Present

Why won’t Ivette just shut up?

 Lauren thought to herself. Lauren never sucked up to Ivette and was never truly considered a member of the team. 

This zoom meeting will never end! 

If it wasn’t a pandemic, she would be in the office and could just sit at her desk avoiding the meeting altogether. She was sure Ivette preferred it that way. Lauren would roll her eyes at the way Ivette preached about her devotion to her religion, which, in Lauren’s perspective, had no business in their meetings. Ivette was rambling on and Lauren had an odd sense of eyes on her.

Shit.

 Her mind was wandering.  Did she miss something? Nope, just Ivette referring to herself in the third person by first and last name, the meeting was looking to wrap up finally covering the day’s plan for production. 

What an odd sensation?!

The feeling of being watched was still with her. Besides her cat Otto snoozing on the couch, she lived alone in a one bedroom apartment. She was unnerved and cranky. 

Thank god the meeting ended. 

She would get more coffee and tackle her emails that were starting to pile up. Lauren walked the short distance from her card table desk into the kitchen and began to fix the coffee pot. These last few months had been a struggle. 

Last year at this time, she had been happy. She had been in love. He was everything she ever wanted.  The way he said her name with that soft southern accent was enough to have her head over heels in love with him. He would call her baby and she would do just about anything for him. That was the start of the manipulation. 

Baby, how could a single word cause her so much grief? She thought of him. She thought of their private jokes and innuendos. She thought of the text Mark sent destroying her world, their world, and their plans for the future. Reality, it was her plans for the future. He had chosen another path. He had lied to her and to that other woman. That other woman still chose to be with him. How could both women have been so blind? Lauren wasn’t blind she was ignorant. She chose to ignore the signs. She chose to not speak up. She chose to look the other way. Then there was the accident. Mark was gone. So many questions left unanswered. So many repeating thoughts left to run across her mind. At least there was a grave site to visit, if, she ever made her way south to Nashville. That crash dashed her hope that they could put the past behind them. That crash ended her new dreams. 

A tear trickled down her cheek like so many countless mornings in these past eight months. He was dead and she was going through the motions of being alive but not really living. She had visited supposed psychics to bring about some sort of closure or reassurance she had done the right thing. It all ended the same; she was alone and still pondering their relationship and the events that lead to the accident. Her coffee had finished brewing. Lauren snapped out of the grief cloud and fixed her cup. Her salted caramel mocha creamer was the one indulgence she allowed herself. She had lost her appetite. She lost her joy of cooking and going out. What was the point of living in Chicago if she never left her apartment much anymore? Even her mug with the outline of the state of Wisconsin and a few cow’s behinds imaged below the slogan “Wisconsin, come smell the dairy air” failed to cheer her anymore. A simple play on words and a cheap souvenir she picked up on their camping trip following the IL and WI state parks along Lake Michigan.

Her computer started the instant message dinging.  

Sigh, back to work. 

She sat down to read her messages and the feeling of being watched didn’t go away. It was uncomfortable. She looked out her second story window. Through the trees she saw a man wearing a black and grey baseball cap but what was the logo? She lowered her head to adjust her line of sight.  She recognized the circle with the flames coming out the top, and the “T” inside the circle. Just like him, just like Mark, Titans logo and all. The logo stuck out. It was his favorite team and not common on these city streets. She tried to get a better glimpse through branches of a Norway maple. The glare from the summer sun created an additional impediment to her sight. So many guys looked like him. In the past months she saw him everywhere only to be disappointed when she scrutinized closer and saw it was not him. Mark was dead. Lauren had blocked several friends on Facebook whose husbands looked like Mark. She was trying to keep her sanity and to stop dwelling which failed miserably. 

Who is this guy? Why is he just standing there? This is residential no bus stop not even a corner. What the hell?

Lauren stood up and walked to the other side of the make shift desk to gain a different perspective out of the picture window. She saw the man look up. It was him. It was his smile.  Her unease at feeling eyes on her began to be replaced by confusion. She was certain. Lauren stumbled slightly and bumped the card table hard. Her coffee spilled over the edge of the mug covering the cows for only a moment. He began to walk west toward Lincoln Ave with that all too familiar gait and swagger. 

She righted herself. He was behind the trees. Lauren sprinted towards the door, slipped on a pair of walking shoes, and fumbled with the locks to open it. Once in the hall, she started quickly towards the stairs. 

Fuck!

 Her keys and her face mask were on top of the dresser next to the door. At least it was a coherent thought. Her mind was just a jumble and at least grabbing her keys made sense. She hadn’t heard the click of her door. It had an automatic lock a key was always needed. Quickly, she turned back to the door and half jumped half dove to catch it before the door closed and locked her out. 

