Needed You.

He, understandably, doesn’t look like a gentle person. He got physique like the athlete he is—the rising star of the volleyball team—he looks like he can punch a man bloody without breaking any sweat. Tall and domineering, with a certain aura that screams powerful surrounding him. He never really seems to understand how intimidating he is and he never find any reason to communicate—he doesn’t really like those meaningless banters. He never finds the need to be with someone, despite countless courtship from both men and women. 

He doesn’t really like the thought of being vulnerable and he had learnt earlier about how nothing lasts forever—and he doesn’t even want to try and get his heart broken. 

 But for her, he tries. 

To her, there isn’t this 10 feet tall of impenetrable wall—but an open door to his heart. 

It was painfully obvious, the way he started to walk slower whenever she is present, the way he started to try to include himself in those meaningless conversation about how the weather is changing—about how expensive the curry the canteen sells, about anything, really. Nobody really understands why, and he himself could never explain his behavior nowadays. All he knows is that she is comfortable to be with, that she makes a good company. To say he is confused is an understatement, Kai was never good with emotion. Maybe it is the way he is raised—in a traditional household where he is told countless times that men should never show any emotion—that it is wrong for men to cry and show their weaknesses. He never needed anyone; he is not that desperate. And he tells himself daily, that he doesn’t need her too. 

He is not in love; he just finds her endearing. She is just so funny that he wants to smile whenever she is near, she is just so kind and considerate that it makes him feel slightly bad about his attitude. And he, for sure doesn’t need her. 

But then he realizes that he kept saying that he doesn’t need her a little too often—and he realized that he thinks about her a little too much.

*

*

She hated herself so much—that whenever someone asked about her dislikes, the first things she can think of is how her eyes isn’t a pretty color that everyone like, or how she is not as tall as other girls, or how her fingers aren’t as dainty—how her belly not as flat—her hair not as straight, and the list goes on and on. But nobody knows—she always looks like she is enjoying her life. She convinced herself that she is an awful person that is unlovable, that she needed to fix someone to make herself feel like she is needed. She feels so lost but she always tells herself that she is fine. She wishes that more bad things happen to her so she can feel worthy. She knows that she doesn’t deserve to feel like she need a good person that can make her feel more content—or happier. And it’s so sad that she is created as someone who feels too aggressively, because this hatred she has towards herself is silently killing her. 

It’s a constant feeling of denial, one thinking that showing a part of himself to someone is a taboo, while the other thinks that she doesn’t deserve to feel like she needed a genuine person like him.  

“You don’t have to hurt, Anna.” He would say, and yet—she lets herself be hurt by people that doesn’t deserve her. It almost makes him feel like he does deserve her, at least more than anyone she had sacrificed herself for. 

“You put everyone else before yourself—” He would say, tracing her face a little too affectionately for a friend, 

“So, I have to put you before everyone else.” He finished, like he meant it—and he does. And that scares him a little too much. He does things that he doesn’t need to, yet he convinces himself that he doesn’t need her to feel happy. He secretly wants her to need him—yet he scolded himself whenever he showed a part of himself. 

He is a nice person that deserves someone more than her, she had thought— and it’s like that thought is engraved on her very being. She does not let herself think that she is capable of being loved. But he doesn’t know that, nobody does. 

“What are you thinking about?” She would ask, 

“You, Anna,” He started, seemingly surprised of his immediate answer, 

“There’s never a time I don’t think about you.” He would continue to say—like it’s normal. 

She always makes him feel human. And he doesn’t mind feeling less like—this emotionless shell everyone paints him to be. 

“Good restaurants are pretty expensive so you shouldn’t really eat there,” She advised absentmindedly once, 

“I know how to save money, so you don’t have to worry.” He had said, reassuring her.  And while these conversations would make everyone think that they’re more than what they are now, they have always been—and always will be friends.

“Kai,” She would say, and his heart will flutter. And he would, without fail, feel happy—content. 

She would talk and he would listen, silently, lacking any response—but she would know by the way he nodded a little, or the way his eyes twitched a little whenever she mentions something upsetting. She is a girl that shows so much emotion and he is someone that doesn’t show enough. 

But for once, he wanted to show that he could be genuine. He wanted to kiss her, love her, or something like that. And it scares him that he feels like he’s willing to do anything to make her feel happy. But whatever he’s feeling isn’t enough for him to face the truth, to be honest. 

It is an irony that they weren’t together—they had seemed so in love. Yet both are too scared of what might come. Both too stubborn to succumb to their feelings. 

“I need you—I have always do, so please,” She sobbed, and she felt his warmth as he hugged her, 

“I am right here, Anna.” And she will calm down, 

“Now,” He leaned into her ear, and her breath hitched, 

“I need you to wake up, darling.” And she woke up. Greeted by the same cold bed that witnesses her silents sobs every night.

A sad smile ghosted her lips, 

“At least I got to tell you that I have always needed you.”