Goodbye, My Narcissist

Three years seems to have flown by far rather quickly, wouldn't you say? It seems three years ago we fell madly in love, eating pizza and getting wasted after a joy ride to Erieau Beach. It seems three years ago we first learned what love was after we almost lost it all. Three years ago when we first made each other promises or even breathed a genuine I love you. It was three years ago, that I never once fathomed we would be here, in this very situation and that it would be with you. The truth is, if I knew now what I knew three years ago....I would do it all over again. Because you were my ride for my own gain.

I make mistakes. A lot of them.

I say things I don't mean or things I don't mean to do. I don't think about your feelings and I'm sorry. I hate this. The entire world is you.

You and our babies mean everything to me. I regret a lot of things but I never regret meeting you. I love you so much, Destiny. You are my life...

I hold the note close to my chest. I need to feel it just once more. To see if there is at least one last drop of love behind the blue inked note scribbled before me. Is it really him? Is he being genuine in the things he wrote? How to know it isn't yet another attempt on keeping me just because he is afraid to be alone...is it another toy for my emotions so he would get what he wanted? Memories of betrayal haunt my heart. They are the only things that I have to keep me from going back to him. As much as I want him to be the one to heal the damage he caused, it was unrealistic.

My mother used to beat into my head the consequences of staying on cloud 9; "Get your head out of the clouds girl and find a man who works hard." While she preached one of thousands of statements she believed would make her seven year relationship work with an alcoholic man she wanted to hoard money from, the physical truth was really: "find a man who will put up with all your crazy, who works hard to sacrifice all his money, and honey if you fight with him everyday you fight for love but if you stop fighting, you lose what could have been your last saving grace." Though my mother would be the last woman on Earth to admit the real truth of love, she still experienced it second hand. I watched...as a romance author you have to learn love and you have to observe to learn it right. So why the fact I fought everyday for love and still lost what was once my saving grace?

I understand why you are upset, but please forgive me.

I just got a stable job. I am trying to work on myself but it's hard. I'm broken. I was abused in my last relationship. I was slapped a lot and cried daily. I went to the hospital twice because I wanted to end it. You are my Destiny. You are my life. Just please, know I will change.

Through reminiscing tears, perhaps I believed you were telling the truth for once. Perhaps I would go back to you once more and this charade would last more than just a couple of days this time. Perhaps this would be the turning point since all else ultimately failed. Perhaps we could fix our relationship because we now understand the power of love. Wrong.

A relationship can only grow if both parties want it to. If both parties put in the necessary work. You refused to see a counselor for yourself and refused again for us. You refused to care and open up your heart to a good woman who was not Lisa. You refused to grow because you were too afraid to let a good girl in. You became too attached to the sins and control of a good girl, thinking it would never outrun you. But it did. Not only have I outrun you, Narcissist, I learned to fight my wits as well. I learned I am bigger and badder if I want to be. It took a lot out of me to see this truth. You never wanted this. You never wanted me. You never even wanted her. Perhaps a small sliver of you did; given the way you treated your mother and any woman you interacted with, if you never got what you wanted, you never wanted love at all.

I will do my best to quickly change and be happy again. I'm lost. I'm lost without you. Please read this and give me a hug. I love you so much. We need to talk about things. I love you so damn much...

This is where my emotions would run absolutely wild around in my mind. This is where I would break down and sob and text you, begging for you back - no matter if I moved on. But that was foolish. That was a time borrowed and it ended because you were a mere journey to what I really needed in my life. While I loved you, I ended up losing you and that helped me find myself. Now, I only lose sleep given how hard I am working on myself to be happy. For once, I can still take advantage of my lost belongings. For once I found happiness through heartbreak. For once, I did not succumb to my depression because it took 23 years in total - twenty of being raised by one, and now three of being in love with a narcissist to find sunshine in the rain. I ended up finding my strength most of all; I am no longer afraid. I felt nothing after finding this letter you wrote to me a year ago. I did not cry. I did not hold it close. I kept it for the sake of this story and afterwards it will be burned. Because our love is now ash.

For the three years of torment, the three years of heartache, the twenty three years of being afraid of the very soul that ate me alive, Goodbye narcissist.

You have done too much damage for me to even consider taking you back this time. You had a whole year to be a good man in me and my babies lives; you could have chosen to leave your abusive ex-drama in the past and start fresh but you didn't. You made promises, but you never showed any real effort. Everything was based on a good paycheck in order for you to "treat me right." When there was no money, you saw no value in just spending time with me. No late night meaningful conversations. No cuddles and kisses unless you were up for it. No support, love or anything was given to me when I needed you most. You allowed the worst of you get the best of you and had me chasing along. This is my final touch to our love; one last stroke to say goodbye; yet this will not be of pleasure but of a loss of your own. You never deserved me. Don't get me wrong though; If I could go back in time, I would do it all over again. Because you were my ride for my own gain. So thank you, Narcissist; Goodbye.