nameless

I broke my gaze as I expand my tongue on my sticky arm—licking every inch of it until I reached my elbow. I have been too preoccupied that I forgot about my dripping popsicle. And what's next? I just slurped the wooden stick until it becomes tasteless.

"Four..five..." Time flies so fast and I couldn't imagine that the calender is already at its sixth page. Summer vacation, the most awaited time of everyone—well, not me personally.

I sigh. I am currently in the garden for like three hours now. It's noon and the sun that's exactly above me intensifes the heat as it slowly devours the whole surrounding. My skin feels fiery at this moment but it doesn't bother me at all. I got sun burns on my face but only dead malice, I am actually too numb at this moment to feel anything. It's undeniably hurtful I know, but it seems like I am already used to it. Wait, I hate the drama but I am prone of being hurt.

At the middle of my random thoughts, someone from reality interrupted me. My phone rang.

"What do you want from me by this time?" I asked on the other line.

I honestly don't want to accept the phone call but the ringtone truly bothers me—or maybe my inner self just really want to hear his voice now. No.

"What are you talking about?" I asked and he also asked. What a great dialogue.

I was about to reply in a rude manner again not until I realize it wasn't him. I mean, him. Who's him anyway?

"Sorry, I thought you were—"

"Nope. Not me."

My heart trembles. I don't know if it's because of embarassment or if it's because of disappointment that he is not whom I hoped for. Not to mention, I really don't save numbers on my phone—waste of time.

"So, S-Steve it's you." I slur my words. "What's the matter?"

"I should be the one asking that. You disappear in a sudden. What happened to you?" 

I— smiled a half. How I really wish to disappear in just a snap.

By the way, I really didn't notice it's been already weeks since the last time I sniff on a fresh air. Not even able to touch our main door. I've been extremely isolated these past few days. No hangouts, no social media, no phone at all— but of course, don't ever take my laptop away from me. I could die not having a single glance on my favorite movie series.

Going back, you can't judge me. I'm not dealing with a freaking contagious disease. I just don't feel the enthusiasm of going out, like what for? The only person I want to be with is now gone. He left—and that's not right.

"I am fine, totally fine." I explained everything to Steve. Nothing to hide about. He's like my human diary, a bigger one. "Don't worry about me, okay?" 

"No, that's not okay. I know you so well."

I weakly laugh. "No you don't know me. You just know my story."

I ended the call after a few conversation. I still don't have interest engaging to other people. I mean, Steve is not "other" for me but in general. I hate it.

Listless and still sipping the piece of wood, my little pet cat came over my lap. I just stare at her for a while. Well she's still nameless but I guess she's a female. She, the kitten, slowly brushed her fur against my sun-tanned skin. I smile a little. There's a bliss in this sensation. I am really fascinated the way she cuddles me right now. Well, I don't know why but maybe because I already miss the days when someone used to flirt with me like that. 

I actually have six kittens before, but five of them were thrown away yesterday 'cause my mom don't want a lot of pets inside our house. I always cry every night for no reason at all and that even made me cry harder. I really became so fragile and sensitive. 

My eyes are still swollen because of the grief I've dealt yesterday. I felt pity—not actually for myself, but for this only cat that was left. She's now alone. 

I cracked the popsicle stick in a half and I quickly carry the kitten and hugged her tight. My eyes glimmers as my tears were about to fall again. Lucky my eyes were never been dehydrated after all.

"Are you okay?" I asked the cat, like a fool waiting for her to respond. "Don't be sad, you're no longer alone." 

I don't know if I'm still talking sense but I really saw myself in her situation. I remember the time when I had no choice but only to push the pain out of me and let everything just naturally be. And the saddest part is when we both have nothing to do. Life sucks. Things were not going to happen even how much we like it to be.

Suddenly, there is a thought that popped out inside my mind again, that sometimes there is really no other choices but acceptance. To accept the fact that someone or even something may not come our way again. We are able to repeat but in life, there is no turning back—just the memories.

We can lose anything at anytime. That's the reality. Well, maybe this cat is not aware and won't realize things like I am but I'm so sure, she could still feel the state of being incomplete.

I put the kitten down on the table, where some big drops of melted popsicle are still visible. She licked it and I can see her enjoying it's taste. I better realized we are really the same now haha.

I grab the kitten for the second time. "You! I know your story but I don't even know your name"

I smiled a little. "Okay now, I've finally decided, your name would be POPSICLE."