Mirror Mirror

Most girls dream of their wedding day. The flowers, the food, the dress, the groom; all of it is usually planned out by the age of six, though the details may change some over the years. Most girls act this day out with their friends on the playground at school or in the backyard at their houses because they want to get it exactly right. They get it all figured out, right down to the honeymoon.

              Not me. I have always dreaded it; it all sounded so awful to me. I was an awkward child and never enjoyed having the spotlight. The thought of all those eyes on me was terrifying. Throw in the fact that my self-esteem would equal that of a deflated balloon, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

              I struggled a lot with self confidence as a child. Some of my relationships with the adults in my life were less than positive; one in particular. This person made me feel so small; nothing I could ever do was right and nothing about me was worth celebrating. If I ate too much, I was reminded that I was looking chunky for my age. If I put my hair up a certain way, I was reminded that it made my head look large. When I smiled, I was reminded of the “unfortunate” gap between my teeth. I hated myself.

              I would look in the mirror and pick everything apart. The lips? Too thin. The teeth? You could drive a semi-truck through the gap. The hair? Frizzy and thick. You name it, I hated it. Every day, I would tear myself to shreds and all my insecurities would be confirmed repeatedly. It got to the point where this person’s voice was in my head all the time, ripping me apart.

              Imagine my surprise when I met Josh and he found me attractive and interesting.  When he proposed, I was even more shocked. How could someone want to spend the rest of their life with me? I tried to push those fears and that voice aside as much as I could as the date of our upcoming wedding drew nearer and nearer. There was nothing anyone could say to convince me otherwise; this was going to be a complete and utter disaster.

***** The Day of the Wedding******

“All right, you ready?”

              I took a deep breath and steadied myself as I turned around to face the mirror, eyes closed so I wouldn’t ruin the surprise.

              “Okay honey, open your eyes,” I heard my mom say, and I opened them.

              I was stunned into silence. I barely recognized the woman who was staring back at me. It almost seemed impossible; there was no way we were the same person. I was beautiful. For the first time in my life, I could look at my reflection without finding a single flaw.

              My hair was pulled back into a long fishtail braid with small daisies down the length of the entire braid and it was tied with a beautiful yellow ribbon to match the daisies in my hair and bouquet. I had just recently had my hair colored, and all the different browns and blondes swirled together, creating a light golden effect that made my hair look like it was shining. My makeup was soft and simple, and yet so elegant; red lips, long beautiful eyelashes, and light golden glitter on my eyelids with just a touch of eyeliner.

              My dress fit me like a glove. It was form-fitting and lace from head to toe; something I would have never expected myself to pick in a million years. The first time I tried it on, I was expecting to absolutely despise it, but the way it made me feel when I put it on and stood in front of those mirrors told me it was the one. When the light caught it exactly right, it sparkled like a million little diamonds, and it made me feel amazing.

              Looking in that mirror on my wedding day, for the first time in my life, I did not hear her voice in my head telling me everything that was wrong with me and my dress. No voice telling me my shoulders were too broad, my hips too wide, my arms too large. That nagging feeling I got whenever I saw my smile in pictures never came as I beamed at my mom; I forgot that gap in my teeth was even there. I could not wait for everyone else to see me.

              I found myself looking into a mirror whenever I could. I just couldn’t help but stare at the strange woman who was looking back at me; she didn’t seem real. Pictures were taken that I look back on now and I can see the glow; the happiness was radiating from me like the sun. The best part was when Josh turned around and saw me for the first time.

              Just like you see in all the cute home videos on the Internet, he burst into tears when he saw me standing there at the end of the aisle. By the time I reached him at the altar, his face was red and the front of his shirt was wet from tears. He could barely get through the vows, and he couldn’t take his eyes off me the entire time. It felt amazing.

              So many people had tried to convince me that I was beautiful all my life. My mom, my friends, even Josh. I could never believe them because I could not see what they saw. All I could see was the flaws that I had been made so cruelly aware of so long ago and seeing past that was impossible for me. Until that night.

              That night, when my husband took me out on the dance floor for our first dance, I could feel everyone watching me and I didn’t get anxious. I smiled for all the pictures, even the selfies that I was trying to escape. I ate as many pieces of my cake as I wanted because I didn’t care how many calories were in it or what part of my body it was going to cling to.

              That night, for the first time in an awfully long time, when my husband whispered in my ear and told me I was beautiful, I believed him.

              Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who’s the fairest of them all?

              That would be me.