The Words That Kill

 "You can't sing, your condition is hopeless mate!"

These words still haunt me in the middle of the night as I try to sleep in my cozy bed wrapped up in soft furry blankets. I remember the time I used to sleep on the floor of the practice room when my body refused to move because of continuous practice for hours. I was in high school when I entered a k-pop company by auditions held on a street. I guess, I was lucky enough or maybe I got selected because of my face. My classmates always used to tell me,

 "You're so attractive, Noah!". I was used to it. What I always wanted was to get recognized for my singing. Well, I used to believe I sing so good till I entered the company and showed them my singing. I was only fifteen, desperate to be an idol, wanting to be recognized by the world. I had dreams in my eyes and my hopes were so high. I was always positive about improving till I was told several times that I can't sing. My first time singing there, the manager told me,

 "Your voice is so unstable, you need to fix that." I was hopeful that I'll be better and show them what I got but I got criticized again.

 "You really need to work on your pitch, we don't have time."

My hear still aches remembering those words, not actually the words but how I was frightened at that time that they will eliminate me and I will have no place to pursue my dreams. I practiced harder and harder for months but in every monthly evaluation, they told me that they don't see hope in my improvement. In all those hard times I had a friend who was with me every time I was turned down by them. My fellow trainee, Jae. He was two years older than me but I always felt safe when he was around. We ate together at the company cafe and practiced together. We shared the same dorm, his words were always hopeful and motivating which eased the pain of being neglected by the managers and judges of our company. I always felt close to him.

 That day is printed on my heart, the day it was final evaluation for deciding the trainees who will debut. There were twenty-one trainees at that time and only six had to debut. I was pretty sure that I won't be selected. I changed a lot in two years and so do my thoughts. I now believed that my singing really isn't good. Pretty funny how you're bad at the thing you love to do the most. Trainees were really competitive for a past few days as they all wanted to get selected. Some were being trained for more than even eight years.

 It was November, 23 that day, at 8:00 am, all of us were really nervous, standing there in a line, waiting for the judges to come and listen to our final preparations and decide our fate. Jae was there beside me. We were holding hands because the ever confident and optimistic boy was also anxious today. 

 "Jae! Step forward, it's your turn." His name was called out. He anxiously took a step. I could feel by the trembling of his hand that he is shaking inside too as he let go of my hand. 

 "It's a beautiful feeling, what we got deep inside" he started singing and I was so shocked because his voice was so shaky while singing the song he was so confident in and always used to sing it in the dorms. I felt really bad for my friend as if I was in his place. He completed his song like that and he was out of breath by the end of it. Judges's reaction was also the same as other trainees. He came back and stood next to me with his head down. I slowly patted his shoulder, "You did well, Jae!" whispering in his ears. He didn't respond. I felt like he was crying. This made me even more disturbed. The next was my turn. "Noah! step forward, it's your turn." My heart skipped a beat. No, I don't want to get rejected again. My brain told me. I brought the mic closer to my mouth and cleared my throat before starting. I had prepared the same song as Jae. I sang with my eyes closed ignoring the atmosphere around me. The words smoothly came out of my mouth and I could feel that my pitch was a lot stable. Clearly, I was trying really hard. I completed it with a satisfied applause and stepped back. Awhile later it was announced that trainees must wait outside in order to wait for the final decision of judges. I walked behind Jae as all of us came out of the studio. 

 "Jae! I know they will select you, they know how good of a singer you are, it's just that you were a bit confused today." I carefully said it to him watching his eyes getting teary. As he raised his gaze I was startled to see anger in his eyes where I was expecting sadness, regret and sorrow. "No, they won't select me based on how terribly bad my performance was." He almost yelled.

"Instead, they would prefer you because of your performance, knowing I'm much better than you." My hand which on his shoulder trembled and I said, "But.. I improved a lot." I knew my voice quivered before he said the words that I could never forget when five years have passed by now.

"Oh c'mon! You can't sing sing, your condition is hopeless, mate!" Those words went through my heart like an arrow and shattered it into pieces. My legs wobbled as I tried to move away from him. Tears forming in the corners of my eyes, I tried to roll them back 'cause other guys were looking at us too. With an split of a second I turned around and left that place without looking at the regret on his face after saying those words. Later the debuting members were announced while I stood there with blank eyes. Jae was declared as the sixth and the last member to debut considering his good performance he showed for three years whereas I was given rank twelve. I wanted to laugh standing there thinking how people can change so much just for one thing they want to have. Fear of losing something makes them forget how their words are cutting like a knife. I saw people coming at me after the judges left the studio but I came out and went to my dorm. I saw two boys crying there. My tongue was comforting them but I don't clearly remember what I said. I started packing my minimal stuff into a hand carry. I wanted to leave as soon as possible. As I walked pass the cafeteria I heard the victory noises from there and how could I not recognize my best friend's voice. Maybe he didn't see me going out. I would hate it if he came after me or would he? As I look at the galaxies on the ceiling of my luxury room today I recall that day when the sky was purple. It rained so heavily as if the sky was pierced. As if the sky was also mourning my loss. Rain washed over me like a racing car and the stranger looking at me from across the street couldn't have been able to distinguish between the rain and my tears. Words unconsciously came out of my mouth and I didn't know but I was singing. Dragging my hand carry with one hand I sang uncontrollably with all my might. I poured my pain into my voice and my words became my drear. God knows how I reached my parent's house that night. My mother took a great care of me and after a whole year she was able to convince me to apply for another company and not giving up on my dreams. She used to tell me that I can accept failure, everyone fails at something but what I can't accept is not trying. She brought back the positive self of me to life. I entered another company with new spark in my eyes and passion to do something what I love to do. When I sang there for the first time, sound of the claps went on for a minute and I felt confidence building up inside me. As if I was born to get this. As if it was meant to be mine. My trainer told me that the voice I got is something that a lot of other people there have too. But there was something in my voice that caught his attention. He said that when I sing it seems like I'm speaking my emotions. My feelings are being expressed in a voice filled with sorrow. As if there are a lot of meanings hidden behind it. I smiled listening to that knowing that I got what I wanted. Within a couple of months I was popular among the trainees. They came to learn singing form me. Praises from people didn't make me as happy as I would be when I was in the previous company. I thought that maybe I'm becoming prideful and asked my mother about it. She said,

 "No little boy! You're not disdainful, it's just that now you know what your abilities are. People's thoughts and opinions doesn't matter to you. When you know your worth you neither become miserable by other's mean words nor you are filled with pride by unnecessary praises." I guess my mother is my biggest supporter and closest friend. I debuted in less than a year under that company with four amazing team mates. They are my biggest treasures. Today, as I lay in my bed thinking about all of those incidents, my heart comes at peace by reminding of how hurtful words can change you into something more self-assured and a confident person. Surely, trying is what makes you keep going. As for Jae, he called me a few days ago telling how he was sorry for everything he did or happened unintentionally. I told him not to feel sorry and thanked him telling how his words were a great motivation for me in the days of struggle. For sure, the words that kill are also the words that make you reborn into something more beautiful.