Nowhere Left to Run

‘Toby! Are you coming or not?!’

Toby flinched as his friend’s voice burst through the earphones he was wearing, interrupting his favorite song he was listening to. ‘Lisa, I told you, I don’t want to go!’

‘What do you mean you’re not going? It’s Tom’s birthday, and he’s your friend! Imagine how disappointed he would be if you refused to come! Tomorrow’s his 15th birthday, and if-’

‘He’d have to be disappointed, then,’ he snapped, and disconnected the phone call before Lisa could argue any further.

With a small sigh, Toby turned back to his computer, where he continued typing out his essay. Of all people, she would understand how he felt about parties. She never once complained about him not being present at her birthday parties, or Tom’s, or anyone else’s for that matter. Why was she so agitated about it?

The phone rang again, and this time Toby didn’t bother picking it up. Why was Lisa so persistent all of a sudden? She had been his friend since they first met, and she knew there was no changing his mind after he had made it up.

She knew there was no way he was going to another party. Not after what had happened the last time he went to one. Not after the events that had caused his best friend to revoke their friendship…

He realized his mistake too late. He tried to clear his head of the memory, to stop the flashback from happening. But the memories were coming back in a whirl of color, and there was nothing he could do to stop it…

‘Hi, James! How’s the party going? Sorry I’m late...’

‘Oh my goodness, Toby, you actually came! I didn’t expect you to! Come inside, come inside…’

Toby watched his six-year-old self bounce up and down with excitement as he followed James, his best friend, into his house. There was a banner hanging from the ceiling that said ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES’ and there were a dozen kids, all six or seven, playing various party games together. They were all in a game of musical chairs when the younger Toby came into the living room, music was playing and everyone seemed to be having a great time. Lisa waved at him as he sat down on a spare chair, and James told him, ‘You’ll have to wait for a while, we’re nearly done with this round…’

The game ended and Lisa was the winner. Grinning, she passed the prize - a rather small wrapped present - over to her mother for safekeeping, then turned to Toby, having to shout over the excited chatter, ‘I’m so glad you could come! James told me you might not be coming!’ Toby grinned back and yelled, ‘Dad agreed to let me come at the last minute!’

They played a few classic party games like Pin the Tail on the Donkey, passing the parcel and a few more games of musical chairs. Toby in the memory won a parcel and jumped up and down excitedly, laughing with delight. Looking at his past self, Toby felt nostalgia for the excitement only parties could bring, and he almost considered telling Tom that he’d go after all. Alas, every flashback had the same memory etched into it, and as much as he wished he could change it, he braced himself for what he knew was coming.

Just as Toby, James and a few others were nearing the end of another game of musical chairs, the accident happened. One of his shoelaces came lose, and somehow tied itself around the loop on his other shoe. Toby saw himself trip over, crash into James and the two of them toppled into the circle of chairs. 

Toby was unhurt and stood up slowly, but James was holding his arm, which was bent at a strange angle, and sobbing uncontrollably. As Toby apologized over and over again, crying with fear that he had hurt his friend, his vision darkened, and he once again found himself in front of his computer, covered in a fine sweat and shaking all over. 

These flashbacks hadn’t happened to him in over a year. Heck, the last one was three years ago, and last time it had barely lasted thirty seconds. This one had lasted - he checked his watch - a full five minutes. Why would they come back now, of all times?

Even if the flashback didn’t show him everything, the memories felt like they had been branded into his skull with a red-hot iron, a permanent part of him. James had broken his arm and had to go to the hospital. Although he made a full recovery in a couple of weeks, he never forgave Toby for crashing his party. Toby, who insisted it was an accident, was completely ignored nonetheless, and they parted with a grudge 5 years later. The image of James shouting at him at the school entrance, accusing him of things he never did, still haunted him to this day.

Toby cursed himself for attempting to argue about what he had done wrong. He shouldn’t have tried to get James to see sense. He shouldn’t have argued with him and permanently severed their friendship. He shouldn’t have…

He stopped and thought hard. Why, exactly, was he so averse to attending another party? Was he not trusting himself with attending another party after the unfortunate events 9 years ago, or was he actually afraid of the past and the bad memories another party might bring?

Or was it something completely different?

James had not kept in touch with him after leaving primary school, and he had no idea whether he had forgiven him or not. Maybe he had forgiven him, but he would never know. Lisa told him that James had moved to Australia two years ago, and she had never heard from him since.

He had been running from the past for years, telling himself that he would face the memory someday, that he would deal with the tormenting memory of James glaring at him outside the school entrance. But he never did.

Was now the time?