Once More With Feeling

I exited the plane with a smile a large breath of fresh air. Looking around I took notice of the blue skies, the palm trees, and the singing, colorful birds chirping on their branches.

I had needed this vacation more than I ever would admit to myself, and after months of talking myself in and out of actually taking it, here I am. 

I had never contemplated taking a vacation on my own, having always someone to enjoy the free time with. I put those thoughts away, breathed in another big breath of island air and walked on. 

I booked a two week vacation on a remote island to try and get away from my past for a while. To forget, or try to, everything that has been repeating in my nightmares.

The loss I felt was becoming too much to bear and the time away was needed. I didn't know what coming on this vacation would accomplish, but I hoped that something good would come of it.

I made it to the place where I checked into my bungalow suit with a half smile; as I was trying to keep my spirits up amongst the beauty of the island I now found myself on.

The woman behind the desk smiled uncertainly as she checked my information. Her accent was thick with a slight French twist. "Mr. Mortigan, there seems to be a bit of a mix-up here."

What I smile I had faded. "What do you mean? What kind of mix-up?"

She kept her smile plastered to her face as if she took extensive classes in training on how to do just that. "Well, sir, it looks like we're over booked and a few rooms we had to double up. Yours being one of our most spacious rooms, we had no choice but to split the room with another guest. As compensation for this inconvenience, I have been informed to have you only pay half price. We do apologize for any inconveniences."

I sighed heavily. The woman's smile, Maria, her name tag read, faulted slightly. I knew there was no use in saying anything about it. It wasn't her fault this happened and I didn't need to shoot the messenger. "Do you know if this person has checked in yet?"

She looked with quick movements of her fingers against the keyboard. "About twenty minutes ago." She handed me the key to the room. "This is your key."

I thanked her, took my key and began making my way to my now shared bungalow. 

I paused just outside the door and heaved another sigh before slowly turning the key and stepping inside.

The suit was quiet, though I saw evidence of my unexpected roommate's existence. As I looked around I saw that for the moment, I was alone. Setting my bags in the empty bed, I pulled out some fresh clothes and headed for the shower, thankful that I didn't have to share a bathroom with this person. Whoever they might be.

Once dressed I flopped down onto the foot of the bed. The springs bounced me slightly, the silence of the suit overwhelming. Turning my head I looked out the window. The view was absolutely stunning in it's beauty and while I could, as an outside observer realize this, the colors looking from my own jaded eyes seemed...less. Less vibrant. Less majestic. Less alluring. Just...less.

It was within these thoughts that sound broke through, registering to me that someone else was entering my now shared space. I sighed again not looking away from the window.

The door closed behind them as they came fully into the space. I heard a sharp intake of breath and silence. As I became aware that the person was staring at me, I slowly turned my head.

"Robbie?" Choked, my words were barley loud enough for him to hear. The shock on my face was apparent, as was his.

"Max..." His voice was strained.

We each were transfixed as we stared at each other. Neither knowing what to say, or do...even if we should move from our now cemented spots. I hadn't seen Robbie in six years. He was my first real love. And my first real heartbreak.

"What are you doing here?" he asked me. His tone still strained while holding notes of an aching that hasn't healed since we parted all those years ago.

I looked out the window again before answering quietly, "I...needed to get away. To forget."

He looked as if he were about to ask what I wanted to forget, and had he asked right then I wouldn't have said. It was still too raw.

"I've thought a lot about you over the years. I hoped you were okay. Have you been okay?"

I looked at him then. I don't know what exactly he saw in my expression, but his eyes lowered as if it pained him to look me in the eye. "I guess that depends on your idea of 'okay'."

The truth was for the first year after we separated, I was far from okay. Until I met Brendan. Then even he was torn from me. I didn't want to think about Brendan. My eyes began to sting as his face swam across my vision. Robbie noticed.

"I'm sorry, Max."

I chuckled derisively. "Not everything is about you, Robbie."

