Black Friday

5:45 AM

The menacing gaze of the soccer mom is making me oddly uncomfortable. For the life of me, I cannot fathom how she can be upset with me. I mean, she cut me off and stole my parking spot. It isn't my fault that I laughed at her as she made a full sprint to the store entrance. Judging by her scowl, she didn't find it as funny as I did. Either way, she wins. She is first in line after all.

6:00 AM

"She must be special." The sweet old lady behind me stated.

"I'm sorry…" I responded

"Child, there are a lot of things I don't know, but what I do know is Black Friday. Look around. Do you see any other men in this line?" 

I smiled. "No ma'am and yes she is very, very special."

"What doorbuster special brings you to this madness?"

"They have three signed first editions of my girlfriend's favorite book," I answered.

"Let me guess. 'Long Past Dawn' by J. Tenny." She predicted.

"How very perceptive of you!" I responded.

Without provocation, I go into the whole boy meets girl story. Why not? Doors won't be opening for another hour, and the conversation would keep our minds off of the cold. I explained how I bumped into a beautiful girl in glasses while rushing out of a coffee shop for work. She dropped a tattered novel that must have been read over a hundred times over. Apologizing profusely, I picked up her book and glimpsed at the title. When she said thanks, I choked. I never had trouble talking to women before, but this time my mind went blank. So, I lied. I said, "I love this book!" She invited me to the J. Tenny book club at the coffee shop that evening. It was noticeable that I have not read a word from this author. I confessed, in front of the whole group, that I never read anything from J. Tenny, and I came because I found her attractive and wanted to get to know her more. Everybody laughed. Surprisingly, she found the misguided gesture as sweet and brave. She has read too many romance novels.

"One thing led to another, and here I am now. I am freezing my butt off just to for a chance to get this book. I plan on using it as a bribe."

"A bribe?" She asked

 "Yes. To soften the blow for when I ask her to marry me. I plan on asking tonight at the same book club meeting. Exactly, one year after our first," I smiled.

"I doubt the book will be needed, but I am sure that it will sweeten the pot." The old lady winked. 

The old lady said that 'Long Past Dawn' is her grand daughter's favorite book and that she is also part of some sort of associated J. Tenny fan club.

"Well, if I get there first, I will get extra for your granddaughter," I said.

"Neither of you will get a book because I am going to buy all three and resell them on eBay for a premium. Stay out of my way." The soccer mom threatened.

I ignored her comment and continued my conversation.

"Being a seasoned Black Friday veteran, do you have any tips?" I asked while subtly gesturing to the soccer mom in front of me.

"Child, martial law is enacted as soon as those doors open. The witching hour is upon us — everybody for themselves. The only important goal is the loved ones you are shopping for today. Everyone else here is just an obstacle. Unfortunately, you are too nice for Black Friday, and I will roll over you if I need to." She said, winking at me.

I don't know if she is joking or serious.

6:50 AM

I go through the carefully laid out gameplan in my mind. Unbeknownst to my competition, this is not my first rodeo. It is always smart to hold your cards close to your chest. I consider Black Friday to be MY favorite holiday. Always research your immediate competition. You can always find the seasoned pros in front of the line. The most tactical approach is to appear non-threatening to the aggressive. Lay the charm on thick for the others. Competition research is Phase 4 of my plan.

Phase 1 is Product Acquisition Research and Prioritizing. To set priorities, I need to know the sales. Historically, I do this by purchasing a newspaper upon delivery at the local gas station. Nowadays, I just go to BlackfridaySales.com for the latest. The prioritizing of intended acquisitions consists of a 3 step process. 

Step 1. The hot-pass. I circle the desired items upon first glance. It is essential to not think too hard during the hot-pass. Emotion and gut feeling should be driving the sharpie, not logic. It is like the force for hardcore shoppers.

Step 2 is Culling. Now logical thought comes in. Step 2 is the hardest due to practicality clashing with dreams. I ask two questions. First, 'do I need this or want it badly enough?' Second, 'Is it a good deal or just taking advantage of the less researched shopper?' 

