The Reflection of the Water

February 2014:

I stood there. I felt ill. I looked over and saw all these people counting on me. I saw Bea waving at me from the millions of spectators, I saw Anna, my coach, her eyes hopeful but calm, and then- I looked down, the blue water waiting. Waiting for me to take that leap, to jump. It sparkled, and I felt like I was about to pass out. I shouldn’t jump, something inside of me was saying ‘don’t do it’. But…I couldn’t let them down. Everyone was counting on me. So even though my legs felt like jelly, and I couldn’t stop shaking, I jumped.

I don’t remember much about that swim, which is funny, since it was the thing I’d been working to my whole athletic career. The years of training with Anna, the waking up at 5 in the morning to go for some laps, the strict diet I had to be on……….all of it, and yet, here I was, in the hospital, feeling like I’d been hit by a ton of bricks. I felt ill. Why had I jumped? I’d pushed myself, and now, now here I was. At the Something Someone Hospital in England. They’d brought me over from Russia…but I can’t remember much about that either. I looked over at the door, waiting for it to open. These past few days have been a blur, questions unanswered, everyone crying. But now, now I was about to get my answer, the one I’d been dreading. Bea walked in, followed by Dr Somebody. I looked over at Bea’s blue eyes, so like my own, and although she tried keeping a strong face for me I could tell-it was bad news. “So….” Dr Somebody cleared his throat. “We’ve got your results back, and-“ and that’s when I blacked out. I knew what he was going to say. I didn’t want to hear it. ‘you’ll never be able to walk again, and you won’t be able to swim’. He would say. Well, I would prove him wrong. I might not be able to walk again, but one day, one day I would swim.

February 2015:

I didn’t remember what today was, until I got a notification on my phone saying, ‘a year since our very own Olympic swimmer’s horrific accident.” From the local news site. I dropped my phone onto my lap and started shaking. When Bea called out to me and I didn’t answer, she ran in to see what’s wrong. my sweet, kindhearted sister who almost never swore started cussing into my phone, and deleted the notification. She handed me a cup of steaming hot cocoa-my favourite, and showed me a piece of paper ‘Support group for young disabled people’ with a picture of this man in a wheelchair smiling, his white teeth shining falsely. I'm fine, I told her. I didn’t need her making me drinks and things anymore, I don’t need her help. At first she was great, moving in with me in my little apartment, and helping me adjust to this new reality, but now, now it was getting on my nerves a bit. Bea got up, offended. I decided to wheel myself outside and go clear my head. I thought about what’d happened this past year, and realised……..nothing. I hadn’t gotten a job, I’d barely left the house, I made Bea do all the housework, left her to deal with my finances and everything, while I’d sat around and felt sorry for myself. I started to cry. Sitting there in the park, the tears started streaming. After the accident I told myself this wouldn’t happen, that I wouldn’t just sit around….but I did. Literally all I did was sit around. Wheeling myself back home, I arrived just as Bea sat down at the table. I didn’t need to say anything because she knew. She knew I was sorry, just as much as I knew she was doing this because she wanted to help. That’s all Bea wanted. To help people. I looked over at the paper from before, the man’s teeth still shining, even whiter than before. There was a number at the bottom, and some information. Picking up my phone, I shakingly dialed the number.

February 2016:

Wait a minute, I heard a voice call from behind me. It was Raul, new guy to the group. He’d been here a month and was paralysed in some skiing accident last year. He asked if I was free tonight. I started laughing, because, in fact, I was not free tonight. For the first time in two years, I had a job to go to. I was going to work as a secretary for the local pool. It wasn’t an amazing job, but it kept me near to the water and gave me a nice little cheque. I turned back to Raul, whose face fell. I couldn’t think about that, now, I had to get home. Home, luckily was only a 20 minute walk away, so I could get myself to and from all the meeting’s without Bea’s assistance. I arrived home, and there she was, waiting for me, her blonde hair pulled up into a messy bun, and her eyes worried as they were every time I left the house alone. I know it was hard for her, to watch me like this, and I hated putting her in this situation, every day. I was meant to be the strong one. It was always like that, Bea the soft, gentle selfless twin, and me, the tough tomboy, strong one. But now, even with me being a lot more mobile, I felt like I was holding her back. As she opened the door for me I looked at her, and she didn’t even need to say a word since we both knew. It was time for her to leave.

February 2017:

I decided it was finally time to tell him. I braced myself, because I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I finally started to tell my story. He’d been with me for almost half a year, and I knew his story, but he didn’t yet know mine. It’d been three years since the accident, so I finally told him. Jamal listened intently, and when I finished he was silent. I couldn’t make out what his expression was, but I could tell it had touched him. Needless to say, after that break the lesson went much better, he finally felt more confident, and I, in turn, felt more confident as his teacher. He got out of the water and waited for his chair he smiled at me. After the lesson as I wheeled myself into our flat I started to cry. Raul came over to me and gave me a hug. It was nice having him around, permanently. A few days after I started my secretary job I realised I’d been holding myself back. I was scared of opening myself up to another individual. Thankfully, Raul didn’t hate me, and we went on our first date, which led to us moving in together, this December. As for Jamal, when I saw him wheel out of the pool frustrated because his teacher didn’t understand what he was going through, I decided to take matters into my own hands, and  I now sat by the pool while he swam and taught like that. I hadn’t gone into the water…yet.

