Just One Hundred Dollars

"So, what's the catch?" I asked.

"There isn't one," he replied.

"I'm feeling like there's something you aren't telling me."

"No, no. I've told you everything. You give me one hundred dollars a month, and I invest it for you. At the end of the year, you will have thirteen-hundred dollars in your account with me."

"Okay, that's what you're telling me. But what if you make more than one hundred dollars in interest?"

"There isn't any guarantee that I'll make anything. I'm taking on all the risk, and you get all the assurances."

"But with the way interest rates are going up these days, I could conceivably make more if I just invested the money into a money market certificate, couldn't I?"

"No. Even if the savings rate were to increase to ten percent, you wouldn't make one hundred dollars if you're only depositing one hundred dollars a month, right?"

"Hmmm."

"Come on. You know it's a good deal. You have a guarantee of money, and..."

"But if you find some hot stocks, you could make a lot more than me. In many ways, I feel like I'm funding your addiction to the market. Hey, for all I know, you've got a bunch of people lined up to be a part of this, and you could potentially make a ton of money, and I only get one hundred," I interrupted.

"Okay. You're right. I could make a lot more money, but I also could lose a lot of money, right?"

"Yeah, you could."

"And, like we just discussed, a bank is the only other place where you will get a guarantee. But you can't make one hundred dollars in the year if you only deposit one hundred dollars a month."

"I don't know. I just know I'm getting screwed somehow. I mean, you haven't exactly been the most reliable person over the years. Remember the worm idea?"

"Jesus...you really had to go far back for that one. We were just kids. I honestly believed that we could make a lot of money if we got those buggers to multiply. The old man at that tackle shop would buy as many worms as we could bring him. Remember the day we made twenty-five dollars?"

"Yes, I do. I spent most of the day before digging around in the mud, and my mother almost killed me when I got home. I had to give her my share of the money to pay for the pants I ruined."

"But we're not kids anymore, and your mother isn't going to scold you for this investment, right?"

"That's not nice. My mother died three years ago."

"I'm sorry. I forgot about that. But really..."

"Okay, okay. You want me to give you one hundred dollars today, and then on the tenth of every month for the next year, I'm going to give you another one hundred dollars, right?"

"Yup. And then, on the tenth of the thirteenth month, instead of you giving me money, I'm going to give you thirteen hundred dollars."

"Wait. So, you will have my money for over a year. That gives you an entire year PLUS a month to make money from my money."

"I guess if you want to see it that way."

"I do want to see it that way. So, here's a counteroffer. I will give you one hundred dollars for the next year on the tenth of the month. Then on the tenth of the thirteenth month, you'll give me fifteen hundred dollars."

"Oh. Now I see the catch. You want to be guaranteed over a thirty-three percent return."

"Yes, I do. I know you have something else going on where you are going to make a lot of money. You've always been the operator. I won't ever forget that it was me who dug up all the worms, and you got half the money."

"So, we're back to that, are we?"

"Yes. It's a statement about your character. You only do something or suggest something if YOU are going to come out ahead. I'm willing to bet that none of the money you're going to use in this plan comes from your pocket, does it?"

"That's for me to know."

"See, you're just always scheming. You scheme, and the rest of the world supports your plans. And then, when the plan falls apart, you find some way to back out of the deal. For all I know, I'll never see any money next year."

"Hey, that's not fair."

"But it IS a possibility, right? There was another time when we were in college when you disappeared for almost six months after you borrowed five-hundred dollars from me. And then, I was so relieved that you weren't dead, I forgot all about the loan."

"Hey. I didn't just disappear. I had to leave town. Those drug dealers were really mad when I tried to cut in on their territory."

"But you never told me that you were going to use MY money for a drug deal, did you?"

"No, I guess I didn't."

"You don't guess, you know. And you know that everything you do always has some kind of shade on it. You are just a two-bit con man."

"Ouch, that hurt. Do you really think that about me?"

"Yeah, I guess I do. I think you need help. Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist?"

"Sure, I was seeing a therapist for quite a while. She was hot. We had some great times."

"No, you idiot. I mean seeing someone on a professional level. Someone who could help you figure this out. And I guess it needs to be a guy."

"Well, maybe."

"I really think it would be a good idea. You might get to the bottom of what it is that makes you such a bad friend. I mean, we've been friends since we were five years old, and you've only screwed me over whenever you come up with some brain-haired idea."

"You're right. I'll go to a therapist. So, could you lend me one hundred dollars to pay for it?"