Monkey Business

Hello, my name is Ralphie. We don't speak the same language but that's all right being as I am a Capuchin monkey. I am quite handsome with my lighter colored face and chest and a black body. My name has a pretty cool history that I bet you are unaware of. It all started back with St Francis of Assisi when he started the Order of Friars Minor Capuchin. Required to go barefoot, the members of the order wore a simple yet distinctive brown habit. Many centuries later, Portuguese explorers discovered my ancestors and thought we looked like the friers, so they gave us the name Capuchin. Not that this matters a smidgin to me, since my name is Ralphie.

"They removed me from my birth mother when I was very young and I was raised by this wonderful family. Louise is my mother (not really, but I call her that). She he is short and really pretty with long blond hair and bright blue eyes. She laughs a lot and dresses me in funny clothes. Dad is called James. He is very tall and thin with dark hair and wears glasses. He complains about everything, but he works hard and brings in lots of money. I have a brother called Roy and a sister called Jolie. That's a strange name. Probably short for something. Roy is only eight years old and pays more attention to me than the rest of them do. Jolie is 14 and having boys over. I do my best to keep them on the straight and narrow, but you know how teenagers are."

"There are some things that bother me and no one in the family will listen. These damn diapers. I'm not a baby anymore. Hell, I'm as old as Roy and a lot smarter. Then there is the leash. Whenever we go outside or to the park, they attach this damn leash to my collar, which keeps me from doing what I want to do. Swing through those trees in the park, or at least climb them. They let me climb the monkey bars with the rest of the kids and they think I'm pretty cool. If I could get into those trees, I would blow their minds. We are going out to the lake tomorrow to have a picnic lunch. That's a lot of fun, except Roy thinks it funny to throw me in the water, but I don't enjoy swimming, it’s just not my thing."

"I used to sleep at the foot of mom's bed, but they won't let me do that anymore. Some nights, I sneak into the room and watch them. They apparently like to wrestle, or at least that's what I thought, until I overheard Jolie talking with her friend. Apparently, they are trying to make another baby. They sure seem to go about it the hard way and it must not be much fun from all the moaning and hollering, I hear. Sometimes they do it with no covers and I get a better view. I thought I would try my hand at it with Sally. That’s our bitchy little Pomeranian dog. Little shit bit me. Shoot, I just wanted to see what it was all about."

“There seems to be a little descension among the ranks recently. Dad has been coming home late and mom accuses him running around. I don't blame him. I wish I could run around more. We need to move to the country and have acres of property. Then we could both run around. He is going off for his two-week summer camp in the Army Reserve's, so maybe things will cool off by the time he gets back. Who knows? He might get to do a lot more running around while in the Army. He said he's going to Camp Roberts out in the California desert. I can't imagine living in a desert. Hot and dry and no trees. Oh man, Roy just opened a pineapple. I'm in seventh heaven."

***

"It's kind of lonely around here. After dad went for his summer camp, mom sent the kids to a summer camp too. I only have Sally to talk to during the day, and she is not the brightest star in the galaxy. Here comes mom now. Looks like she is bringing a friend home with her. I never saw the fellow before and I feel a sense of foreboding. At least she is making something for supper. I'm starved. My favorite is mom's stew. Full of carrots and the rest of the veggies. Oh shit, she brought home Chinese, chopsticks and all. Never could get the hang of those things. They sure laugh and carrying on. Guess they are good friends. Oh, oh, off they go to Dad's liquor cabinet. I don't think he would like that. Well, ain't that something? They're taking the entire bottle and going upstairs. I better monitor this. I'll just sneak around the dresser and climb up behind the chair. Looks like mom is having trouble taking off her dress. The man seems nice and is helping her. Oh, wow, ain't that something? Reciprocal kindness. Now she is helping him out of his clothes. Maybe they're going to change to take in a movie or something. No, that can't be. They're climbing in bed. It's too early for bed, at least for me. Maybe they had a rough day. What the hell is he doing? It looks like the same thing dad does and boy are they going at it. Why would this guy want to make a baby with mom? Something is not right. Looks like they have finished. That didn't last long. That fella is lying on his back with a silly grin on his face like he just conquered a mountain. Holy shit. Mom is on top of him now and they're going at it again. I have to put a stop to this."

