Dysfunctional Perfect Husband

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Name:

Model 1982: The Perfect Husband™️ – Deluxe Home Edition

Tagline:

Raised by Mom. Supports tacos. Afraid of pumpkins. Some emotional assembly required.

PRODUCT DESCRIPTION:

Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Perfect Husband Starter Pack, featuring Model 1982, a mostly house-trained, emotionally compatible partner unit that may or may not come with tacos (availability varies by mood, pantry inventory, and tortilla integrity).

Unlike earlier versions (see: Model 1979 – Emotionally Repressed, or Model 1985 – Has Strong Opinions About Mustard), Model 1982 has been gently upgraded for long-term emotional companionship, snack-sharing, and reluctant home improvement projects.

KEY FEATURES:

Raised Momma’s Boy

Comes pre-loaded with deeply rooted family guilt, an irrational fear of disappointing her, a borderline obsession with her meatloaf, and a tendency to compare your parenting style to hers without realizing he’s doing it.

It’s a confusing love-hate relationship with matching Christmas pajamas.

Taco Support System

Believes tacos can solve anything from broken hearts to bad plumbing. Has been known to say “I Love you “in the form of a fully loaded plate of nachos willingly to drive 30 minutes for the “good salsa” without question.

Entertainment Compatibility

Fully functional with home improvement shows, baking competitions, and “one more episode” marathons. May cry at The Notebook. Denies it. Loudly.

Cooking Confidence (Caution: Unfounded)

Can be found proudly making his “famous” dish (which you will pretend to enjoy). Requires gentle, supportive lies like, “Babe, did you use cumin again? Incredible.”

Also requires enthusiastic but heavily edited praise, “Wow, babe, this is…creative!”

Snuggle Mode

Activate when you’re sad, cold, or annoyed with your family. Warning: The model will wrap around you like a human tortilla. Do not attempt to escape. May murmur, “you smell like soup.”

Fear Recognition Module

Deeply afraid of:

– Pumpkins (long story, involves 2nd grade and a hayride gone wrong, don't ask)

– Confrontation

–Your ex’s Instagram

– Fitted sheets

– Being asked what he’s thinking

– Being asked what he is thinking

– biggest fear ...IKEA instructions with more than six steps

WHAT’S IN THE BOX:

1 full-size Model 1982 (some scuffs, adds character)

1 worn flannel shirt (smells like firewood and unpaid bills)

1 remote control (never in the right place)

A decade of dad jokes

Blanket fort blueprints

Basic snuggling functionality (beta version)

Emotional baggage (carry-on size)

USER MANUAL (Quick Start Guide)

Power On:

Say, “We’re out of coffee.” The model will be active within 30–45 seconds. For emergency power-up, touch the back of your neck and whisper “Tacos.”

Feeding Instructions:

Snacks required every 2–4 hours. Severe hangry malfunctions may include sarcasm, overcooking pasta, or disappearing to the garage.

Reset Procedure:

Hold hands, make soft eye contact, initiate conversation using the phrase, “Remember that one time we…” Emotional reboot will begin within 90 seconds.

Sleep Mode:

Auto-activates when reclined at 45 degrees with remote in hand. Will deny sleeping.

FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions):

Q: Can I return him?

A: Returns are discouraged, but he can be gently recycled into a supportive book club husband.

Q: Does he come in other models?

A: Other models exist but may come with fantasy football obsessions or an allergy to emotional growth.

Q: Is he waterproof?

A: Water-resistant, yes. Waterproof, no. Prone to tears during Pixar films and when you call him “home.”

Q: Can he multitask?

A: He can attempt to chew gum while hanging curtain rods. Multitasking while listening? Not recommended.

Q: Does he respond to “Fine”?

A: Not initially. Reprogramming may be necessary.

CUSTOMER REVIEWS:

***** “Not terrible.”

– Linda, his mom

**** “Forgets the milk but remembers my birthday. That’s growth.”

– Katie, current user

** “Burned my house down trying to deep fry a turkey. Still hot though.”

– Anonymous Reviewer

* “Not for me, but he tries.”

– Karen (definitely his ex)

*** “He folds laundry… sometimes. But he’ll carry all the grocery bags in one trip, and honestly, that’s love.”

– J.L., surprise fan

FAKE WARRANTY:

30-Year Limited Emotional Availability Guarantee

Includes:

Basic compliments

Cuddles during storms

Non-judgmental taco consumption

Does NOT include:

Listening during sports replays

Remembering where you put your keys

Understanding why you cried during a baking commercial

HOW TO ORDER:

Ask the universe (or your great-aunt with “a guy you should meet”) for someone nothing like your ex. Wait 2–4 years. Look again. Add to cart. Cross your fingers. Prepare snacks.

DISCLAIMER:

Model 1982 may appear emotionally available and romantic, but is still prone to:

Quietly shutting cabinets with his foot

Dramatically sighing before doing chores

Saying “I’m fine” while clearly not fine

But he’ll dance with you in the kitchen.

He’ll laugh at your worst jokes.

He’ll bring tacos when you say you’re “not hungry” and stay when you’re a mess.

Model 1982 is imperfect. But he’s real. And he’s yours.

Use patience, kindness, and extra cheese.

RETURN POLICY (And Why You Won’t Use It)

Technically speaking, yes — Model 1982 is returnable. But let’s be honest: very few units ever come back.

Because once you’ve test-driven this model for at least a year, a few things happen:

You start to appreciate the little things:

The way he remembers your coffee order better than you do.

How he talks to the dog like a human when he thinks you’re not listening.

His surprisingly passionate opinions on which blanket is “the good one.”

You’ll realize he’s a rare model that:

Hums off-key love songs while doing the dishes.

Voluntarily changes the toilet paper roll (we know—unbelievable).

Instinctively hands you the best bite of whatever he’s eating, without being asked.

And sure, he may leave socks near, but not in, the hamper.

And maybe he insists on watching the director’s cut of everything.

But he’ll also:

Talk you down from anxiety spirals

Celebrate your weird wins (like parallel parking or folding a fitted sheet)

Laugh so hard at your jokes that you feel like a comedy genius

Returns? Please.

You won’t want to return this man — you’ll want to insure him.

So go ahead. Give him a year.

Let him make your life a little messier, a little louder, and a whole lot better.

He’s imperfect. Predictably odd. Comfortably broken in.

But if you give him the chance?

Model 1982 will become your favorite thing you never knew you needed.

No receipt required.

No regrets necessary

Candy Tedford