He sighed lightly and took a tentative step forward. "I'm not assuming it is. I'm just sorry at whatever or whoever put that look on your face. The pain I caused you was long ago...but...I..." He stopped and looked down, unsure on if he should continue.

"You what?" I asked, unsure if I really wanted to know.

"I am sorry about back then. Leaving you was...the biggest mistake of my life and I've spent the last six years hating myself. But too much of a coward to try and find you. I didn't think you would hear me out if I did."

"I likely wouldn't have." There was no maliciousness in my voice. Just sad, simple truth.

"I've missed you, Max." I turned my head away avoiding looking at his face. I didn't want to think about how that day six years ago, nor how seeing him now was ripping me apart. "I didn't want to miss you. I...tried for a long time to...forget. Forget everything. But...you were always there. Every time I closed my eyes."

I stood and walked to the window, my back to him. Why was he telling me this? I crossed my arms against his words as if by sheer will my arms would block his words from my heart. I thought about Brendan. I thought about Robbie. I didn't want to think of either one of them. 

I watched Robbie's reflection in the mirror as he took a few steps closer and stopped. "I..." He seemed to think better of what he was about to say. He looked at my reflection looking at his, our eyes meeting through the glass. He sighed and shook his head walking over to stand next to me. He was so close I could smell his cologne. It was the same kind of cologne that I always thought him. "You hate me, don't you?"

There was a certain sadness in his voice that made me look at him directly. "No."

"No?" He sounded surprised.

"No. Not anymore. I did at one point. I did when you left me. But, no."

"That's good to hear. 'Cause I've gotta admit, I've hated myself for a long time."

"Robbie, why are you telling me this? What we had was a long time ago." My voice shook as I spoke, my tone low and melancholy.

"Because... because I've always wanted to tell you. And...and I never thought that I would get the chance to. And..." he laughed at himself, "I always promised myself that if I got the chance I would come clean with you. If you would hear me. And now, by some twist of fate here we are...sharing a room by utter coincidence...I thought maybe this could be my chance. If you would hear me? And that maybe we could get to know each other again." He ran his finger down my cheek as he did so many times before. "I never stopped loving you, Max."

I shook my head slowly trying to dispell his words and the feeling of his touch. A touch I had missed with all my being. A touch matched by no other. A fact that I knew Brendan had known. A fact that I believed at the time was the reason Brendan left me in the worst way. "I can't do this again, Robbie."

He looked crestfallen at my words, but what I meant is not what it sounded like. "I'm not necessarily asking for anything, Max. I never expected you to forgive how I ended things with us." He sighed lightly. "Will you allow me to buy to dinner? As...as friends. We can maybe get to know each other again."

"I met someone." Robbie frowned. "About two years after you left."

"Why are you here alone then?"

Tears sprang to my eyes as images swam across my mind. I looked away from the window to meet Robbie's gaze. "He..." The words got caught in my throat.

"He left," Robbie supplied for me.

"He left. I found him. He...he knew that he wouldn't ever live up to what we had. He knew he would always be second to you. And he left me in a way that he knew I'd never forget him. His blood is on my hands." I looked at my hands which were palms up, facing me. Clean now to everyone but me.

"Max..." 

"That's why I came here. After a year of...of seeing him...of finding him bled out in our living room...of nightmares...my friend convinced me to come here while she sold the house." He looked like he wanted to tell me it wasn't my fault, to argue, but he said nothing. "I never stopped loving you, either. And I've missed you more than I can ever express. But I'm so broken now, Robbie."

He palmed my cheek, swiping at the trail of tears before leaning forward and placing a gentle kiss against lips coated in saltwater. It wasn't a romantic kiss, but I felt longing in his touch. "We've both been through a lot. Let's go get dinner. We're here in paradise...let's try and enjoy it." I nodded my consent. "Can I ask for one thing first?" I looked at him giving silent consent. "Can I have a hug, Max?"

I threw myself into his arms, clinging tightly to someone and something I never thought I'd have again. And as I look back on it, so did he. One or maybe both of us was shaking. And in that moment I felt those old wounds begin to mend.