START MEETING

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MATT IS IN THE WAITING ROOM

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CONNECTING TO AUDIO

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Gayyyyyy

Hello buttnugget

How’s it going?

Not bad, you? Is your brother joining us?

My brother? Is he not yours too?

Nah. Not today. Is he coming?

Yeah he should be here soon. He’s bringing the dog and the girlfriend so he’s probably going to be late. Is the other lesbian coming?

Yeah she’s here. Putting boots on. I’m not convinced this is going to work, mum’s bad enough with technology when she’s sitting at a table using it. She’s going to have a meltdown when she loses 4G and can’t figure out what’s happened.

Ooh look at my background. I’m on the beach

Haha I’m in space. Oh...no I’m not it doesn’t like the wall behind me

Hey you’re upside down...how do you do that?

Three little dots...bottom left, video settings and then you can choose it. Turn yours and then pretend we’re normal when mum joins us. Are you at dad’s?

Yeah. Fergus wanted to bring the dog with him so we decided here was easiest.

Maybe make sure dad doesn’t appear then. That wouldn’t exactly be the family walk mum was after

He’s inside anyway I think. 

Haven’t you seen him yet?

Not yet. I’ll go in after.

Where’s the rest of your family?

They hate you so they said they’d rather do anything other than be here.

Oh. Fair enough. Here we go...message from mum. She can’t work out the meeting password thing.

What a surprise.

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SARAH IS IN THE WAITING ROOM

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CONNECTING TO AUDIO

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Why can’t I see you?

Just wait a second.

Oh there you go. Hello darlings

Hi mum

Hi mum

Why are you both upside down? What’s going on?

We aren’t.

We’re not. You are though.

Turn your phone round

Nope that’s just flipped the whole lot round, you’re still upside down.

Huh. Weird

You’re upside down for us

Why are you smirking? What have you done? You’re messing around again aren’t you I know you all think I’m just an old woman who can’t use technology-

Because you can’t

- stop being mean.

Fine

Fine.

Where’s Fergus? Isn’t he coming?

He’ll be here in a minute. He’s got the dog. And Elle. Probably had to wait for her to do her nails.

Don’t be like that she’s not that bad

Yeah Matt. Don’t be mean to your brother. Anyway I’ve seen how long it takes your girlfriend to put her face on

True. 

Stop being so horrible you two. Sophie is lovely and she always looks beautiful.

You’ve changed your tune. You should hear what she says about Sophie when you’re not around Matt. Vicious, she is.

Oh shut up you know I’m not.

Don’t worry mother dearest I know she’s just jealous because her girlfriend won’t let her do anything.

She only untied me this morning *sniff*

I most certainly do not need to know about that, thank you. 

She should be so lucky

Er...I have a much better sex life than you thanks 

Probably. I think I’ve got a pretty good excuse at the moment though.

Oh yeah how is little Moonbeam?

Moonbeam??

Yeah it’s what he’s going to call his kid, didn’t he tell you?

You’re not naming my baby

Why, I’m excellent at naming things. I don’t know why you didn’t like anything on my list

Quiche

Not the worst name out there.

No. You always got to name everything when we were kids anyway

Your names were terrible that’s why

One of your lambs was called Lamb

Until you renamed it Hamlet

Hamlet suited him. 

Whose side are you on?

No one’s, don’t be ridiculous.

Anyway we’re not going to tell anyone what we decide until she’s born

That’s fair enough darling. How is Sophie?

She’s ok, bit tired. That’s why she’s not here today. She says hi though.

Oh well give her my love won’t you

I will. Fergus just got here. Oh great hi dog. Ew you’re muddy, get down!

Haha call yourself a farm boy.

Are we all ready then?

Hang on I need to put my boots on. I’m just going to put you down for a sec.

Ok love. Sam come on! We’re going!

What?

Not you, I was telling Sam to get ready. He’s sat in the other room watching some car porn or something

Car porn?!

Yeah you know he watches videos of cars on youtube all the time.  Car porn.

I don’t think that’s what porn is, mum

Of course you wouldn’t have any idea would you?

Exactly. I am a good boy. Are you going to manage taking your phone with you?

What do you mean? My hands will still work outside, yes.