Step 3 is the Ranking. The surviving circled items should be prioritized chronologically and separated by the store. Based on the outcomes, I formulate a gameplan. The plan dictates which store I should be at first and on which high-value items I should focus my attention on.

This Black Friday is unique, though. This year is the first time I skipped Phase 1. I already know the target and thus have avoided all sales ads. I do not need the distraction because I need to keep my eyes on the prize. I have been bugging the publisher for over three months, and they finally gave me the scoop of this deal with a warning that it is on Black Friday. They broke the news to me like there is a slim chance. Little do they know that Black Friday is my jam.

Phase 2 is Reconnaissance. Recon is critical. Most 24 hour stores start putting out their Black Friday stock before midnight. After display placement, they close until they reopen for sale. Sale displays litter the walkways throughout the store. I look for where the prized item is, and this will shed crucial minutes off of my acquisition time.

Phase 3 is preparation. Warm yet comfortable clothing is preferable. Nothing too baggy due to cart snagging. I consider path congestion from shopping cart traffic. Instead of using a cart for storage, wear a pullover hoody. Besides, an open cart is just ripe for the picking because vulture shoppers are the worst. Double-knotted tennis shoes are also necessary. Mobility is key.

As mentioned, Phase 4 is all about Competition Research. I know the motivation of the sweet old lady and the soccer mom. One is love, and the other is greed. Both are equally powerful driving forces. Luckily, they must have skipped Phase 3. Soccer mom is wearing heels — what a noob. The old sweet old lady's moo-moo is a snag magnet. Also, I am sure that her hip is newer than mine, but not necessarily something that bodes in her favor. She will probably use a shopping cart for stability. The odds are good.

7:00 AM

The doors remain closed. Either they are trying to give everyone anxiety, or they are just lazy. Most probably the latter. My muscles start to twitch in anticipation. An employee with a green work vest is thumbing through a large key ring. The soccer mom crouches like an Olympic sprinter and flips me the bird without even looking back to see my reaction. 

The doors begin to open. Black Friday has officially started. The soccer mom breaks out in a full sprint, shoving the cracked door aside, nearly knocking the employee to the floor. I take off behind her. Once the soccer mom clears the checkout lines, she hangs a right down the path. I smile. She skipped Phase 2. The book is close to electronics in the southwest corner. Just like the dry runs that I have already done in my mind hundreds of times, I cut through men's apparel. The quickest and most efficient route to electronics. 

Looking back at the front entrance, I notice the shoppers flooding through. It reminds me of a scene from a zombie movie. By the time I look forward again, it was too late. I crashed into a pile of empty boxes. This trash pile was not here last night. The coworkers must have thrown all of the excess boxes here.

"See ya' loser!" Yelled the once sweet grandma as she vaulted over a stack of boxes. She doffed her cheap housecoat revealing yoga pants that read "juicy" on the back. She used the coat as a misdirection device, and she is sprier than what she advertised outside. Oh, she's a pro alright.

After regaining my dignity, I get back up. Clearing the jungle of clothing carousals, the soccer mom blindsides me. We both crumpled to the ground.

"You did that on purpose!" She screamed.

Once again ignoring her, I jumped to my feet. The soccer mom grabbed my ankle and let out a blood-curdling scream. I wrenched my foot free and caught up with the old lady who was yelling at an employee.

"What do you mean they moved it? I saw you put the display here last night! If I knew that the book was in the produce section, I wouldn't have run back here!" She attacked the clueless worker. The employee is wearing a confused look. Without stopping, I blazed past the old lady.

 I get held up by a congregation of shopping carts, the soccer mom now hot on my heels. I grab an abandoned cart and pull it behind me to block her. Her heeled shoes not allowing her to stop in time. She trips over herself and falls.

Arriving in produce, I notice that there aren't any sales displays. At that moment, it dawned on me. I got tricked. 

"That conniving old hag," I muttered to myself.

She got all of the books and hid them. She then must have faked a conversation with the employee to throw us off of the trail. No wonder the worker was confused at what the old lady was accusing him.

