Destructing Anger

Every story has a cause, every cause has hope, and every hope comes with another story; in this world, everything is beautifully connected like every single star of a constellation. I too had a love story that came with some other story that inspired from Hollywood—it was beautiful beyond my every explanation, but it was like Mozart was playing his masterpiece in heaven.

  My mother was a lady lonely as hell—she was divorced three times, the first one was her longest, it went for around three years when I was born, and another two unable to withstand even for a year, afterward she stopped dreaming for a settled life, and indulged herself in the devotion of motherhood. I worship the divinity in her, she barely ever refused to my any demands—she fulfilled it, anyway. I am the luckiest in the entire universe since I found her as a mother.

I fell in love with a Canadian guy, neither extremely handsome nor ugly, though. He was just a perfect man; I desired to have. He has grace like the Sun, curly hairs like my entangled life—pleaded for a pleasurable love, but afraid of separation and heart breakage. Eyes were gloomy and had hazelnutty shredded hair. His personality was like an utterance over the still water, so complicated, yet satisfying to see it.

He happened to me in my first year of graduation. I was too prone to the changes, and after being landed in the college from school was unnerving to me. I found myself lonely like all my sagacity had nabbed from my way, and left with the fear, loneliness, and grief. Later, I met him, and he met me like the shore to a drowning man. Unlike me, he was amiable and exuberant. He held my hand first time near the college lake, over the wafting winds were singing in the background, and he promised to never abandon it. His unheralded entry in my life was the same as unwelcomed rain in winter. So calm to see, but post it, the consequences are filthy.

Soon, we fell in love like any other teenager. Our love story too was like any stereotypical love story. He found his happiness within me, and so I in him; we went on a date, movies, dinner. We spent the evening at the shore, with our hands twisted in others - where the waves come to us, ask our story, and returned to tell the entire world.

Slowly, we build an unbreakable trust. Marriage was our next step, after spending an entire year in love.

  He had no family, afterward, we were his only family; he made wonderful connections with my mom and my kitty. He cared for everybody like we have any blood relation.

Love is a natural toxic; it is inevitable. Everything looks fine in love. Love makes us deaf and blind, so what if God comes to us for clarification? I was possessive as hell for him, none could dare to flirt when I was around him - I always ready to bite.

All were set: my beautiful wedding gown had wrapped me perfectly. I was looking in shape, kudos to my designer, my beautiful veil had covered my face, and coming till my belly. And each minute was passing like years. In excitement, everything appeared to be stopped. The white flowers in the bokeh resembling my peaceful life would be (white—color of serenity and peace). The Bride was on time, but her mother was still invisible; she didn’t appear excited to see her daughter as a bride. I went to her room; she wasn’t there. I expected her to be in the backyard; she usually celebrates her happiness alone with her whiskey on the swing under her old, secluded sunshade. One thing was best about her, she never regretted her loneliness, lest she lived it with joy and glory. I never interrupted her private celebration moment. But today, I could interrupt her enigmatic privacy, because it was my day, after all.

I rushed towards the backyard, and I back in a shock with a broken heart with breakneck speed; whatever I saw, I hope it could be a dream, unluckily, it wasn’t. Suddenly, the veil now felt like a noose in my neck, and the gown was itchy. All happiness went to the abyss, the hope of life fled away, and Darth became the new tyranny of my life.

I threw away the gown, over my bed, bokeh in the dustbin, and the beautiful veil kept it with me—it would help me hang myself, I thought. I put on my comfortable pair of trousers and ran away far from mom, with a promise of never returning.

                                 ***

Lately, after two years eventually, when my anger made some space for positivity - I realized her sacrifices for my life, I thought mine would be comparatively very less. 

God said, who gets lost in the morning cannot be called to be a loser if he finds his way home by evening. But all apart, I was a loser for sure. I realized something extremely and extremely late. My mom had said goodbye to the world. Finally, I regretted, if I would kill myself—I haven’t to see this dread. I screamed lecherously, as loud could be heard till the seabed, as somebody stabbed me my heart was aching with the same intensity. My hanging white wedding gown in my room turned pale; it lost its shine, but not pride—he was smirking at me since I abandoned him with disrespect. 

My cluttered room looked the same. I could feel the same scent around. My love, Felix was sulking in the corner. He wasn’t reflecting his glory on me. He killed off his heart. He had looked not in the mood of accepting my apology.

“Why you came here?” finally he broke, his distraught face turned aside. “I don’t think we need you anymore. She starved for your single look. We assumed you died, lemme keep that belief alive.”

“I didn’t run. I was helpless. I was broken, every bit of my heart was aching, my windpipe was useless; my brain was barely working. I did whatever came to my mind. Finally, when I realized some untold sacrifices. I returned home. I did not come here for you, for sure. The love of my mom took me here.” 

A fat drop of tears fell caressing his chicks were like a drop of water quenches the parched throat.

“Such hatred, my love. What did I do to you?” he whispered with his voice intermingled with the pain like his last hope of my arrival has snapped.

I remained silent, didn’t make any utterance. I felt gloom to answer him, but his face made me sob. I turned to leave forever; I didn’t want to know what happened in the past and with my mother.

“Stop, Ami for God’s sake.”

I paused and listened to him, but I didn’t turn to face him.

“At least, tell me my mistake,” he pleaded like a four-year-old. “I had been waiting for you, Ami. Stop. Don’t go.”

I breathed harder; I was on the predicament—should I forgive him or let him suffer?

“You kissed my mom, didn’t you?” I barked over him. He blanched as somebody proved him a murderer, or he caught red-handed.

“What?” he said, winced in stress, thoughtful brows went up.

“Yes. We have our marriage in twenty minutes; I went to the backyard in search of my mom. You guys were kissing like you both meant for each other. You were kissing her vehemently like you going to suck all her breath.” 

 “Ami, was that only reason you absconded?” he asked, and a drop of regret fell on the floor, but his expression wasn't so exaggerating as expected.

I nodded. “Wasn’t it enough for you?” 

“Why didn’t you talk to me? Argh! Please, for God’s sake, Ami. I wish if you would talk to me,” he said. “We would marry, I thought you believed me.”

“I believe you, but I am not blind,” I said.

“My excitement, emerging as the evening waves. I thought it was you, sitting in white. I closed my eyes, I promised to me, I will open my eyes to see you in the church. Yet, I couldn’t resist myself to kiss you. So, I kissed you, calmly with passion. I realized when I am not getting any response from you. Eventually, I opened my eyes to see. My inner tide thwarted me back in surprise like I saw a ghost. She was your mom, half-conscious almost fainted, her blood pressure was high. She had fainted fully when I took her to the hospital, eventually when she opened her eyes. She didn’t find you around, she asked for you.

Her last sentence was, “Jesus, where is my daughter?" Her life was lying within you. You departed unheralded so, she died in grief.”

I was listening to him like my death almost came. I will die of regret. My tears found no way to saunter down. I fell at my place almost dead, languidly.