Help Momma

It was barely 7:00 am as the cold biting breeze reminded me it was Christmas season once again. I tucked myself in my blanket, my hands finding my inner thighs as I sought warmth. It was always my most anticipated holiday and even though it were two weeks away, it was worth every letter in the word Christmas. We always had to put on the hoodies sent by Aunty Nnenna from Australia, we wore lip balm and couldn’t help but smack our lips as always if not we could face the "cracked lip syndrome" which we dreaded so much. I was going to see Christabel and Adanna again. They were fast-growing kids with their ages sixteen and fourteen respectively. Living in school had made me not grow up with them, but then I always loved to spend every time I got during the holidays with them. Sometimes, I stayed up so late listening to their rib-cracking gist and fiery fisted arguments, that I ended up sleeping in their room. 

I had to wake up one hour later as the sun came up with strong penetrating rays in through my window blinds, what came to my mind was homemade lunch as I smiled to the bathroom, in an hour I was so ready that I almost forgot my bags as I sauntered back and forth in so much ecstasy and joy listening to “Mummy” by Wizkid from his “Ayo” album. In a few minutes, I was at the school park homebound,. I got home in the quickest of hours as I barely took account of the time of my journey and got into my compound. I was greeted with the most joyful welcome and warmest greetings. I saw my mummy’s face as I hugged her the most, she was ready to give me long advice with that look as she felt the anklets and waist beads when we hugged. I had to dodge the stare and look at the joyous welcoming faces. I knew I would have to get that talk soon as well as going on annoying errands as well as listening to her ever famous comparisons to the girls who belonged the pages of blessed sacrament associations in church... If only she knew what they did in the dark. Still collecting the warmest hugs, I scanned for my dad’s face. He wasn’t always present at the close-knitted moments of our family life, as his work in the railway corporation stole his humor and passive self to our troubles and my mom’s nagging at times. He never passed a compliment but always looked at me with hard stares and a brief smile. I got to know my dad was full of sarcasm when I tried making my first meal for him, pap. It was so watery, he asked me, “When are you bringing straw so I can drink what you prepared this morning?” Well, he had to complete his act after he called me to carry the plates and followed me to wash his hands in the same sink. If he had seen me dress like this, the first thing out of his mouth would be, “May you not turn your life upside down with the waist beads.” He could go on to add, “Madam, who are you deceiving or who are you inviting to yourself?”. Well, he wasn’t here and I had to unpack as my sisters gave me the gist of what had been happening. Then, they broke into a very conscious argument when Christabel said to me:

“Do you know that mom is very aggressive these days?”. Adanna retorted back sharply, "Hmm! how do you know that one?" 

“See you, you are not always around when you go to school early and come back late”, said Christabel.

I watched closely as she unpacked my bags fiercely and her tone was increasing as though she was ready to get physical during the argument. Her body movements were also passing a message. 

“As I was saying sister”, Christabel continued, “when I do something to help mommy out she is always being angry if I don’t do it well. She would always yell with 'sorry for yourself' if I apologize or throw vulgar abusive words”,

“It is a lie”, darted Adanna, “dad always helps her like this" as she folded the clothes in a very strange manner showing slight struggle”,

“How do you know it is a lie? One day, mom was making my hair and suddenly she started singing those sorrowful songs of hers and if I tried to join her, she would shut me up with a slap” 

“I think that one is true but she didn’t want you to sing with her”, retorted Adanna, “She was happy the other day when I broke a plate,. She didn’t even shout, she just kept looking at me like I didn’t do anything wrong. She came back asking me if I didn’t break any other plate again” said Adanna. 

I was dazed watching them argue out mom’s different emotions towards each of their actions and I kept mute as they kept on their fiery argument. 

Christabel wanted to win at all costs. She asked Adanna if she knew when mommy was cutting vegetables and cut herself in the process then washed off the wound and forgot that she cut herself by mistake the next day. She had not finished when Adanna shot back at her, "it is an exaggeration. Mummy would never forget such an event, I remember when mommy said I should keep the red bag that aunty bought for her in her wardrobe called “obodo oyibo” then asked her that I couldn’t see where to keep it in the wardrobe as there was no space to keep it, she retorted to me that I should keep it on her head, that I didn’t know that the black bag should be out of the second drawer in the wardrobe; when I went there she was accurate as to where the bag was."