Ralphie leaped from the back of the chair and landed on the man's back, who had rolled on top. The man let out a shriek and rolled out of bed, landing on his back on the floor. Ralphie scampered out the door and down the stairs.

Ralphie looked up at the man standing on the landing. "Boy, that fella sure knows a bucket load of curse words. Dad never swears like that. Oh my, here he comes. Would be a bit more civilized if he would put some clothes on. Does he honestly think he can catch me? Lesson number one-don't try to catch something faster and smarter that you. First, I'll give him a tour of the kitchen/dining room."

The man grabbed a broom from the closet and pursued Ralphie into the kitchen. Ralphie picked up the opened pineapple and flung it into the man's chest. The juices streamed down his chest and he slipped and fell hard on his backsides. He took a minute to rise and continue the chase. Ralphie was sitting on the dining room table holding the salt and pepper shakers.

"Roy and I play catch and he says I'm a pretty good pitcher. This is hardly a baseball, but it should do." He flung the salt shaker with unerring accuracy, striking the man on the bridge of the nose. The man dropped the broom and grabbed his nose, screaming for Louise.

"Here comes mom. Maybe she can put a stop to all this nonsense. At least she put on her robe. The man looks so awful without clothes on. His face, neck and forearms are brown and the rest of him is white as that fake snow they put around the Christmas tree. I wonder if it is a genetic thing? Mom put a wet rag on his face and is leading him upstairs. I wonder if they are finished for the night? Guess I better sneak back upstairs and keep an eye on them."

"What the hell was that monster that attacked me, Louise? Is that James’s home guard? Why didn't you warn me about the creature?"

"It is just a pet monkey. One of those organ-grinder monkeys. You really upset him now. He is devilishly smart when he wants to be. The kids adore him."

"He jumped on my back and almost gave me a heart attack. I thought your husband had come home."

"Relax Bob. We only started the second chapter. Maybe we should finish it?" Louise removed her gown, climbed behind him, and began massaging his shoulders.

Ralphie frowned. "Jesus, some folks never learn. I need some reinforcements." He scampered from the bedroom and headed down the hall to Roy's room. He tried to open the top drawer of the dresser but could not reach it. Pulling a chair over to the dresser, he climbed to the top rung and, balancing on one foot, grasp the drawer and yanked it open. The drawer came flying out, knocking Ralphie backwards off the chair, landing on the floor with the drawer on top of him. Ralphie lay there staring at the brown spot in the ceiling's corner. "That was not my finest maneuver, but I must soldier on." Crawling out from beneath the drawer, he began searching the contents scattered on the floor. "Ah, here you are, my beauty. Skysong Thunder Bombs firecracker strip. I watched Roy and James setting these off last fourth of July. If I can remember how they did it, I'll get their attention for sure." He found a book of matches and returned to the bedroom.

"Good lord, this bloke must be a marathon runner. I'll see if this doesn't slow him down a bit." He lit the fuse and threw the pack of ten on the bed. They were both crying something about God when the room erupted in a series of loud flashes. Louise screamed, and the man leaped straight in the air like a tarantula with arms flaying about, eyes rolling back in his head and then crashed back to earth. Ralphie rocked back on his heels and crawled under the bed. "I must say, Ralphie ole boy, that was a bit more than you bargained for. I think I wet my diaper. I don't think mom is going to be in any mood to change it right now. I do hate going around with wet, sagging diapers." Ralphie crawled from under the bed and appraised the situation. Louise was on the phone shouting hysterically about Jim not breathing, all the while pounding on the man's chest. "Ralphie ole boy, I think it's time for you to vamoose and find an impregnable hiding place."

***

“I guess things could be worse. I kind of miss that stupid dog, though. At least she listened to me. My new step mom is nice and they have that big backyard with the gigantic oak tree. They let me climb it too. They don't seem worried that I might run away. Why do people always think I would run away? I have it made as long as they think I am cute and harmless. That can always change if the situation arises.”