Me, Myself and him

  My mom says that there isn’t anything that I can’t do, that I am the smartest person she’s ever known, but I don’t feel that way. Decisions, decisions, decisions; that is one of my biggest responsibilities in life. However, I feel that the decisions that I make never benefit me. The decisions I make are to either please my mom or just plain stupid. My entire grade 12 year I’d spent it making decisions as to what I want to do, what I want to be, where I want to achieve it and who I want by my side when I’ve achieved it. Academically and romantically, my decisions have been absolute shit. 

I gaze into my mirror in front of me and look at myself, wondering who I’ve become. I look at my caramel skin, reflecting in the mirror. Now, I know that hasn’t changed. I see my dark brown eyes, that continue to grow darker with every decision I make, making me feel more and more depressed by the minute. I run my hand through my curly extensions and sigh. I place my hands on my C-cup breasts and squeeze before sighing again and release them. No longer wanting to look at myself anymore, I turn around and begin to walk towards my door to exit. 

“Yeah, walk away, because besides running, that’s the only thing you seem capable of doing.” 

I whip my head around in search of the voice, but don’t see anyone. Perhaps I’ve finally lost my mind completely. I turn back around and open my door before hearing someone scoff. 

“I’m talking to you,” The voice says. 

I search for the voice once more and my eyes rest on the mirror. I stare at myself once again and then suddenly the me in the mirror moves and I jump back startled. 

What the fuck? 

I rub my hands against my eyes and then open them back up. 

“Did you just…no…” I stop myself from continuing and shake my head out of disbelief. Now, I know that I’ve completely lost my mind. 

“Yeah, I’m talking to you! Listen up.” The mirror image of me says. Next, the mirror begins to blur up the image of me and suddenly a hand pops out of the mirror and a different version of me stands right in front of me. I blink a couple of times, wondering how this could possibly be happening right now. Myself begins to approach me slowly and once she was directly in front me she stops. She appeared to be angry and I don’t know why. She has no extensions in her hair, she wears her hair out in a big puffy afro and big gold hoop earrings on her ears. Myself, also wears long basketball shorts, a dark t-shirt and high-tops. She reminds me of the old me; the old me that wore boy clothes and hated fake hair. 

“You disgust me,” Myself says to me, thrusting her finger at my chest, pushing me back a little. 

“How?” I ask. 

“You’ve changed, when did you become so weak!” Myself hisses. 

I frown. “Who the fuck you calling weak? I’ve given up so much, working so hard to live up to your high ass ambitions.” I say this time pushing my finger against Myself’s chest and pushing her back a little. 

Myself laughs evilly to herself and thrusts her hands up in the air out of frustration.

“Yeah? And when the fuck did you start giving up on everything, you quit piano, now you say that’s because Ali died. Bullshit. You quit basketball, because you didn’t like how it made you feel and because of your stupid ass anxiety. You quit Track, because you fell at a meet. Now didn’t you fall during hurdles in grade 6 too? Hmm another shit excuse. You quit praying for dad to come, you lost hope is what you said. You’re quitting French because you’re getting your first 70. Oh and now you’re quitting your dream of becoming a cardiologist, because you think you’re not smart enough…Now that’s funny. You're quitting all the shit you shouldn’t be quitting. Then here, 11 fucking years later and you’re still hanging onto Jason fucking Finn! You stupid girl.” Myself finishes her long rant and this time pushes me back with both hands, sending me falling, right on my ass with a thud. Myself approaches me slowly and leans over and shakes her head out of disappointment. 

“Like I said, you’re weak now!” 

Myself is pulled back and sent crashing into the dresser, by what appears to be a male. His back is towards me. 

“Man Sarah, is this what your bitch side looks like?” The familiar sounding male says. He turns around to face me and my brain immediately registers who it is. It’s Jason, the love of my life. He throws out his hand to help me up and I except it without hesitation. Once I am up I continue to stare at him, wondering whether he was really here or not, but I don’t care. I pull him into a hug and hold him tight. 

“I’ve missed you,” I sob. With him being in the army and us living no where close to each other its been hard. I see Myself roll her eyes while she is on the ground before, pulling herself back onto her feet. Jason and I release each other and he smiles at me. 

“I’ve missed you too.” 

“Oh god, you speak of the devil and he shows.” Myself says. 

Jason turns to face her and sighs. “Now what’s your problem?” 

“Well, one being you.” 

“He did nothing wrong,” I say. 

Myself snickers and rolls her eyes once more. “You’re still this stupid…still so blind that you can’t see that this guy is just an anchor weighing you down.” 

I say nothing. 

“How the hell am I, weighing her…you…both…Sarah down?” 

“She revolves her damn decisions around you and we can’t move on to anyone else because you keep dragging us around like a damn dog on a leash, tugging on us when you want us and then pushing us away when you find something or someone better. How about you do all of us a favour and leave us the fuck alone. 

“What!” Jason shouts out of disbelief and they both start yelling at each other. I let Myself’s words sink in. She’s right. I’ve quit everything and come up with all these excuses. I have to focus on my career. Well, I don’t even know what I want to do as a career any more, actually I do but am I capable of achieving it? I guess in order to know then I must try. Now Jason, we’ve been on and off for years, I’ve been in love with him since I was 10 years old and now I am barely 18 and I am still incapable of letting him go. I continue to seek out the good in him, but maybe he is the one that is keeping me from fulfilling my dreams. 

“STOP!” I yell at both Myself and Jason and they both shut up and look directly at me. 

“Look Sarah you know that I’ve always loved you…” Jason says, pleading his case. 

“You left me for the army…” I say. I stare at his shaven head, which once used to be filled with curls. I long for the old him, but he is no longer there. 

He shrugs. “It’s my dream Sarah…” 

“I thought being with me was,” I say. “You forget my birthday every year.” 

“I don’t… I am just so busy—”

“You always cancel to meet up.”

“I tell you that things come up like work and—”

“Stop lying to me! For once, stop making excuses. I want to fall in love with someone who is madly in love with me that sweeps me off my feet. I want a Romeo and Juliet love without the death or an Aladdin and Jasmine type of romance. I want you to be spontaneous and romantic, my knight in shining armour.” 

“Those are just fairy tales Sarah, they don’t happen in real life.” 

I shake my head out of disappointment and sigh. “Excuses and lies, that’s all you know how to do and now I see it.” 

“If you take my hand right now, you and I can walk off into the sunset together, I promise.” Jason lays his tan hand out for me to take and Myself just closes her eyes and shakes her head, no longer having anything else to say. I stare up into Jasons coffee coloured eyes, making you yearn more and more for them the more you looked. I lower my eyes to his pink, plump limps and bite down hard on my cheeks, refraining myself from pressing mine against his. I look up at his buzz cut hair, remembering the times that I’d run my hands through his long dark hair. Now that’s over. 

“Goodbye, Jason,” I say and turn around and walk towards my door, this time not bothering to look back.