The Highetty Society

“Would you like to join my secret society?”

“Sure, sounds cool. I would love to join. What is it?”

“Do not talk about the secret society.”

“What?”

“I said, do not talk about the secret society.”

“Sure. It’s real though, right?”

“I have no idea of what you’re talking about.”

“Okay.”

“So, you want to join?”

“You mean like join up for real? Do I get a t-shirt.”

“Do not talk about secret society t-shirts or any other article of clothing. It’s blasphemy.”

“Clothing is blasphemy?”

“Do not talk about clothing. At least not in the context-”

“The secret society. I know.”

“Do you want to join?”

“I don’t know. Maybe not. I’d rather…”

“What?”

“I guess. Play video games. Read a book. Write a book. Make a game.”

“Oh, I get it.”

“Get what?”

“I get it. You think you’re too good for us. You think you’re better than us.”

“No, I don’t. I promise.”

“Don’t say ‘don’t’ if you’re a member of the secret society.”

“You just said ‘don’t’ twice! You broke your own rules!”

“No, I didn’t.”

“And not only did you say ‘don’t,’ you just said didn’t!”

“No, I…won’t.”

“Same thing.”

“No, it isn’t. Nothing is the same thing in the secret society.”

“That’s just like saying that everything is nothing!”

“No, it’s not.”

“You just contradicted yourself!”

“I can’t contradict myself.”

“Why?”

“You ever read the Bible?”

“Bible?”

“Yes, the Bible.”

“What’s that got to do with it?”

“Don’t discuss the Bible in the secret society.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Our secret society typeset the first edition.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We did it under King Lear.”

“Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!”

“Why? What’s so funny?”

“Don’t talk about funny in the secret society.”

“Only the big guys have to follow that rule.”

“So, you want to join my secret society?”

“Jesus said you can’t mock that which doesn’t exist.”

“Was he in the secret society as well?”

“Yes, but don’t tell anybody.”

“Why, exactly?”

“Why?”

“Yes, why can’t I tell anybody that Jesus was in your secret society?”

“Because it’s-“

“Do not say what you’re about to-“

“A secret.”

“Okay, let me tell you something.”

“Do you have your own secret society? I’d love to join.”

“Why do you want to join my secret society? Don’t you like yours?”

“Do not talk about secret societies!”

“You just asked me if I had one.”

“That’s just one of the mysteries of life.”

“True. It is a mystery. It’s a mystery that I even got into this argument.”

“I’m not arguing. I just want you to join my secret society.”

“You just told me not to tell you about secret societies!”

“You can if you join.”

“If I join your secret society, do I have the freedom to talk about secret societies?”

“Yes.”

“And do I have the freedom to not talk about secret societies?”

“Yes-no. Let the light inside you shine through.”

“Oh! Let the light inside me shine through. I wasn’t expecting that.”

“You should have.”

“Why should I have?”

“It’s not a secret.”

“What do I get if I join?”

“It’s a secret.”

“What do you believe?”

“That is also a secret.”

“Where do you meet?”

“That’s a secret.”

“Do you have a megazord formation?”

“Secret.”

“What is the point of joining a secret society if everything is a secret?”

“I don’t know. Why did you want to join?”

“I didn’t. You asked me!”

“I can answer your questions.”

“Yes. What is the point of joining a secret society if everything is secret and what is the point of keeping secrets if you can’t even tell people how to join your secret society?”

“It’s the circle of life…”

“No, that’s The Lion King! That’s a Disney movie.”

“No, it’s a secret.”

“No, it’s not! I watch Disney movies on Youtube all the time!”

“That’s piracy!”

“Oh, that’s not piracy! Blackbeard is piracy! Pirates of the Caribbean is piracy!”

“We have pirates.”

“No, you don’t!”

“Do you want to join? Or don’t you?”

“Look.”

“Yes?”

“I’m trying to be diplomatic here.”

“You can be our diplomat.”

“I don’t want to be your diplomat.”

“Oh, you’re too good for us. You know, we run the post office…”

“The post office? Really? What do you deliver?”

“It’s a secret!”

“No, it’s not. The post office isn’t a secret. I can send letters to anybody I want. Anywhere around the world.”

“It’s because you have a top clearance…”

“Top clearance? I haven’t even joined yet.”

“So, you do want to join.”

“How and where do I apply?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Oh, that’s a secret. What can you tell me?”

“I’m not even supposed to be talking to you. I’m going undercover as a Peruvian deaf mute.”

“A deaf mute?”

“Yep.”

“And you’re supposed to be going undercover right now?”

“Yep. It’s a secret.”

“And you’ve violated your deepest principles to tell me of secrets.”

“Don’t tell anybody.”

“What am I to tell them? You never told me anything. You just kept saying it was a secret.”

“Don’t say the word ‘secret’.”

“Why? Why can’t I say the word ‘secret’?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Okay, I get it now.”

“Yes.”

“You’re making fun of me.”

“I would never malign my greatest disciple. Never.”

“Greatest disciple?”

“I’m so proud of you, my son.”

“Are you skiing in the desert?”

“It’s a secret. Don’t talk about that part.”

“It’s not a secret.”

“Yes, it is. How do you know?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Oh, you can’t use my secret society philosophy against me! I’m-“

“No, you can’t talk about the secret society, because it’s a secret.”

“Do you want to join?”

“That’s my personal secret. I’ll never tell another soul.

“I’ll tell you the secret if you join.”

“What’s the secret?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Thank goodness we cleared that up. Want to get some Starbucks?”

“I want to order from their secret menu.”

“What’s on it?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Of course it is.”

“You should consider joining. There’s free parking.”