Christabel shot back, “Do you know mummy carries the hot pot from the burner like that without any of the clothes for carrying it?". Adanna didn’t see that coming but she was prepared to hit back at her too as she said “Well, you’ve not seen her do the traditional herbs with her bare hands rather than use the knife so the carrying of pots is normal for mothers". “No, it is not normal when she carries it, because she’s not the one at that moment and doesn’t remember she does it at all, till when you remind her or want to see her hands when she’s washing. Don’t you tell me mommy has superpowers now”.

“So when she flogged me with iron, did I die? Didn’t I go back to commit the same crime the next week? I have risked so much for that my stupid boyfriend Chukka, am I now a superhuman?” asked Adanna. I chuckled and looked questionably at Adanna who couldn’t handle herself well at school and was handling a boyfriend at her age. But though I know not to bring yourself trouble for another person’s issues, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t look out for her. 

But, t you took pain relief drugs after. I had to buy them for you with my money, just remember you owe me money” Christabel retorted, “you ran away from the kitchen that night when mommy was using the paddle for making 'garri' on you after she just came out of a pure hot argument with Daddy that didn’t end well”, I chuckled but straightened up my face as I didn’t want to be bias or partial as they were dropping solid points in this dramatic argument of theirs, but I couldn’t process where the argument was heading.

Adanna was quick to retort this time, "Sister, do you know when I wanted to help mummy go to the market, I went to collect money from her purse, she told me to go and return the money, I was about to return the money, when she rushed at me and gave me slaps, she counted the money and said that she didn’t ask me to collect it, and she didn’t send me to the market. I think she is having trust issues with me." Christabel didn’t think much of this but had to agree that there was an incident of her own, “I wanted to visit Ugochi just before you came back and she asked where I was going, I told her but she asked me when last Ugochi had visited me in this our house. I stared at her blankly and came inside and laid down on the couch. Almost immediately, Mummy came in saying that I was turning to be a prostitute that Ugochi will mislead me and all her advice”.

They weren’t done yet as Adanna who seemed to be leading on this argument or rather debate on how mom was when I was absent compared to how she was when I was home the last time.

"Sister, Mummy doesn’t go to church again nor does she pray her rosary again. She just sits staring into thin air when we go to church and when we come back, she’s always lost in thoughts. I usually hug her to give her little, if not all, of my blessings from the church." I was amazed at this development about to ask why and when all this change had happened when Christabel defended with, “She prays and cries any day when she wants to. The crying is always loud, as though she fights with unseen spirits. Sister, I usually cry any time she prays so if she doesn’t go to church, she prays”.       

Christabel would take no more of it, "Sister, do you remember the day I called you and told you I had a fever, you said, “You should tell mom”. Well, I told you what her reply was, she said: “You were pressing too much phone, that's the reason why”. So I asked, “And what happened, didn’t she give you medicine?” “No, I went to the drug store and told the chemist there to sell me the drugs mixture for fever that I would pay her back when my dad came back”. Adanna exclaimed as though Christabel had exaggerated or lied and said, “Why won’t you have a fever when you are always playing that wrestling game and hitting your phone like Daddy does to Mummy or his phone”. 

There was a very big pause. The room went dead cold as they continued the arguments as though nothing was said I was shocked at first then I had to cool down. I was getting all boiled up at this argument, I was beginning to gather the whole arguments from the beginning as I was drifting to my thoughts. There and then I was lost. I became a living ghost for few minutes, then it came to my conscious self, changes in her self-perception, challenge in trusting even her daughters, losing her faith, losing the memories of her trauma and reliving them by hurting herself, distorted perceptions of my dad, difficulty regulating her emotions which resulted to extreme anger and having quick swings from one mood to another. As I kept recalling the whole argument going on, tears flowed freely. That was my reaction. I was not only listening to an argument of their ordeals about how typical my mother was in this phase of motherhood, but they were narrating my mum’s ordeal battling with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, which had been as a result of my dad abusing her physically and emotionally and they didn’t know. Why would dad do this to his own better half? I had watched bittersweet journeys of different couples on T.V and never thought my role models would be through this very bitter journey. Yet, what baffled me was how long this marriage had been for and how well mom had managed all of this coupled with training us all as a mother would. 

This argument stole the Christmas joy and the thought of a beautiful holiday from my heart. A Moment Like This was a dark cloud in the silver lining of my mom’s life.