My Life Teacher

"We have plenty of time!” 

She said, after I failed.

It’s funny, how she would always say “us”, she had always felt close to me. 

“You can go to ‘Hites’ anytime you want. You’ve got plenty of years of school ahead of you. You don’t even have to try to get in next time, and this isn’t a failure. You will continue to learn in my theater school! That’s better anyways. You’ll have more fun!”

After I failed, I didn’t try to get in to ‘Hites’ - the school of high theater education - ever again until it was too late. I was twenty already. Two years have passed since my last chance. I was so afraid of failing again, and after all Louise always told me that I shouldn’t go there. She said that it’s not for me, that it’s better for me to stay with her. I listened, she knows me well.

Louise died a week ago.

I was at the studio, exploring the windows that observed the green trees on the mountain. She wanted the studio to be near nature. I touched the dusty glass, examining. It seemed like it was only yesterday when she told me to look through the invisible material and relax before I tried to recreate the scene again. “What would you do without me?” she said, while I was breathing heavily. Jack was waiting behind us. I don’t remember what our characters were, but Jack was very nice when I was having my panic attack, thinking I’m the worst actress ever lived.

“Are you okay?” said a voice behind me. pulling me back to the present. 

I turned around and saw Jack standing there, holding a carton box.

All of her former students were also called upon to help organize the equipment. I wasn’t a former. I had been one of Louise’s oldest students. None but me was over eighteen. I guess I couldn’t let her go.

“Yes”, I smiled. “Can I help?”

“I don’t think so”, he said. “I think her husband is gonna let us go soon”, he put the box down. It was very colorful, full of different costumes: hats, coats, pants, skirts.

I nodded.

An old man with a white beard and a black hat walked into the room. “Jack, right?” he asked and Jack nodded. “You’re one of the best helpers. Could you come to our house today and help us organize her stuff? I think she would be happy to know that one of her best students is taking care of her things.” 

“Sure”, he said. The man turned to me, probably going to ask me to come too but immediately recognizing me. Although he didn’t know me, Louise probably showed him pictures. “Rosalie”, he said, “I’m so glad to finally meet you. Heard so many good things about you. I don’t expect you to come, I think it would be as hard as it is for me to help us.” He knew I was her favorite. I was going to say I will come, but something in me said I shouldn’t. I listened. 

“Thank you, sir.” I said. “Sorry for your loss.”

He nodded and left the room. 

Surprisingly, he didn’t seem so sad.

I knew he was an actor too.

A week passed. One evening I was lying on the bed upside down. My legs touched the wall as my head was leaning on the bed. 

I heard footsteps outside of my room and then three knocks. 

“Hey, honey.” my mother said. I didn’t even look at her.

“I don’t expect you to run and dance happily, but it’s been two weeks. You need to do something with yourself.”

I sighed. “You don’t understand. No one does. Only Louise knew me.”

She exhaled aggressively. “And you know what, she’s dead. It’s been a long chapter in your life that has ended. You need to move on. It’s okay to grieve, but she won’t be the only theater teacher in your whole life. I think it’s a sign for you.”

“A sign for what?!” I shouted, looking right in her eyes. “That the only person I could rely on is dead?”

“A sign for you to move out.” She said quietly. “Rosalie, you’re twenty, goddammit. You’re not going to be in the same house for the rest of your life with the same teacher. We understood when you said you wanted to take a gap year until you go to college, but it became two now. And I swear to god, it is not going to become three.”

“I need time, mom!” I yelled. “My life teacher has just passed away!”

She looked behind me at the window. “I had always thought she kept you too close.” She turned away and exited the room.

I don’t know what I felt. 

I knew Louise wasn't going to be my teacher forever, and I didn’t want her to be. But it was so strange to say goodbye. I had always pictured myself deciding to leave when I felt ready - I hadn’t - and telling her I’m moving away to study in a higher education school, thanking her for all her work with me. But it wasn’t my decision now. It was her leaving me. I couldn’t even say goodbye myself, until it was too late. 

It was 2am and I was staring at my phone, at my first play. It was my middle school production, and the phone was showing all the actors getting ready to stand in one line and bow down. I was wearing a long black robe my mom had sewn herself. I remembered Louise not being too eager for me to star in a play. My mother was so angry because of her. That thought of Louise not supporting me made me a bit mad. At the time, I figured she thought it was too early for me. Did she really want to keep me to herself? 

No, no. It was silly. She was innocent. She was an innocent teacher who just loved her student. When I wanted to go to that school, she wrote me a recommendation letter herself. I kept staring at my phone as it showed Louise coming up to the stage while we were standing there at the end.

My phone rang.

I looked up as my eyes were trying to open wide enough so I could see the leak in the roof, which I hadn’t taken care of. 

On the screen, it said “Jack”. What does he want?

It took a few seconds until I answered it. 

“Hello…?” I said quietly. The clock showed 2pm.

“Hey, Rosalie,” he said. I heard in his voice that he was trying to smile.

He hesitated for a few seconds. 

“I don’t know how to put it, but I need to tell you something.” he stuttered.

“Okay…” I said, waiting.

“I think it’s best for you to come meet me face to face,” he hesitated until he said: “can you come to the studio…?”

I didn’t say anything.

Some part of me wanted to go there. I didn't make peace with this place.

“Yes.” I said, purposeful.

I was caressing the glass again. 

The studio was open, I didn’t have to wait for Jack to bring a key.

The trees seemed greener now, somehow. They seemed to smile at me, telling me they missed me.

“Hey.” he said. I jumped and giggled uncomfortably. 

“Why do you always do that?” 

He didn't waste time. “If you remember…” he began and then stopped. It seemed like it had taken him time until he decided he should see me. Is he going to ask me out? This thought made me smile a bit. “Last week, Louise’s husband asked me to come and organize her stuff.” He licked his lips. “He wanted me to organize all her theater related files in folders, didn’t want to get rid of it. So I did. And then…” he took out a white envelope, holding it up and staring at the floor. “I found your recommendation letter she wrote for you to ‘Hites’.” He handed me the envelope. I took it, staring at it. 

“I don’t understand. Why would you…”

“I don’t know why I opened this file.” He stopped me. “I guess I was curious, like everybody. You were her favorite. I guess I just wanted to know what she would say about you, what made you better.” He paused. “And then I read it.

“I struggled with the thought that I should give it to you. But I think you need to know.” 

I was confused. I started to open it while Jack put his hand on it and looked at me. “Just remember,” he said, “she really loved you.”

I exhaled, exhausted from his pauses and opened it fast. I took out the paper.

“Dear Hites,

I will not elaborate on Rosalie Reed. 

We are speaking of a lazy girl who isn’t ready to face a ‘high education’ school. If you will take her in, you will kick her out in just a few days.

She’s done a lot of trouble for me, but she does have talent, as you may have seen in her audition. Therefore, I will take care of her in the following years and do the hard job which will be hard for you to do, as a big school.

I don’t know if she will ever be ready and serious, but I will try.

Louise Davis.”

I shivered. My eyes got teary.

I looked up, but Jack was no longer there.

As long as she was here, 

I was never going to make it.