RNJ

Newsflash – June 16^th, 2024, Dateline: Verona, Wisconsin—

16-year-old Romeo Montague and 14-year-old Juliet Capulet were found dead today in the parking lot of Verona High School, the result of an apparent suicide pact. Texts of their final moments were found on the star-crossed lover’s iPhones but not released to the public. Funeral services are pending. In lieu of flowers the families are asking donations to be made to Suicide Prevention Hotline of Verona.

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 (Transcript from Juliet Capulet’s iPhone. Property of Verona Homicide Dept.)

Romeo: FTT?

Juliet: No. PAW.

Romeo: IDC. Your parents don’t scare me.

Juliet: FYI My dad would see me unalive if he knew we were texting.

Romeo: PLS?

Juliet: W8. BBIAS.

Romeo: Don’t be long.

Juliet: Dad’s GFN. WAG1?

Romeo: Just want to say URA QTPI.

Juliet: U think URA rizzler? AI.

Romeo: BLATES. JSYK, UR Verona High’s hottest cheerleader.

Juliet: LOL! YGTR.

Romeo: I wanted to ask U to the prom BAE.

Juliet: SRSLY? 

Romeo: For reals.

Juliet: ICYMI, URA Montague.

Romeo: IK. N URA Capulet.

Juliet: I guess a rose by any other name would still smell, but not like Axe Body Wash.

Romeo: ROFL! Now, that’s DISS.

Juliet: LOL.

Romeo: I dunno why our parents hate each other so much.

Juliet: URZ are MAGA.

Romeo: URZ are WOKE.

Juliet: Totally PEAK.

Romeo: ADIH. SUX.

Juliet: Hell? YGTR.

Romeo: So, YAV?                                                

Juliet: SRY, not available. Paris already asked me 2 prom.

Romeo: WTF? NO CAP? Paris? He’s like totally G.

Juliet: My parents insist. They see it as a LTR.

Romeo: IDGAF. UR going with me. ILY. I’m climbing up your balcony to get you.

Juliet: LMAO. UR Kray-Kray!

Romeo: SRSBSNS. I’m looking at you now, “WTF's that bright light in that window? OMG! It’s Juliet, like the sun, making the moon jealous 'cause she’s way more lit."

Juliet: ROFL! Now UR just SIMPING.

Romeo: HELLA. ILY.

Juliet: OMG! I don’t believe it.

Romeo: FR.

Juliet: Not U! Paris just sent me a SC.

Romeo: Snap Chat?

Juliet: FR! A dic-pic!

Romeo: SOB! DO U mean 🍆🍒? (IYKYK.)

Juliet: IK! DAFUQ. That’s total DISS.

Romeo: I’m going to kick his A.

Juliet: Not B4 me! W8 until I tell Tybalt!

Romeo: GMAB. I don’t need UR cousin’s help.

Juliet: EZ. Tybalt wants to kick UR ass 2. He H8S U.

Romeo: Let him try. I got SWAG to take them both on.

Juliette: PROLLY. I'm you're number 1 STAN.

Romeo: It HITS DIFFERENT when it comes 2 U.

Juliet: IK. I'm you're GF. LET THEM COOK. U N Me R going to prom.

Romeo: KEWL! UR FIRE!

Juliet: N UR the GOAT.

Romeo: I’m going to score some Molly from Mercutio for the after party. YOLO!

Juliet: UR just hoping we be FWB. Remember, UR the LOML❤️! MWAH!💋

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(Transcript from Romeo Montague’s iPhone. Property of Verona Homicide Dept.)

Romeo: Mercutio, trying 2 get X or MOLLY ASAP. 4 prom.

Mercutio: I heard the stuff Tybalt has is SUS. Let me check with Benvolio.

Romeo: LMK. I’m FINNA look around.

Mercutio: Benvolio’s got X or GHB if U want 2 make a night of it.

Romeo: X! NLT.

Mercutio: JK. Go EZ on the stuff, OK?

Romeo: BLATES! Let’s M.I.R.L. at the SKL parking lot. THX, TTYL.

Mercutio: YW, OMW.

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(Transcript from Juliette Capulet’s iPhone. Property of Verona Homicide Dept.)

Juliette: RRWFATR?

Romeo: OMW. ETA 7pm.

Juliette: Wait until U see the dress Nurse made me. EPIC!

Romeo: CW 2 CU in it, CW 2 CU out of it 2!

Juliette: SMH. U expecting SEGGS? DYOR.

Romeo: U R my dream.

Juliette: N UR my BFF.

Romeo: CUINAMIN.

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(Transcript from Romeo Montague’s iPhone. Property of Verona Homicide Dept.)

Romeo: Mercutio, ANSWR UR phone! WTFRU?

Mercutio: WAZZUP?

Romeo: WTFU give me, man!? U said it was MOLLY! Juliette took 2! She ain’t breathing, man!

Mercutio: FU! I didn’t do nothing, GYAT! Benvolio sold me ‘em!

Romeo: A curse on both your houses!

Mercutio: IDK! Maybe they’re laced with Fentanyl! Get her to the hospital man, STAT!

Romeo: I can’t hear her heartbeat. I can only hear mine and it’s breaking.

Mercutio: Dude, get ahold of URSELF. Call 911!

Romeo: It’s too late she’s dead! I can’t go on living without her.

Mercutio: DBS. Think!

Romeo: 2L8. I washed the rest of the pills down with a 20 OZ. Yeungling. Here's to my love! O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus, with a kiss I die. CYA.

Mercutio: W8 a SEC. Delete these messages first! Romeo?

Mercutio: Romeo?

Mercutio: Romeo?

Mercutio: FML.

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(Transcript from Juliette Capulet’s iPhone. Property of Verona Homicide Dept.)

Juliette: OMG! Nurse! 

Nurse: What’s wrong Juliette?

Juliette: I must’ve been asleep. I woke up in Romeo’s car to find he OD’d.

Nurse: Are you sure he’s dead? What do you see?

Juliette: What's here? A pill bottle, closed in my true love's hand. An empty can of Yeungling.

Nurse: Call 911.

Juliette: It’s too late for that. He's gone. FML. I found a garden hose in his trunk. O happy tailpipe! This is thy hose; there is exhaust and let me die.

Nurse: Juliette! Stop! You have everything to live for! Don’t do this!

Juliette: I already told Romeo my bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite. GTG.

Nurse: Juliette! No!

Juliette: Me…thinks… me feeling very drowsy indeed.

Nurse: I’m calling 911! Juliette!

Nurse: Juliette, answer me!

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(Transcript from Nurse's iPhone. Property of Verona Homicide Dept.)

Nurse: Tybalt, I have terrible news.

Tybalt: I heard. I just left the Capulets and I am on my way over to inform the Montagues.

Nurse: They were so young.

Tybalt: IK. I shouldn't have been so hard on the kid.

Nurse: Don't blame yourself. This is just a tragedy, for never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo. 😭

Nurse: Let me know if I can do anything.

Tybalt: OK. THX. TTYL.

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