Trapped In The Fall

Each step was slow and deliberate, taken with the purpose to forget. One at a time, Delia crushed a yellow leaf under the weight of her baseless existence. She watched as they fell from the trees just as the tears had fallen from her eyes all those years ago. And she heard the 'crunch' as they met the same fate her tears had.

Being ignored, neglected does not hurt as much as being abandoned by a loved one does. The pain wraps itself around your heart like sharp threads, tightly constricting any way to breathe but loose enough to leave you half dead.

It is the worst kind of torture that a person can be put through and Delia has seen all that and some.

But that torture was not anywhere near as lethal as seeing that same person who left you with deep, deep cuts, happy with someone else. If the broad smile on Caleb's face did not give her a stupor then the way he held his girl close to himself gave her a strong enough stimuli to make her bolt.

The pain was close to what she had felt when he left her to fend for herself when she needed him more than ever, just ten times more. The breathlessness was quite the same as she had gone through after he had abandoned her at the school gate to face the hell that broke down inside by herself, just ten times more.

But the anger she felt as she noticed the exhaustion in her body was new. It was like an anchor and she held on to it desperately. It was just what she needed to face the bastard who had caught her eye before she had run for her life from the ballroom. And that same second his smile had disappeared and in his eyes she had seen shock and disbelief before they were replaced by regret, guilt and remnants of pain.

The anger diverted to herself as she realized how big of a fool she had made of herself just then by showing him that his cuts had healed but left her with scars. Scars that she still had not accepted or moved on from. The anger intensified when she noticed his audacity to follow her.

She stumbled to a stop and turned to face him, which was not a wise thing to do, she noticed when everything from all those years ago came tumbling back between them. Her breathing was uneven from the intensity of everything she was feeling. The love, the anger, the hurt, the betrayal, the exhaustion and the need to find closure. The tension was present like a living, breathing entity around them. 

They both stood there, just staring at each other. The regret of losing something as rare as what they had tasted sour, and sharp in her mouth, cutting through her throat and spread like a poison inside her body. On his face was everything she had wanted to see back then, guilt, remorse, pain. But what was the use now. Nothing. 

Because none of that could bring back the confidence and self esteem she had lost that day and everyday after. Neither would it erase the terrifying images of the bullying she had endured.

"You look good, Caleb."

The words registered a moment after she let them out. Ringing like an alarm inside her head, waking up something twisted inside of her. He looked good, while she stood in front of him looking like a lovesick fool. An insane lovesick fool who was still hung up on her high school sweetheart.

The thought oddly amused her, all the tension left her body as she chuckled at the mess. And his comical reaction at the sudden change in her mood only made her laugh harder. He would probably be thinking she had gone crazy. Why she suddenly felt this even she was not aware. All that was left was a dull pain in her chest which she decided to ignore. If there was a way to deal with him without too much drama she would embrace it.

Getting a grip over her laughter she looked up at the sky. What were they doing? What was this? She did not need this. Judging by her reaction to seeing him again she was certain this would not give her any kind of closure. Talking to him would only intensify the pain, she did not need any of that.

She did not know how long they just stood there, she gazing up at the sky and him fidgeting uncomfortably. With a sigh she turned without a word and started walking to her car.

Her hand froze at the car door when she felt his warm breath on her neck, and the warmth of his body behind hers. Her breath hitched, her eyes stung and she shut them tightly, her knuckles kept a death grip on the door as she tried not to break like a fragile glass from the strength of the emotions tangled around the words he softly whispered in her ear.

"I'm sorry."

A tortured sob broke free from her chest when his hand hesitantly held her shoulders to keep her from falling. And for however long she took to sob out every bit of pain she had locked up inside her, he stood there repeating his apology. Whether he meant it or not, she did not know, but she felt lighter than ever when he dropped her back to her apartment with a promise from her that she would let him explain when she was in control of herself.

Now as she watched the delicate leaves disappear under her feet, she wished her memories of him were also as fragile so she could stash the crumbled mess of them into the back of her head. So she could find herself some kind of closure that her last meeting with him had not given. And so she could convince herself that she was stronger than she gave herself credit for.

But the sad truth tasted as salty as the tears she was weeping, and the truth was those memories were far stronger and powerful than she liked to admit.

The wind was chilling her to her core but she welcomed it as she continued her stroll down the path sheltered by the trees enwrapped in the essence of Autumn. Freezing to death was better than melting under the weight of every sweet word he had every spoken to her anyway. Letting the cold consume her, making her numb to every sensation of hope was better than relapsing to the drug of his addictive company. Anything was better than overdosing on dreaming about a happy life with him and then ending up in brutal rehabilitation.

She had been there, done that. Not again. Never again. But saying and acknowledging that did not make it any easier than the first time. It did not erase the fact that this time no life coach would be able to discipline her self-destruction.

However, ending up in a self-induced coma for a long time was not as frightening for a reason she could not grasp. And just the possibility that it might be because she was leaning towards the well that was far deeper than the one she was still trying to climb out of was enough to incite a rush of nausea in the pit of her stomach.

Her trembling hands picked up the dampness of her shirt as she hugged her arms around herself. Although she refused to acknowledge the goosebumps that formed on her skin as the cool breeze caressed her sweat covered body, it did not change the fact that she knew she was dangerously close to that relapse.

As the fear made her breathless, she refused to believe she was on the verge of sidestepping the safe center right in front of her to jump into the fire burning around it. A will that had taken her more than ten years to strengthen was all in favor of her destruction. 

She searched for something to hold on to. That anger she had felt. But it was as if it was lurking in the steam above her head and stayed just out of her reach.

A new way to torture her. Another gift from Caleb. A hiss escaped her lips as a hot tear rolled down her hypersensitive skin. A bittersweet sensation she welcomed and let more tears free, tasting them on her tongue as she gasped for a much needed dose of oxygen. Trying to find a common ground between her breathlessness and overdriven emotions proved as difficult as the rest of it. The taste of her own tears was a welcome reminder of the humiliation she had gone through every time she had wept for him, over him.

For too much salt tasted bitter and that was part of what she was feeling towards Caleb, towards herself, and toward the whole jumbled mess of their situation. A mess he had created and left her alone to clean. The same mess she had never seemed to get organized.

The rest of what she was feeling was anything but the calm she had been looking for all her life. Just like the situation it was a mess of emotions that she was far too afraid to take notice of. 

They were the key to the abyss of wistfulness. The yearning for everything she had dreamed to achieve but was robbed of in a blink.

Another much needed breath brought in an exhaustion she did not see coming. Something that made her wipe her eyes with her sleeve and take a look around herself. Around her were not the people but the images of her and Caleb taking a leisurely stroll down this same road. Hand in hand, laughing, teasing, having the time of their lives, not knowing it won't last as long as they believe it to.

With a sigh, she decided to let go of the dread for just a bit and started walking. Her each step was still slow and deliberate, but uneven and weary as she let herself fall just as those leaves did. A fall down the wrong path of memories where she pieced each of them together begrudgingly, because forgetting them was as impossible as counting the drops that formed an ocean. And as she carefully watched the beauty of them run across her minds eye, she wished that piecing herself together was also as easy.