"Now, Will You Please Exit Stage Left?" #ReedsyTalk

Trigger Warning: This short story contains some Language, and Crude Phrases.

“Now, Will You Please Exit Stage Left?”

She died right here. I swear to God. This is where I found her. She was in the fetal position on the cold concrete. She was practically frozen to it. I… I watched as they removed the body. Oh my, the smell! They talk about it in the pictures, but, oh God is it awful! I had to step back. Had to catch my breath.

Do you know what happened to her?

Nope. Not yet. Waiting to hear back from the county coroner. I mean, the poor thing was pushing ninety, and she had no loved ones to speak of. Oh, you know that! No one came to visit her. No one. Not even you! So, what you’re all doing at this memorial- I don’t know. Ya wouldn’t even walk her to check the mail. She’d walk three long blocks with her walker- taking breaks- just to check her empty mailbox. Hell, I walked with her many times. To the mailbox. To the laundry room. To the office where she paid her rent and filed her weekly complaints. Yawl know how social I am. Especially with the ones who are older than me. Oh, I like to help out. I do! What makes yawl happy? Sitting on your asses watching Wheel of Fortune? Lord. You know what you ladies need?

What’s that, Pearl?

A good dicking! Right up your own keisters! Haha!

Oh, you’re pathetic. Disgusting! This is a memorial service for a good Christian woman!

A what? A good Christian woman? Wow. If you would have tried to get to know the woman, and I know it’s hard. It is! Especially around the holidays, oh, wait. Yawl don’t have any family left. Do you?

What are you trying to say, Pearl?

That you should get out! Out of your dark apartments. I mean, I’ve lived here for years, and this is the first gathering at the pavilion that I’ve seen. Sad. Pathetic. You know the only one who appreciated this pavilion besides this precious being we lost the other day? The pothead in number five.

Oh! We call him our eye candy! He always collects our trash, and takes it to that smelly, nasty, dirty, old dumpster. He’s so sharp! Even in his pajamas and robe, smoking on his front porch all day- a real dream. Oh, any girl would be lucky! My niece…

All right. All right. Don’t give yourself a hot flash. We all got eyes, too.

Hello, is this Mildred’s memorial?

Why yes! It is, you can come sit next to me.

But what if he don’t want to? You think of that? Leave the poor boy alone.

Pearl?

What?

Nothing.

Son, you’re late. We were about to wrap it up by sharing our last thoughts. You got anything you would like to say? Now would be the time.

Well, as yawl know, I’m the newest tenant here, and I walked Mildred around the complex whenever I could. Her doctor prescribed her lots of exercise. She took it seriously. I wish I had been with her out walking in the cold. I could’ve have helped her. Pearl, I’m sorry you found her the way you did.

It’s quite all right. Not my first rodeo. Oh, Christ on crutches, here comes our ruler.

Who?

The Landlord, dummy. Can’t you just pay a little attention to the world around you? And, must you show up to a memorial all… medicated? At least spray some Axe, and for the love of… use those eyedrops I gave you. Your eyes are so bloodshot, ya look like a zombie.

Sorry, Pearl.

Hey yawl! How is everybody today?

As good as can be expected considering…

Well, I hate to interrupt your little get-together, but, oh my! That is such a cute picture you got framed there of Ms. Mildred. Absolutely precious!

Isn’t it?

Why yes, Pearl! Such a fancy frame!

Yeah, yeah. Got it at a garage sale for a dollar.

Well, I’m afraid I have some… bad news. The rafters, if you’ll look up, the rafters, well, suck. Ever since that tornado swept through, well, the property owners have decided to condemn this pavilion. They want me to put up this tacky, yellow, caution tape, so no one gets hurt…

But Mildred just died here!

I know. I’m sorry, Pearl. I know you were close. You know what? How about I give yawl a little more time to show your respects. Let’s say- an hour? Then I will have to rope it off. The inspectors are coming to survey the damage, and I can’t keep them waiting over this.

What?

Wow!

Do you see now why I call her our ruler?

Pearl, I…

Oh, just spit it out! None of that stuttering bullshit.

Nothing.

Son, what you need is a backbone. Any of you dying, old sows got an extra back bone he can borrow? I’d give you one of mine, but I got cancer of the blood. Ol’ chemo’s been a lot of fun. Some say it’ll make you die faster, and some say it’s worth a shot, but I like my hair. For someone my age- it’s unusual to have such thick hair, but boy does it get hot!

I have shears. I could thin it out for you if you like.

Oh, hang your shears! I only trust one gal to touch my hair, and she’s in Maui with her new boyfriend. Been gone a month.

Maybe they got married down there?

No, they didn’t. They don’t have no bigger chance of making it than a fart has a chance at running against the wind. Do you think an ugly hairstylist is going to end up with a banker in Maui? Ain’t gonna happen. She may be ugly, but she’ll be back. She’ll be back. I hope. I hope.

Well, ladies, I’m going to head back to the apartment. Thanks for having me.

What? Are you scared? Did I run you off with my big, blabbermouth?

Ahh, no. I just have to do some more work before my deadline- tonight at eleven.

Fine, then. You go on and do that. I think you could stay a little longer. Long enough to give your final thoughts, but no! You go right on home, youngster, and you meet that all-important deadline of yours.

Pearl, be nice. He’s just a kid compared to us.

Just a kid? Just… a… kid? Why, he gets laid more than any person here. Right? Cause that’s what you told me! Getting it day and night. How do you like those happy endings?

I’m leaving. Okay? Okay, Pearl? Is that what you want? Why?

Oh, sit down. Just sit. Mildred liked you more than anyone else here. Said you made her laugh more than all her exes combined! My apologies. I just get in this way, and I pick, and pick, and pick away at people. Try to dissect them. Tear them apart!

It’s okay. I appreciate the apology. I’m going to go get back to work. Ladies, I’m sorry about this loss. So sad. So sad.

Now, see what you done? You scared him off!

Now, now. Let’s refocus…

No! I want you to leave!

Fine. I will walk away with my head held high knowing I did absolutely nothing wrong today. Just came over to celebrate Mildred. Now that I’m leaving, you all can feel free to talk about me.

Pearl…

No. No, don't! I know when and how to make an exit.

Then, please, exit to your left.