One

Yes, I took the diamond from the museum. Yes, it was me, I took it. No, I am not going to tell you where it is, just know that I know. Why did I take it? You don’t even answer, the question is so stupid. You have so many other things you would rather be doing. Are we done here, you ask, can I go home now? Ha, you chuckle to yourself, thinking that if you don’t make yourself smile these days, no one else is going to. You love being so honest with people, so boldly, that they kind of hate you for it.

You knew what was up when you came home and saw the grey Buick across the street. Every day it became more rare so see such big cars, such mammoth pieces of steel that it stood out like a sore thumb. The government, come to say hello. Godamnit, you first thought, then lovingly corrected yourself, no, you told yourself, that is not how love speaks to love, is it? Not ‘Godamnit’, rather God allowed me to will this. There, you say to yourself, better. No victim, just the law of cause and effect. And now, the earthly law. Your father was a lawyer so you felt you had already done your time in the tomb of intellectualism. You didn’t have a lot of patience when it came to the law. It worked well until you forgot.

***

You had gotten that diamond in your possession and you got a little fucked up and you forgot. You started thinking about the past, and before you knew it, you were back in familiar brain territory, part feeling sorry for yourself, part complete loss of touch with reality. You fit right in with modern society in the lack of reality but the self pity is what did you in. You let negativity win and got caught. You brought them to your house. You forgot, you don’t believe in external causation.

It was a hard pill to swallow, that nothing in your adult life was ever not your fault. Oh well, you thought, it was fun while it lasted. Think, you told yourself, visualize yourself getting out of this. So that’s what you did, you didn’t break, you thought about walking away, free and clear, with the diamond. You saw it clear as day when they cuffed you, you felt it true in your bones when you were being booked and you were so convinced by the time you lay down to sleep that night that you knew you were going to be fine.

***

Your mother used to tell you that if you didn’t see the world through rose-colored glasses, you just wouldn’t be yourself. No one saw the best in people like you did, no one stay attuned to the most fantastic outcome like you did. You went to church a lot as a kid so you think that’s where you developed the ability to see past your five senses to what was really going on. You pandered not to clowns.

Your mother also used to tell you that ketchup and noodles was enough nutrition to last a growing girl for days, especially if she had some Cap’t Crunch to go with it. She just didn’t have the money for more so she let you see how to sell an idea, and what to do if the buyer isn’t buying it. She made it seem like tomatoes, which were enzymes, would suffice so you were rarely sick because you believed her enough. There was never money for anything fun, anything beautiful.

***

You deserved that diamond, that was what you were trying to convince yourself, that you were of us much value as a huge diamond. Money meant life so a diamond is a part of life as am I, you thought, so we are one anyway, we always were one, that there was never a time the diamond and I were separate. That thought took root in your subconscious and made you believe even more in your inherent worth.

Ever since you decided you were going to take the diamond from the museum, you felt more relaxed, more at home in your own body. You breathed deeper and some yoga poses felt different to you, more meaningful. You thought about that diamond and those noodles your mother called dinner and knew you were worth it. You were as rare and precious as anything on the Earth, a new thought for someone who recognized herself more in limit than excess, in lack than profusion.

You tended your new thought while the details of the acquiring of the diamond came together in your mind. You kept your new way of thinking foremost, believing that a deep sense of oneness would see you through. It was a big job and your first solo in a long time. Your ex-partner would have found a way to tear you down, tell you how incapable you were for the job. How can I not be enough for a job I came up with in the first place, like, it’s my job, you ruminated, irritated. It was nice to be on your own.

The whole job went off without a hitch, everything according to plan. You knew you could do it and you did. You then sat at home, staring at the diamond, relishing the fact that you were right, that believing in yourself is all you needed to live the life you wanted. The money from the diamond would fund all your dreams, you told yourself, you did it!! You would succeed in being who you always wanted to be. The rainbow of colors in your living room were enough to snap you out of any thought that you were not enough. You were plenty. Look at what you had done, you magnificent creature!!

***

Now, these ridiculous people want it back. Too bad, you thought, it’s mine, I already claimed it, I already became one with it, we are not separate, the diamond and I- you cannot have me!! You feel no sadness for anyone else who thought they belonged with the diamond, no compassion for the bereft, former owner. It’s mine and you can’t have it, was your sole thought.

The judge said he had never seen such a lack of remorse from a thief in his life. You weren’t listening, though, you were thinking about why in the world you would feel bad about being with yourself? You and the diamond were united in consciousness, your word becoming real as the diamond was lost to all but you. The next time you stood in front of a judge, you told him you were sorry, that you shouldn’t have stolen the diamond. He agreed to a ridiculously light sentence and a pledge to return the diamond. People promise anything with a foot on their neck.