No I mean you’ll need to swap to data instead of wifi so we don’t lose you

I’ll get Sam to do it, I’m sure he’ll know

Wouldn’t bank on it, he’s pretty old too.

Charming. I love you too.

I know. Ok I’m ready. Let’s do this...the first family walk via video. Shall we take bets on how long we’ll last before we all lose signal?

Oh we don’t have to do it if you think it won’t work. I just wanted to see you all and I miss our walks so much.

It’ll be fine mum, she’s just being awkward

Yeah come on I was messing around, it’ll be great.

Ok then. Everyone ready? Got girlfriends and dogs and boots? Let’s go.

Say hello to Fergus. He finally got his arse out the car.

Hello darling, hello Elle.

Cockwombles.

Excuse me?

You heard. It’s my new name for them. Don’t look at me like that, you should hear what they call me. I’m pretty sure none of them even know my name any more, I’m just “lesbian” to them all.

It’s true

I didn’t say it wasn’t. But you can’t complain about my names for you.

I wasn’t, mum was.

No I wasn’t, I think it’s quite a sweet word actually.

It was either that or twatbadger. 

I prefer cockwomble.

Lift it, that one sticks.

What?

I was telling Elle she needed to lift the gate, it doesn’t swing.

Oh. Are you at your dad’s?

Yes.

Why do you think the gate doesn’t work properly?

I didn’t want to say it. Oh look at the leaves on that tree! They’re such a beautiful colour!

Can’t see it mum, turn the camera round.

How...wait I know how to do that. There you go.

Mum what is Sam wearing??

That’s his new hat...he loves it.

He looks like he’s got his head stuck in a bear.

Yes well...it keeps his ears warm. Anyway you’re supposed to be looking at the tree, not laughing at my husband.

Oh beautiful tree mum

Shut up.

What? It’s lovely

You’re making fun again

Horrible child.

Kate where are you walking?

Just the park near our house. It’s nothing special but it’s close by.

What are they?

What?

Sculptures?

Oh. Don’t know, just some big shapes. Modern art right?

They’re lovely. 

You can see them for real when you’re allowed to come and visit

Whenever that is. I feel very far away from you all at the moment

It’s because you are

Idiot.

I know, and I know I chose it but I miss you all so much

It’s not forever mum, we’ll see you soon. We all want a free holiday anyway

I know that’s the only reason I see you all.

Don’t be silly, we like to see the dogs as well

Thanks darling.

You’re welcome. Oh, except Fergus has his own now so he doesn’t need to come down.

Fergus says he misses you and he’ll bring the dog with him on his free holiday

I wish you could all be here

What, you mean the traditional holiday walk via video chat isn’t doing it for you?

Not really the same is it. I just wish - knew when - you

What?

You’ve gone all crackly mum, we can’t hear you

I wish - see you

You wish you knew when you could see us? She’s gone.

Give her a minute, you know what the signal is like.

We should organise to go down when we can travel

What happened with your flights you couldn’t take?

In July? They let us change the dates but it has to be within a certain time I think

Well we should find a time when we can all go together. Ask Ferg and Elle when they can do.

Will do. They’ve gone to find the ball for the dog, he’s not very good at fetch yet.

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SARAH IS IN THE WAITING ROOM

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CONNECTING TO AUDIO

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Sorry I don’t know what happened

Crap signal?

Probably. What did I miss?

We were talking about trying to come down some time. Can you give us some dates when you’re free?

You can come whenever you like, you know that

It’d be nice if you don’t have to be working for all of it though

Well I’ll have to see what’s going on. We’re back now. Shall I put the kettle on?

Wouldn’t say no to a cup of tea. Got some cake?

Have you met me? Of course I do. I’ll send it over.

Mmmm mouldy.

You’re mouldy

Your mum is mouldy

Thank you darling

Any time. We’re home too now

And us. We should probably go say hi to dad since we didn’t earlier.

Ok well I’ll leave you all to it. Thank you for humouring me

It was fun

Even though we lost you for a chunk of it

We should have another game night soon. With Sophie too if she’s up to it.

Let us know when you want to do it

Ok darlings, talk soon. Love you all so much. Bye Fergus, bye Elle

They say bye

Bye mum

Bye

Bye

Bye

How do I leave the meeting?

I’ll just end it. Bye

Bye

Bye

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END MEETING FOR ALL

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