The peace that comes with freedom

Tonight, it would finally happen.

Ever since I was ten years old, I have only ever wanted one thing. Freedom. My soul ached for it more than anything. Today, was my 18th birthday. I heard mom calling for me from downstairs, the sound was muffled, and warped. Like something was stuck inside my ears.

I lumbered down the stairs, barely feeling the wood against my bare feet. Mom handed me something, an envelope, and smiled at me,

“Happy birthday Evelynn.”

I took it carefully and headed back to my room. Back to my cage where I harbored my pain and emotions.

I plopped on my bed, my tiny body sinking into the mattress. Opening the envelope slowly, I was surprised to see a card.

Evelynn,

Happy birthday! I wish I could be there but I can’t, happy 18, I love you.

~Dad.

Hmm, so dad had actually sent a card this year, that was a first. It didn’t matter, his card would go where all of the stuff that reminded me of him went. I stood up and dropped it in the trash can, not giving it a second look. He didn’t deserve anything more than what I gave him. It was his fault that our family was broken, his fault that I was broken.

It was more than eight years ago when it started, he lost his job. Not being able to find another one, the pressure made him snap, he didn’t know how to deal with it. So, he chose to use the most intoxicating drug that wouldn’t kill him. Alcohol.

He got drunk, too much. Almost every single day and when he got drunk, he got angry. Angry Ted Kredenza, was violent.

Lets just say, I would forever have tattoos from the pain he gave to me.

I didn’t bother changing out of my clothes, I’d been wearing the same thing for weeks.

Grabbing my keys, I left a note, a three page long note, before I slipped out of my house. Getting into my car and driving away, my tires sliding against the ice covered roads.

A million memories flooded through my head as I cruised through the town, windows rolled down. My blonde hair flowing behind me. The autumn wind should’ve chilled me to the bone, but I felt nothing.

I saw the ice cream shop, closed for the winter. The last time that I had been there was three years ago. I was almost fifteen, I went out with some friends. I tried to ignore their prying eyes, pulling my sleeves down and my collar up. Covering the warped skin underneath. I couldn’t meet their eyes, couldn’t answer the unspoken question.

Couldn’t admit that the bruises were from the hand that caressed my head as a baby. The hand that held my bike and pushed me forward. The hand that belonged to my father.

I kept driving.

Next was the playground, where I used to run wild as a kid. My feet sliding against the wood chips with ease. My hands, gripping whatever pole or handle they could. Back when the smile plastered on my face was genuine. Before the colors were sucked out of my world, and replaced with nothing but darkness.

I shook my head, tears beginning to slide down my face. I mentally apologized to my child self. Saying that I was sorry for what was going to happen to her, begging her to forgive me for not being strong enough. If only she had known that her happy, joyful life, would be over from the beginning. She didn’t stand a chance and it was my fault.

Finally, my last spot. The old parking lot across from the Oakley bridge. The parking lot that I had felt love for the first time. The same parking lot where I felt loss, real loss. Gut wrenching heart tearing loss.

“Jens you’re such a dork.”

Jensen smiled at me,

“As your boyfriend, isn’t it my job to be?”

I laughed, slapping his shoulder playfully. I shivered as the crisp wind blew threw my thin hoodie. We had the trunk of his car popped open and were sitting next to each other on it. Listening to the rushing water under the bridge. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer to him,

“We can go back into the car if you want.”

I shook my head,

“No, I’m ok.”

I should’ve said yes, we should’ve gotten in the car. I walked to the same parking spot that we used to park in every Saturday night. It’d become a tradition, after he asked me out in that very spot. I still remembered the warm feeling I got in my heart when he spoke, when he told me that I was all he wanted. The sadness and the pain was flowing from my eyes, I didn’t care to try and stop it.

We just sat in silence for a while, not uttering a word, yet somehow having a million conversations. He suddenly looked up and pointed at a star,

“That right there, is our star.”

I followed his finger, the star was small, but bright. Shining over us, like a light to lead the way. I jumped when I heard a noise, a loud noise. Someone yelling, Jensen grabbed my hand and stood up, pushing me into the trunk. I looked at him, confused,

“Jensen get in here with me.”

He shook his head,

“There’s no time, we’d have to go back to the front to get in, and they’d kill us both before we could drive away.”

My eyes widened,

“Who’s they? Kill us? Jensen get in the car.”

His blue eyes stared into my brown ones,

“Call the cops Ev, I’ll distract them until they get here.”

With that, he gently cupped my face and pressed his lips to mine.

“Stay strong, for me. I love you Evelynn.”

I put my hand on his heart,

“I love you more.”

He smiled, though his eyes were sad, cloudy with fear. Then, he shoved me backwards and closed the trunk, locking the car from the outside. I scrambled to the back seat and started pounding on the windows, screaming for him. I knew I would be muffled, but he needed to hear me, I couldn’t lose him. That was when I saw them, the Refeta gang. Known for killing innocent people on a whim, murdering for their personal enjoyment. Causing a life time of unbearable pain for others, for two seconds of their own amusement.

He was going to die.

I punched the glass, over and over, breaking my skin open. Blood streamed down my arm as I frantically searched the seats, trying to find something to break it.

“JENSEN, NO!”

I watched, in horror, as a tall man with a mask on, shoved the love of my life to the ground, and put a bullet through his chest. I screamed, it pierced the small frame of the car, making my pain echo all around me. My heart, ripping to shreds. Tears flowing faster than a waterfall. I called 911 and somehow managed to sputter out my location. Soon, I heard sirens. The gang of men ran off, and I found my weapon. A large rock in the front seat, the rock that we had engraved our names into, on our two year anniversary.

Harnessing all of the anguish that I felt inside me, I hurled the rock towards the window with every ounce of strength I could muster. The window, along with my happiness, shattered.

I could still feel the pain that I felt as I ran to his body, his breathing was shallow and ragged, his eyes were sealed shut. The cops dragged me off of him and escorted him away in an ambulance. His nerves were fried, his brain stopped functioning. He became nothing more than an empty body in a wheelchair. I stopped visiting after the first year, the pain was just… too much. I had lost him, he wasn’t coming back. That was my fault too.

Finally, I had reached the final destination. The bridge, I gripped the rail tightly and looked out over the icy water, peaceful, yet deadly. I rolled up my sleeves, examining the story written on my arm, much like the marks my father had given me. Only these ones, were self inflicted.

This was the freedom I had been waiting to find for years, and now, I would finally have it. I swung my legs over the side so I was perched on the railing. Like a feather on a scale, one wrong move would tip me over the edge, but I was ready for it, I wanted it.

Taking a deep breath, I smiled, the first genuine smile I had worn on my face, in two years. Finally, I set my eyes to the sky, looked one last time at our star, and jumped.

I felt a rush of peace fill me as I painstakingly slowly made my way downwards. It happened in a matter of seconds.

Before I could drown in my own torment, before I could finally be released from the endless struggle and pain that is life. I felt a strong hand grasp my hand, holding me to the side of the bridge like a lifeline. In the blink of an eye, I was pulled back over the railing and into strong arms.

“I thought I told you to stay strong, for me.”

Jensen.