The Forever Day

'I give her by the end of the week to survive' said the doctor, as he escorted my family and I to the elevator to leave the hospital. How could this be explained, how can we come to terms with this. No one should have to face this kind of pain. Death is easier handled when you don't have to prepare for it. How do you prepare yourself to lay your family member to rest. What do you tell her children at this young age? Do you keep it from them or do you try to explain that their mother wouldn't be alive to see them grow into beautiful young ladies because the doctor gave her by the end of the week. Does this part of life come with instructions? Our journey home was the longest, you could hear the smallest pin drop in the silence. My head was flooded with thoughts I could only imagine what the rest of the family was thinking ,the situation had us mute for the very first time, no one could comfort the other as no words could possibly heal this pain.

I got home and prepared myself for bed. It had been two hours since I spoke words and nothing seemed to make the situation better, after my cold bath I folded up in my sheets and just stared into the abyss trying to find reasons as to why our storyline was written like this, luckily my boyfriend called to ask about my day thinking I would say "great" as usual he was more shock to hear the news as if it was his relative that had to be laid to rest. Once again the news made another soul speechless. He scrambled for words to make me feel better but I was already on a road to depression. The night grew older and I couldn't seem to shake this feeling. I got on my knees and I prayed. I prayed that the lord would take this burden away from her, I begged the lord to add years to her youthful life,I rebuked the doctors words he can't give her by the end of the week I rebuke that.

5:00 a.m screams filled my room. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO!

My mother ran into my room with souless eyes and said "She gone she really gone!" It was all my fault I told the lord the doctor was wrong she doesn't have by the end of this weeks didn't expect for him to take her away the next day, how could I be so stupid I killed my cousin. My mother hugged me so tight I could hardly breathe, I tired to cry but I couldn't. Lost for words and tears I got dressed to go to the hospital to see my cousin one last time, to tell her goodbye and to apologise for what I did.

"We are so sorry for your lost" said the doctors and nurses. I was the most sorry but I couldn't say anything. We entered the room where she was already wrapped up, eyes closed ,motionless and silent. Nothing like her normal self ,she was really gone never to return. All of our past memories flooded my mind, who was going to play cards with me, who was I going to argue with, go parties with? I couldn't take it. I wished she really had by the end of the week but I couldn't take it back it was already said and done.

As other family members came to see her dead body I was shocked as to why they didn't come to see her alive.Did they rather visit somebody who now can't appreciate their presence? She would have loved the support when she was alive. My sadness turned to anger very quickly but my heart was in shambles, I couldn't let them get to me. The bigger picture was very clear, everyone was feeling hurt and wanted to show their condolences ,I couldn't hold back my tears the feeling was more than I could ever imagine.

9:00 am I still had to attend work as there was nobody else to work for me. My boss was sure to show sympathy and every other employee was informed of the matter and was very cautious of what they said to me.I couldn't even pretend to be okay, my eyes was constantly filled with water and my customers easily sensed a change in my personality and was instantly worried. No-one really knows how to comfort a person that just lost someone, I wasn't even aware as this was my first experience.I received comfort food from my very close customers but food and snacks was the last thing on my mind. My ringtone was like a permanent nightmare as every possible call was to remind me of this trauma and to apologise for the passing.Why was all these people sorry for me the person they had to be sorry for was probably on ice at this point ,I was very confused to the way people went about trying to comfort my soul . Not one person tried to take my mind off of the situation not even my family members was able to execute it. I was overwhelmed by the messages and calls I had to take break from it all.

12:00 pm I left work to go home only to meet more family members and the boyfriend of my cousin with their children seated and ready to give them this horrible news.How they gained the strength to relate this to them still baffles me. The explanation they gave was somewhat movie like, but even the calming words that their mommy was now playing with the angels couldn't take away from reality .As I watched her 4 year old break down into tears it broke my heart even more, my head was going to burst into flames. The entire living room in sorrow, we was bonding with tears but still couldn't find a comforter. I couldn't even eat, my stomach was in knots and not even water could pass the lump in my throat. I ask the lord for strength to go about my day but it didn't appear to work, I guess I was suffering for what I did to her and everyone else.

2:00 pm I got back to work late but I was pardoned. Not that I was taking advantage of the situation but I was absolutely lost and my head was ponding at this point.This had to be the worst day of my life.

My day passed with lingering thoughts and the saddest of emotions.After today, how am I to live without my other half. It was really a mystery to me.What could have taken a week had to be done in day and this was all on me. Another sleepless night, this time knowing how the next few days will be. I don't imagine the rest of days being as long as the day you left this day will live on forever.