This time would be different

This time things would be different.

I repeated the words to myself over and over again as I stood in front of the tall, intimidating building that would be the start of my new beginning.

This time, there would be no bullies who would laugh at me for the colour of my ginger hair, for something I could not control. There would be no teachers who would look at me with the same sneer, their arms crossed and a look of disappointment in their eyes. They would be replaced with kinder, more sincere tutors instead. There would be no cliques or groups of students that I did not belong to, no fake loyalty and whispers behind closed doors.

My nerves thrummed with energetic nervousness and excited anticipation. I hadn't studied at a proper school for so long, I wondered if I would remember how to. Was it possible to forget how to learn?

Everyone had said it was a brave choice, to return to college after three years. To give myself another chance at the future I always dreamed of. But things had been....difficult over the years. It had taken me a long time to forgive myself after what happened, after the loss of my best friend, my only real friend, did I really deserve a second chance?

Yes, I decided. Everyone does, no matter how much time it takes everyone always deserves a second chance.

So, this time, there would be no fear or doubt, I would allow no more room for it. There would only be my determination, to grow, to move on, to continue to forgive myself. And I would remember who I was doing this for. Not only myself, but for him as well.

I made my first step. Then my second. Then my third. Every movement felt mechanical, as if there was still some reluctant part of me that was afraid and unwilling. As if there were a tug of war currently going on inside my mind and neither side wanted to lose. How many times would I have to fight this battle before my doubt finally surrendered?

My resolve strengthened, the anxiety with its fist around my stomach loosened and my movements became easier. I knew I had not won, not yet at least but I would. Because these years of healing had been about more than just forgiveness, they had been about belief as well. Belief in myself, in my choices and in my future.

Finally, I reached the steps of the building that would lead me on to my next path, my next adventure. The bright azure and plum coloured flags, the colours of the college, flew happily in the autumn breeze, the chilled air nipping at my nose and stinging my eyes. It carried the smell of the sea and the promise of new memories along with it, dancing through my loose strands of hair.

Students of every ethnicity and nationality milled around me, each of them confident in their own way with their own stories to tell and dreams they wished to pursue. I felt more sure of myself as I saw that not a single one of them was the same. The ginger hair I had been laughed at for would now be what made me stand out in a good way. In a way I could be proud of.

"Are you lost?" A voice sounded from beside me, smooth and rich. I turned to face a girl with hair the colour of the darkest night neatly tied into a thousand braids , some with gold rings around them. She had kind eyes the colour of honey, warm and trusting, her skin dark mahogany. She smiled at me and I felt the ice in my heart melt.

No, I wanted to say, I'm not lost anymore.

But that would have been a strange thing to say. Instead, I told her the room number of my new class and she grinned saying she was heading there too. Side-by-side we walked through the entry doors and I felt my jaw drop. If outside had been busy, this was pandemonium.

This was the first day of a new year and it seemed everyone was in a hurry to get to classes on time. I had almost forgotten the way the halls at my old school had filled up when the bell rang, how everyone had stumbled around like newborn giraffes trying to move.

Another wave of worry and doubt slowly crept into my thoughts as I realised how much younger they were compared to me. Someone my age should already be in University not only just starting college again. I pushed the feelings aside letting my excitement take over once again and wash away the negative emotions. I could do this, I knew I could.

Despite the constant reminders that I was too old for this, that perhaps it was too late for me to start again, it felt oddly...right, to be here. I was on my way to becoming the person I always wanted to be, the person who used to always seem so out of reach and yet was getting closer now. I knew there would still be hard times ahead, times where I would doubt myself and question my abilities, but that was all part of being human wasn't it? Surely no one had ever gone their whole lives without making a single mistake I simply refused to believe it.

This class would help me learn how to help other people, how to get them through the same situations I went through and how to find themselves again.

After my new friend and I had officially signed in, we made our way through the labyrinthine corridors and up two flights of stairs before finally reaching the right room. Much to my surprise, we actually made it on time.

Some other students were already in their seats with their pencil cases on their tables and blank notepads open and ready to be filled with notes. These were the people I would be spending two days a week with for the next year. I wondered if they were friendly or if they would tell me to go away if I got too close. Would they think I was weird by introducing myself? Were they just as nervous as I was? Did they have any doubtful thoughts at all?

I took my seat next to my new friend and she smiled at me once again, her eyes full with eagerness as if she were already prepared for the challenges this year would bring. We had talked on the way up about why we wanted to do this course, she wanted to understand criminal minds, I wanted to help teenagers with their mental health, maybe the two would end up working in tandem one day.

A middle-aged man came into the room with salt and pepper hair, large glasses and a waist coat, our new tutor. He introduced himself as Mr Carlisle and I liked him already. He had a kind smile and light blue eyes, not sharp like most other teachers but I suppose any students he had liked him as soon as he walked into the room just as I did. Not many teachers could earn the respect of their students that quickly, but this one could.

"Welcome to Access to Higher Education Psychology," he said. The words settled in me heavy like a stone but some sort of weight I had been carrying around for a very long time shifted from my shoulders and I felt lighter than I had in years as the lesson began and so did a new chapter in my life.