Lauren grabbed the keys and her face mask that had an image of a yawning cat’s mouth printed on the front. This time she ran down the stairs without her usual double check of the door closing and locking. As she exited her building she turned right and started running toward Lincoln Ave. She kept glancing across the street to spot him. There were a few pedestrians out some in masks some not. The street was not crowded.  There was a man ahead. Black tee shirt and jeans with a black baseball cap. 

Could that be him? 

He turned right on Lincoln Ave only a block ahead of her. She was focused and worried about closing the gap. She tripped. The pavement of the sidewalk was even and her foot caught. Down she went. A jogger coming up behind her stopped.

“Are you okay?” The jogger’s face was the picture of concern. Lauren could only imagine how she looked. Grey yoga capris with a button down white shirt. At least her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and not the usual disheveled mess. Her hair did not handle humidity well and she had wanted to look somewhat put together for the morning meeting. After all, they only saw her top half on the screen.

“Yes, thanks just clumsy.” She managed to stammer out as she pulled herself into a kneeling position.   She calmed herself with a few deep breaths. Then she picked up her mask which had been forced out of her hand when she fell. Luckily it had landed next to her, her keys were a few feet ahead.  “I was trying to catch up to my friend.”  The jogger gave her a quizzical look and said “I hope you catch up.” With that the jogger moved on. Lauren finally stood. She took a deep breath. 

Mark. I need you. Is that you? I’m coming. 

Lauren picked herself up and proceeded to the corner. She turned right and no longer saw Mark. She walked briskly more fully aware of her surroundings and the throbbing in her knee. The square was just a few blocks ahead. Maybe he is there on a bench by the fountain. 

Why would Mark be there? He hated the city. 

Lauren trudged on. Her thoughts thinking only of him and the times they spent together. The phone calls. The “yes baby” whispered so honey like and impeccably timed. 

That accident though, it happened didn’t it?

Lauren knew it happened. She felt it. She heard it. She saw it in her mind over and over again. Friends had called her whispering condolences, asking if she heard, asking if she was going to be okay. As if they only knew the full truth.   She read and reread the obituary for days and weeks after the funeral.

Passing a branch of the library Lauren looked in each window hoping for a glimpse of him. He would listen to audio books but he was not the type to sit down and turn pages. He was not there. She continued to proceed north. Past the different shops, the cupcake store, not open delivery only. Empty fronts, this pandemic hit small businesses hard, past the frozen yogurt store with the screen door and a slot to exchange money and cups of yogurt. No more dining in. She walked past the coffee house. He hated coffee but still she glanced in. Keeping her pace and looking in each of the stores, she looked for him. She was now at the square. Benches aligned the fountain but were unpopulated. Mark was not there. Her thought was to finish walking the store fronts on the east side and cross to the west side to see if he was there. 

Lauren could not determine what was driving her to look. Fear? Surprise? Hope? She kept on. No signs of Mark. He disappeared after turning the corner. 

Where would he go? Was it even him? Why didn’t he wait for her?

Lauren was certain it was him. It was just a gut feeling. What should she do now? She never met his family. She was his secret. She never questioned why she never met them. She just allowed herself to be swept away by the emotion and by his words. Maybe she should reach out see if there was anything they could tell her. 

The sun was strengthening in the sky. She could feel the heat rising to match the humidity. It was still only mid-morning. Lauren began the walk back to her apartment. With each step, she felt herself deflate. It was not him. How could it be him? He was dead. He was buried. She had questioned whether or not he actually had loved her and began that train of thought now. Still she kept looking for him in each person she passed on the streets. No sign of him. 

Confused and deflated she had finally reached her building. Why did she grab her mask? It was a new habit now fully ingrained in her. The door to the building wasn’t locked. It never was. She really needs to find a new place. 

A fresh start to maybe reinvent herself and to try to live an actual life.

 Lauren made it to the staircase and began a slow ascent. She was tired and sweaty. The adrenaline and fear had started to dissipate. As she ascended the stairs she began to notice a peculiar odor, it was a combination of earthy and almost rotten. 

Now who’s cooking what? I would not eat that whatever it is. 

She reached the second floor and began to walk towards her apartment. Her door was ajar. That was odd. Her door usually shut whenever she left. She usually took the moment to check the lock but not this time.

 Had it got caught on something? 

She proceeded more cautiously. That weird smell was becoming stronger. 

Oh no did Otto escape? 

The thought of Otto spurred her on. She pushed open the door and stepped inside. There by her window was Mark. He was facing her door. The awful smell stronger now. The door slammed closed behind her and she heard.

“Miss me, baby?”