February 2018:

I was so excited, I rushed home! Bea was finally coming to visit! It’d been two years since she’d left to teach in Alaska but now she was coming to visit. Tomorrow, I’d be reunited with my best friend. Raul and I started laying the table, and we’d stayed up until late last night, tidying her room and making sure everything was perfect for her arrival. Besides for the fact that she was our first ever guest in our new flat, we had some news-we were getting married. In the lesson this morning Laura had asked me why I was so distracted, and when I told her the news she smiled. She reminded me a lot of Bea, in that they both had such empathy and big dreams. Laura wanted to be an Olympic swimmer, just like me, and just like me, had had an accident in the pool which had resulted in her losing an arm. When I first heard about her, I was so nervous to teach her. I had a few more students by then, but she was 17 already, the oldest one I’d taught, and she was so similar to me. But it was great, and I was so proud of her. I turned back to Raul and grinned. I couldn’t wait for tonight.

February 2021:

I sat there, feeling ill. I looked over. This place looked so different, yet so similar to how it had been, all those years ago. The place was mostly empty, on one chair I saw Bea giving me a thumbs up, on the other, Laura, looking extremely nervous for her race tomorrow. I turned to my right, and there was Raul, sitting in his wheelchair holding our daughter. He put her chubby hands together and mimicked clapping for me. That’s when I did it. I felt empowered. They gave me power. I hardly looked at the water and jumped.

February 2014:

“I'm gonna be sick,” I gasped, and walked away. Shouts of exclamation filled the stadium, but I couldn’t do it. “Alex!” Bea rushed over to me. She was so controlling sometimes. “What happened?” Anna followed, looking worried. “I’m going to pass ou…” I whispered, and fell straight into Bea’s arms. I awoke a few moments later, with Bea and Anna’s worried faces around me, as well as some other medical professionals whom I didn’t know. they wheeled me off to the hospital, with Bea following behind.

February 2015:

“You ok?” Anna asked. I shook my head “Not really.” I said, sitting up from the pool. She handed me my water bottle and I took it, gulping down heaps of water. The water felt cool in my throat. It calmed me. “I’m, I'm really…” nervous. I couldn’t say it. Alex Dunn, the UK’s most promising young swimmer, nervous? For just a small race? I kept drinking and before long I’d finished my water. Anna looked at me and I realised, it was time to go back in.

February 2016:

I lay down on my bed. It was nice to have a day off. I’d been at the pool nonstop last week, practicing for some more races, but today, today I’d be free to do what I wanted. Except….except all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and cry. Cry because I was nervous, cry because I felt pressure from the whole country, cry because as much as I love swimming I was starting to feel differently about it. Cry because every time I looked down at the water I went back to that day, two years ago. My phone rang, and I, tear strained and with a lump in my throat picked it up. It was Bea. She’d called to tell me that she’d had a boy. I was happy for her, truly I was. She called him Jacob, after our father. And while I was happy for her, something about me…….wasn’t? Bea was living in Alaska now, she went to be a teacher last year, and she met a guy there-Henrik. And now, now she had a stupid baby and a stupid job and me? I just sit here on my bed, crying.

February 2017:

“Hey, Alex, would you mind just sitting here for a few minutes while I go and check something?” I heard a voice. Sasha, the pools secretary motioned for me. “Why not?” I asked. It wasn’t like I had anything better to do. They shot me a grateful smile and I sat down at the desk. I laughed. Alex Dunn, secretary? Never in a million years. I looked up and saw a young boy in a wheelchair come into the room. He wheeled himself in and he was yelling to the person behind him “You told me I’d not need to come back!” he shouted “Yes, but that was half a year ago. We said we’d give it a few months, see how it went, and I think the pool is the best option for you!” said the woman, who I now presumed was his mother. The boy shrugged and wheeled himself towards the changing areas. His mother made eye contact with me, but I avoided it.

February 2018:

She’s leaving. She told me she has better things to do than with someone who’s afraid of the water and that was it. She left. I could say that I didn’t cry but I’d be lying. I’d cried a lot lately. “I’m sorry, Alex.” were her last words to me. “But-“ I stood there in the pool, frozen. How I hated the pool. “I’LL DO IT MYSELF!” I exclaimed, “You’ll see.” I shouted, but Anna just walked away. Gone. My one constant, the only person with me throughout my career, just…….left? I hated everything. I hated everyone.

February 2021:

I stood there, once again, with all these people, their eyes focused on me, just like they were, all those years ago. But this time, it was different. I didn’t feel, confident, per se, but I felt healthy. Calm, collected, ready. 7 years I’d been waiting for this moment, a chance to redeem myself, but I looked around the stadium, and no one. I told Bea about it, but she was busy with her family. Jacob, Eliza, and Henrik. I wondered if she’d even thought about coming at all. I looked around, one nervous looking girl without an arm gave me a thumbs up, but that was it. I missed Anna. I’d been training alone, and I didn’t care if it wasn’t the right way to do things or not, I had to do this. And so I did, staring at the water, the sparkling blue water. I didn’t really care anymore. I jumped.