leave me

“do you ever feeling like floating away?”

“what do you mean?”

“I mean like leaving and diving into abyss” I looked into his eyes. The pools of green blue were no where to be found. It was as if they had been replaced by rage and confusion.

“don’t ever say that again”

“say what my mind. I am sorry I was let you into my deepest and vastest parts, I am sorry I want someone to talk to. Because you know what I am tired of drowning in my thoughts. I am sorry that they suffocate me. Sorry I was just trying to breath. I was just trying for once not to drown because I wanted to feel light, I just want to normal. I don’t want to think about what would happen If I was ever able float away into nothing. I just want to be present in life for once. Just one time I want to feel the entire extend. Not just a taste, I want everything. My thoughts are a well and whenever I feel something it’s because it got put into my oceans, but I am tried. I’m tried my tasting watered down life. You know what I’m sorry to dump this on you, but I can’t hold on anymore. I am sick from trying to protect people from the flood, but you know what I don’t care. I am opening the flood gate. I am letting out.”

“no matter what I still love you”

“ha, no matter what. This is me can’t you see. I am throwing away my mask. I am done with charades. This is me. I am a monster. I am a bomb.”

“again, I love you.”

“really you love a storm. who hate everything and everyone? You love a monster. Who enjoys killing dreams and hope of children? You love someone who lives for death. You love someone who almost only thinks about death. No, you loved her. The old me.”

“she’s not died, you and her are one in the same”

“no, we aren’t. stop, you are comparing me to her. I am not her. She was never even alive. She was made up. She didn’t exist. You made her up, and I made her up. She was nice. I have no heart. She was caring I am selfish. I am sorry I played you, but I am not her, so if you stick around don’t expect her to show up ever again. If you want to be with me, we start over because you don’t know if you love the new me.” He looked heartbroken or like a kicked puppy. I can’t decide which. I turn around to leave as he calls out.

“stop being scared. Stop acting as if you have no heart, it’s not a weakness. You aren’t cold. You know how I know because. I know you. I know you. You and her are one in the same. You are the same. Because my penny says things like that. My penny thinks she is awful. But she isn’t. she is cold when she feels like it. And sometimes penny, you are my sun. you lighten my world. Without you I am like a plant I will slowly die.so don’t leave me. Don’t leave me here.” I don’t know when I started crying, but my soul hurts. It hurts as if I have been waiting for those words my whole life. Like I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I’m not a monster. Like all I need was just someone who actually chose to believe in me. Someone who wasn’t force to. Like he was the key I have been looking for the whole time. I have never felt something this strong. I know the reason I can feel this strongly is because he emptied my well.

“Joshua, I love you. I love you threefold. I love you seven hundred folds.” The tears keep coming.” You are what I needed no matter how I push you away. You are the only person who has ever brought me back to earth. You make me want to live, and because of that I will always push you away, so it doesn’t hurt when you leave me. Because that pain would rip me apart. You would rip me to my core raw. Do you understand how you hurt me by standing there, because I have never been able not to dwell on what hasn’t happened yet. I can’t stop picturing you walking out of my life. Walking away from me.”

“penny I wouldn’t ever leave you I promise. Because I love you infinity”

“fine you might not choose to leave me, but what if you die. What happens then isn’t that worst. Worst than leaving me. Because you will eventually. I will say it again I love you threefold. I love you seven hundred folds. But for the sake of everything I will not open myself up to that kind of pain.”

“if you really love me. You would think about me for once. Think about me. What if I don’t want you to leave. What about me”

 “well what about you?” I scream am no longer crying but dying. He rips me apart until I give. I can’t get rid of him.

“you know why we can’t be together to.”

“none of that matters”

“it all matters. You know how racism my dad is”

“I don’t care as long as I am with you”

“well I care”

“please stop running from me. Just stop and let me hold you”

“well what if I don’t want to be held”

“we all need someone to lean on, and no don’t act like your all big and strong. Don’t act like you’re to go for humanity.” I need those words. I need a good slap in the face right now.

“I am sorry, I just my dad”

“he will die but I will still be here” and with that I crack how could you say no to someone like that. To someone who genuinely wants you.