My Never Ending Nightmare

I am trying.

Trying to remember something anything.

I can't even remember the simplest thing of all.

The date. I feel so tired. I feel so useless. I feel nothing.

My parents aren't back from their trip because they are stuck in Ireland due to coronavirus. So I am stuck all by myself doing nothing. I have to cook and clean but that doesnt make me happy. I just can't be happy. I cant have friends over, and my charger doesn't work so I cant charge my phone or get a new one because all the stores are shut down. I have to stay here lonely. That damn date I think to myself. Every day is like the last one. There is nothing to do except binge watch bad reality tv on demand or watch reruns of I love Lucy. I just can't do it anymore. I am so tired of this. I just feel depressed. I almost wanna die because my life will never get better. I can't even remember the day so I don't know if I even have school today. MY COMPUTER. I can find out the date on there I totally forgot. I race to my room and open it up. I sign in and click at the bottom where the time is. " Monday," I say to myself. Crap I have to sign on I think as I look at the time it's already 8:07. I sign on to my first class, science, and start zoning out. My regular routine now. I have no one to talk to. Next year I will be a senior and graduate but I wonder will it all just be the same.

I start to cry, I cry because I know it probably will. Nothing will change. We are still in the purple not even close to the red. There is no chance of me going back to school ever. The teacher starts talking about putting our cameras on but I don't care anymore. I hate my teachers I hate them because they don't understand. The adults think it is only affecting them but it's affecting us kids to. When the pandemic hit my grades started to slip and my mom got super mad at me but she doesn't understand. It's hard, its soooo hard. I try to pay attention but my teachers are dumb and they are all bad with technology because they are all super old. They think that it is all about them to say how hard it is and all that but they never take a chance to ask if we are ok. Then they wonder why we leave their class early or don't respond or turn our cameras on. Its because we don't wanna be here or in their class. So I am mad I am not just mad at my teachers but at the world too because they just don't care people are still going to parties and doing everything that the government is saying not to do. Even the government isn't taking their own advice. Governor Newsom was at a dinner and not wearing mask with his friends and yet he is trying too enforce us to be socially distanced and not go out yet he can't even take his own advice. It's not fair to a lot of people. I know I want to go to school but I can't because everyone else cant follow the damn rules.

I am so over school, so I leave. I don't show up to any of my other classes either because I just can't handle this anymore. I just want something to change I want something to be normal again. Nothing will ever be normal again. I have to go outside and see the world i haven't been outside in months so maybe it will be different outside. I race out of my front door and wince as the cold air hits my face. And that was the last straw. I wanna puke. I feel no different. Actually I feel worse because just because I am outside doesn't mean anything. Nothing will change just because I want it to. I am done being patient. I am done waiting. I am done with life. I am so done. I hate this, I hate feeling this emptiness. I am living in a nightmare. I am living in a nightmare that will never end. I know it will never end because it hasn't ended for a year. Why cant it just be over. I want it all to be over. I want it to end. I want to end this pain. No one will care. No one does care. I just don't know why it has to be like this. I don't want it to be like this. I am over it. I am over this life and this world. Everyone is stupid. This is so stupid. I wonder if I am stupid for thinking this. Am I. I might be but I can feel the way I feel. I want it to be over. I want it to stop lingering on. Because this is my never ending nightmare. But I found a way to end it. I am going to end it. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel like this. I hate it. I want it to stop. I need it to stop. I cant handle it anymore. I don't want to have to handle it. I don't want to keep it bottled up inside. I am done. I am done with it all. I want it to be over. I want this nightmare to be over. I want to scream, I want to run, I want to cry. I don't know what to feel anymore.

I hear a car turning the corner. I walk into the middle of the street.

I hate myself.

I hate my life.

I hate this world.

So goodbye self.

Goodbye mom.

Goodbye dad.

Goodbye world.

Goodbye.