Gone

She is gone. I stare, startled, at the place she was not three seconds ago. I whip my head around. Nothing but air.

“Jane?” There is only silence. “Jane!” I call, louder. I am not a very brave person. I have always been scared of everyone around me, scared of my own shadow even. The dark of the street is too much. “Jane!” My cries are shrill, and lost in the echoes. 

I turn and begin walking back the way we came from. She is just hiding behind a trash can somewhere, waiting to burst out and scare me. I will not flinch. I always flinch, but today I will not. I refuse to. “Jane! Come out!” I force a chuckle. As the chuckle echoes down the street, I hear another sound, a lower, gurgling laugh. Like the laugh of a child. A child? “Jane!” I call. I try to ignore the way my voice cracks when I say it, and I lick my dry lips. The moon peeks out from behind a cloud, bathing the street in light. I see movement further down. It has to be Jane. 

I come up on the point where I saw the shadow, marked by a gutter. Some water is left trickling down it from the morning rain showers. Still nothing. “Jane!” I call, my voice shaking a little this time. My sister is not a cruel person. Why would she be playing this joke on me? She knows I am easily scared. Why is she scaring me?

I look around quickly, looking for a sign, any sign of her. I can feel my breath coming quicker now. I am the type of person who lives in my dreams and fantasies. My imagination is my bane. Now I can see her jumping up behind me, being kidnapped by silent men, turning into a werewolf in the light of the full moon...

My imagination may be my lifeline, but it is the fuel behind my fears. My palms are sweaty now. I can hear my ragged breaths in the still night, hear the beat of my heart. I am awake. I am awake and alive, but I am the only thing in the world. Me and my fear. My fear and I. I am awake. I am alive. Jane is gone. Jane is awake. Jane is alive. My fear. Jane’s fear. Terror…

I barely realize that I am beyond all rational thinking. I am terrified. I am so alone. I can hardly breathe for fear of the night. Fear of Jane. Of Jane? For Jane? It is while my mind is racing that I see another shadow. The shadow is coming from an alleyway. I begin to run. I do not know why I run, but I do. When I reach the alleyway, I see a child. A child boy, grinning at me in a lopsided way. Or is he looking past me? I whirl around. There is nothing. When I look back, the child is gone. 

No child. Just my fear. Or was there a child. Fear. I am scared. Scared. I am shutting down. I am cold. I am scared. Jane is gone. Jane is scared. Jane…

I walk further into the alleyway. Where is she? And then I see her.

She is surrounded by three men. They are huge. She is purple in the face, crying, screaming, only silently. I cannot hear her. She needs me. Jane is scared. Jane...No, I am scared. I open my mouth to yell at the men, but no sound comes out. I am shocked, in shock, scared, so scared. I can’t move. I am rooted to the spot. The light is closing in in my vision. The dark is penetrating. The dark is coming to get me… the dark is the enemy. Why me? Someone help...help please...I need help...Jane needs help… I am too scared. 

And then she goes limp. One of the men chuckles. I scream, for real this time. My scream is so loud, louder than life. All I can see is my sister, lying there. My sister, my everything, my Jane. Jane. Jane. I run. I can hear pounding in my ears. My fear that shut me down is now electrifying me. I run. I feel wind beating in my ears. I run and scream. All I can feel is fear. There is fear. There is terror. There is darkness, the night, the men, my sister. 

And anger. I can feel it coursing through me. I cannot control my anger. I run. I run and run and run. Tears have blinded me. I run. All I can do is run. 

And then someone stops me and lifts me up. Someone is carrying me. I can still feel my legs kicking. I need to run. I need to get to Jane. I have to get there. I have to help Jane. Jane needs help. The night is the enemy. Jane. Jane. Jane needs me. I am scared. No. I am angry. Jane is scared. I am brave. I have to get her. I need to help her. These are the last thoughts coursing through my mind before I black out. 

When I wake up, I am strapped down in a bed. I am in a sick room of some kind. There are blinding lights all focused on me. People bustle around. People. People. Jane! Now I am awake. I try to jump up, but the bonds hold me down. Jane. I have to get to her. I have to help her. 

“Let me go!” I scream at the people on the other side of the room. “Let me go! Jane! I have to go!” They look at me, blankly. Some look scared of me, some look like they are relieved I have woken up. One of them, a man, comes and sits on the side of my bed. 

“I’m so glad you’ve woken up.” He says. His voice is warm and has an accent that I can’t place. It calms me at once. 

“Where is Jane?” I ask. That is all that matters to me. I continue to struggle against the bonds, but it becomes apparent he is not going to let me go. 

“What is your name?” He asks. 

“Where is Jane?” I repeat, louder. 

“I’m afraid I don’t know who Jane is. Could you tell me your name?” 

“They have Jane!” I scream. I can feel my face getting hot. Why will they not listen? I need them to listen. “They have her, and she went limp, and…” I trail off when I realize what I am about to say. “They killed my sister!” I scream. I am berserk. I am uncontrollable. I am on fire. I am livid. I am scared. I am angry and I am alone. “Let me out of here! I have to go to Jane!”

The man smiles sadly at me. “No one was killed. It’s all okay.” His voice is soothing. Soothing....

“What is your name, young lady?” He asks. I stare at him. My name… my name. There is no name, there is only Jane. Jane and fear, and the child in the alleyway. Fear, the child. Fear, child. Child. Jane. 

The man appears to get sick of waiting for me to answer. “The poor girl.” He says, shaking his head. “She’s lost her mind. Fetch the nurses, please.” 

Jane. Child. Jane. Fear. Jane. Men. Jane. Sister. Dead. Kill. Murder. 

I never knew how much strength I had. Everything, my fear and anger, gave me strength. I jumped up. The bonds holding me down snapped and broke. “My sister. My sister was killed and you do nothing. Nothing!” I scream. And then I begin to run. I ran yesterday and I run now. I run. Run. Run. I don’t stop running. I bolt from the hospital where they are holding me. I run until I can no longer feel the pain. I run until I come into the street where I lost her. I run until I reach the alleyway. I run until I collapse on the concrete. Jane. Jane. Jane.

I begin to sob. I am crying. Everything. All of me. It runs down. I watch it run away. I watch it go. I watch it vanish. I watch everything go. I cry until there is nothing left. I no longer feel. I no longer think. I am nothing. Insignificant. I see the child. She is Jane. Jane is the child. The child is young Jane. The Jane I grew up with. The child. I reach out to hug her and my fingers close on air. I..fear...dark...men...Jane….fear...men...dead….Jane...dead...Jane..Jane...Jane...nothing.

I am gone. I am nothing. I laugh into the concrete. I am laying down. Or am I standing up. Oh goodness, it’s so funny. There is nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I am nothing. Jane. Nothing. Nothing. Jane. 

Gone.