The Silent Abyss

I never expected that in would end like this. Me looking out a window at 3 am. I mean who does? 

You don't fall in love wishing for heartbreak.

I've always had a fantasization with 3 am. The joy it gives me, the smile that creeps on my lips when the clock ticks past 2:59. My heart rate starts to slow down; I close my eyes and I think. I think of how different it would all be if I just did not go up to her. I think of how weird it would be going through those months without her. What would I do with my time if not hang around her? Study? Read? I will never know. She took that away from me, the possibility of a better ending, a happier ending when she decided to leave.  

It's 3 AM and Oakdale has never looked this peaceful before. The deafening growl of Mr. Willis lawnmower has yet to start, the 6-year-old twins, Brody and Brady, who is always running through sprinklers are probably sleeping, Mrs. Donovan is waiting for the sun to come out so she can garden, and the try hard tweens on the corner who always seem to be playing basketball (despite how obvious untalented they are) are nowhere to be seen.  

So, I stand there, looking out the window, letting the breeze gently hit against my skin, closing my eyes and imagining that she was there right beside me. Whispering something stupid like: if you close your eyes for too long, you can go blind. God, her and her stupid phrases like love is like a fart, if you need to force it, it’s shit. Her and her messed up converses that were falling apart. Her and her brown jacket she refuses to wash. Her and her chipped black nails. Her and how her stupid neck that always swung back every time she laughed. Her and how every stupid smile she did reached her eyes. Her and her stupid obsession to one direction. Her and her stupid short brown hair. Her and just stupid her. 

I’m crying now. Not willingly. But aggressively. My eyelids burn by the intensity of the amount of saline coming now. Snot strolling down my nose and when I tried to look outside again, all I could see is the silent abyss. I couldn’t stare at it, the sheer thought that maybe if I looked then I would see her, and I was going to fall in love all over again made me terrified. 

This wasn’t heartbreak. We were each other; we were a soul. Together, as one. Boundless forever.  I told her things that I wouldn’t dare repeat to anyone else. The darkest secrets that I hide from anyone like a treasure chest. I felt everything with her, angry, jealous, tired, acrid, happy, joy, disgust, trust. I trusted her and loved her, more than myself. What happens when two souls fall in love, love each other endlessly while hating everybody about themselves. Chaos. A storm. A terrible, awful, horrendous storm. She made me feel everything and now she makes me feel nothing.  

Then, beside my left elbow, I feel fur. Kat comes up beside me, perched on the window seal, looking at me with those big green eyes. Yes, I named my cat Kat. It was unironically, I have an aunt named Kat that died but until I said it out loud to my friends, was when I figured it out. Do cats ever look to their owner and wonder how stupid they have been? Do you think she knows that my other half is gone?  

It’s not you, it’s me was the last thing she ever said to me. Looked me deep in my eyes, looking down at where my hand was on her arm, almost possessively. She ended with a cliché, who does that? Who ends something so magical, so unworthy of the basicness of cliches with one? She does. Elizabeth fucking Day that’s who.  

‘’Never gonna give up, never gonna let you down-’’ Never Gonna Give You Up by Rich Astley blasts from my phone. Someone is calling me. I look down expecting it be Sadie, my stoner neighbour probably asking if I want to smoke weed or Jill, Sadie’s mom to ask if Sadie is smoking with me. It’s neither. Lizzie <3 is all I see. I still haven’t changed her contact name, do I block her? Or change it to Elizabeth? Or The girl that broke you heart?  

I scream. Well, it’s more like a yap that a camel would say. So, I yap and fling my phone across the room. It lands on the bed at the back. Thousands of thoughts are racing through my brain. What do you say to your Ex-girlfriend? At 3AM? Am I daydreaming? Nightdreaming? Have I gone crazy like in 8th grade? God, I hope not. Those were dark times.  

Slowly, I hike my feet across the room and pick up the phone. It’s still there. Lizzie<3. This next part, I didn’t even allow my hand to do but my thumb presses the green button with the phone up sign, symbolizing answering the phone. I press it against my ear, terrified she will say something, and I won’t hear it. Nothing. Not radio silence either. There is somebody. Heavy breathing greets me, and we wait.  

I sit down, the world suddenly spinning too fast for my brain to handle. I don’t want to speak first, it’s an unspoken rule. I got dumped so she speaks. That’s how the universe works. Well, the universe was also supposed to let us live happily ever after but here I am dumped by my soulmate. So far, the universe isn’t so reliable. Piss off universe.  

‘Hello?” a voice croaks on the other side 

“Hello.’’ I say back, trying to sound more confident than I actually feel 

“Is this the right number? I- I didn’t know’’  

“Uh, yeah. Duh. Who are you?'' I know its her . I just want to hear her say it.

“It’s Lizzie, your, uhm, ex, uhm, girlfriend.’’ 

“Oh.’’ She said it. It's a fact. She broke with me.Why does it still hurt hearing her say it?  

‘’I just wanted to call to ask when you would be able to pick up your clothes.” 

Wow. Knife to the heart. Just piercing right through it. I’m winded, does she expect me to say something after that? 

“Uhm, just burn it. I don’t care’’ Hopefully my voice doesn’t showcase the amount of hurt I am feeling. Yes, burn it, Lizzie. Burn it like you burned me when you said it’s over. I don’t care. 

‘’Oh.” Now she is winded. Maybe that was too harsh? I could apologise. I am about to open my mouth and barely just uttering an uhm when I hear another female voice.  

‘You coming to bed, Liz?”  

Liz. She never let anyone call her Liz. Said it was a lazy way to say Lizzie which is a lazy way to say Eliza which is a lazy way to say Elizabeth. I physical felt my heart break. One by one, the memories with you turning sour. I don’t need to say anything because she hangs up the call before I can respond. I know she knows that I know that I heard her. 

That’s when it hits me, like a ton of bricks. She never cherished me. All those memories, all those late nights. She was never my soulmate, and I was never hers. She never loved me. She only loved the idea of me.  

And when I looked out the window, all I could hear, feel and see was the silent abyss staring me. This time I stared back.