hours just after your last breathes as I try my best to keep myself together. Your daughter at her moms, the apartment quiet and not seeming filled with anything but the cold and tiredness that I feel aching from the inside of me.

Our wedding day was supposed to be the day that I could really say to you how much I love you in front of the whole world. Through thick and thin, you would be my rock. Every day from dusk till dawn you would be my reason to keep on going through life. My love for you is undeniable. The love, compassion, care, and devotion to me you had shown me is something that I will always hold dear to my heart.

On the very day we were supposed to be wed, I now will see your cardboard box loaded into the roaring fire, as you turn to ashes. Dust to dust. Forever 28, but in my heart you will always be growing old with me. As I take the last drag of my cigarette and shake at the thought of not seeing you on the inside of the door reading a book, I see the glowing embers dance in the ashtray, burning as hot as my love for you.