To a new starry life!

I lay staring up at the dark blanket studded with sparkling silver. The feeling of paralysis encapsulates me dragging me to the world of dark hell hole. I lay immobile letting my inner turmoil churn till the fire extinguish and what remains is only the smouldering ash. The anguish in me does not simmer but continue to ablaze as I jot lines between events that occurred like connecting the stars to forming a clear constellation.  

The visions are no longer hazy. As I continue to gaze up at the night sky, I finally let the reality sink in me. I loved him with all my heart and soul and went to extents to be someone who am not. I wanted to shine for him forever. Alas! Now I know, am not the allotted star for him.   

Every day my questions went unanswered. Or is it because I dint want to understand the meaning behind them? But today I have the answers. I wasn’t loved, rather I was controlled. I was made to feel guilty of being what am not just because he feared losing me. He feared I would fall into the trap of other boys. He kept me away from my family, friends and everyone who had a voice in my life. Why speak about others. He kept myself away from me. Do you know when I realised everything was utter wrong? Only when he threatened about restricting me from my life, my passion to dance. Only when he said he would not let me go but keep me bonded with him forever to torture me by breaking my legs, letting me crawl and rot till death. He had vowed to torture and kill my family in front my eyes. 

Why did I not realise this was not a healthy relationship? Did he want me just physically? Is that the reason he forced me to do things I dint want to? I felt something was amiss only when his hands were all over me even though I met him that day just for half an hour. He was changed. He was no more the same person whom I fell in love almost five years ago. Can love turn into obsession? Yes, I learnt they can. People can become psychopaths in love, starting from being a possessive lover to obsessive control freaks. Everyone must have wondered why I do not attend social gatherings. None knew the reason. My parents dint know either. I wasn’t allowed to or rather I had made a choice to be not allowed by him. Just so that he was not mad at me and not call me a whore and slut. I had stopped attending college festivals, or any other meetings. I had stopped speaking to people all together.  Now I realise, everyone used me for their benefit. In the facade of love, it was just the greed and pride of having a girl under control that stood above all.

Finally when I wanted to come out of the hell hole, all who knew about us tried their level best to put me back into the darkness and not hold my hand to lift me up. But as they say, every person has a star allotted which would appear at the time of need. I saw my star too. My guiding light who made me realise all the wrong which I was forced to thing as right.

Now it pains when I look back at those years where I dint shine for my family and myself. I dint shine even for the needy. Look at the irony! Even if I want to now, am unable to shine. I have lost myself somewhere behind. Not being able to emote the things I want to through dance, through music, art or even in words has been killing me internally. The music for dance cannot be heard by me, only the harsh words thrown at me keeps ringing in my ears. Every session of trying to dance end being a panic attack.

Every song I listen to reminds me of the dreadful past. The meaning of every word connects me to the memories I do not wish to recollect. I just feel to shout out about the chaos in me, Just scream to lessen the pain but my voice do not help me. Even tears do not fall to reduce the heaviness in my swooning heart. Earlier if the guilt was about hurting him in anyways, then now the guilt is only to be not the shining star of my parents, to whom I had promised to be one. The feeling of being a curse to everyone around me only makes me want to burn off into nothing.

To great extent it has happened too. The girl who was a star since childhood, all through her schooling has vanished like a burnt out star. But the stars have magic. They have sent stars in my life to guide me back to track. Looking at the stars above, I know, I can at least shimmer if I try. For as the stars gleam saying,, 

"Heart might burn like the stars, 

Turmoil to extinguish and to reform 

You might fall off like the shooting star 

Only to rise up with new vigour every time 

Emotions might churn up with anguish  

But do not let the grudges burn up your energy. 

Every sparkle of energy saved, 

Joined shines brighter at the end. 

Expel thy self to brighten the world like the stars 

And not darken thy self and others to doom. 

Shine ablaze to be a guiding light of the traveller in you 

Do not be derailed by a brighter star.  

Life is not the past, past is not the life 

Define your life path like the shooting stars with a tail behind. 

Leave behind a trail for the memories to track, 

Not for the past to retrace 

Glistening with tears, look up at us every time you fall 

Only to remind yourself to rise up shining brighter from every burnout." 

Soaking myself with the lessons of life, I lay gazing up at the stars not with a blankness this time, but with ignited thoughts about the present and future, ready to remould myself for the new chapter in my starry life.