Back in electronics, they were all sold out. First Black Friday that I went home empty-handed. At least I wasn't the only one. I noticed the defeated look on the soccer mom's face as she walked towards her car, holding her pumps tightly to her chest — one of the heels broken off.

6:30 PM

Deep in thought, I roll the ring in between my index finger and thumb. The dimly lit parking lot in front of the recently closed coffee shop provided excellent cover. I unleash the pent-up emotions of fear and disappointment. Better let it out before they reopen the shop for the book club meeting.

 "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" I banged my hands against the steering wheel. 

How could I fall for the oldest trick in the Black Friday book? How can she even say yes now? All I have is this ring. No pizzazz. I needed the edge to give my proposal that extra oompf. I bet that the rich guy she dated would have found a way to get the damn book.

Someone knocks on my car window. Startled, I frantically started rubbing my eyes with my sleeve. I force a fake smile and roll down the window.

"I was on my way home and...well...I justed wanted to apologize for my behavior this morning. Something comes over me every Black Friday. You know?" The soccer mom said. 

"I understand entirely. I am a completely different person on Black Friday, as well."

"Sorry, should I come back?" She continued after locking eyes with me.

"No, actually, it would be nice to talk to someone and get my mind off of the task at hand," I said.

"Ah, yes, going to pop the question?" She asked, remembering the overheard conversation from this morning.

"Yup. Unfortunately, that confidant person you met this morning is nothing like the real me." I confessed.

"Of course it is the real you. Besides, why should we only fight for what we want once a year? If it makes you feel any better, it is still Black Friday."

"Yes, your right! I still got one more doorbuster." I said, stepping out of the car.

6:50 PM

Here I am again. I am anxiously waiting for someone to open the door of a store again. A girl I recognize from the book club sees me and starts walking towards me, which is odd. Yes, we have spoken before, but only indirectly. You know, talking about the motivations of the main protagonist and what not. You know, book club talk. Always in a group setting. It is not like I participate much anyway.

"Hey, I have something for you." She says and hands me a wrapped present.

She must have bought presents for the group. Suddenly, I felt unprepared for this meeting again. I was so worried about getting the book that I didn't think about buying for anyone else. Was there a Secret Santa gift exchange that I forgot? I usually zone out during these meetings. 

"Thanks! You shouldn't have. Really." I said.

"No thanks necessary. It isn't from me." She said.

Well, now, I am curious. I unwrapped the present, and my whole body freezes. My eyes affixed on the signed 1st edition of the book that eluded me this morning.

"How did you..."

"Just read the card," she interrupted.

I opened the card and read it.

Child,

I was going to sell this extra copy on eBay like that lady was going to do, but figured that you needed it more. I hope you are better at proposing than shopping.

See you next year, loser!

Mable

"I promise that my grandmother is a sweet person. At least she is for the other 364 days of the year." She said.

Speechless, I smiled.

7:30 PM

Usually, I am in a daydream right now — not this time. My heart is beating out of my chest. I am waiting for my opening. Thirty minutes in, and many opportunities have come and gone. The girl currently speaking is in the middle of an endless monologue on how the book's romantic narrative grabs her because it 'parallels her past relationships.' I suppress a groan and eye roll. 

"I got something to add." I interrupted and stood up. I apologized to the girl under my breath.

"Look, I know that I haven't been the most verbally active member of this group. If it isn't even obvious, I haven't even read the whole book." Several group members nod in agreement.

"What can I say? I am not big on Chick Lit. To be honest, I am not into Lit. period." Several chuckled.

"But, I am into you." I pointed in my girlfriend's direction.

"So I got you this." I handed the book to her. Everyone in the room gawked.

"I wish that I found something in this book that I paralleled with, but I haven't. Do you know how I like to read the last chapter first?" The crowd gasps in shock.

"I mean, who wants to waste their time on something that you hate. Right? I know that means that I have commitment issues. No matter the ending. You are a page-turner, and I can't stop reading. I might not be rich or famous, but I am your biggest fan, and I promise to fight for you every day. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Let's write the story of us." I got down on one knee and presented the ring. 

She stood up, unable to hold back tears, and said, "yes!" We embraced. The room broke out in applause. 

Then she dropped the book.