Broken

"What's wrong?"

"..."

"Answer my question for God's sake! Why are you acting so strange every time I bring it up? It's not good to bottle up your feelings. You know I'll always be here for you so why do you keep pushing me away? Just-just tell me the truth."

"...The Truth." I looked at my best friend Kamilla in her forest green eyes as she bandaged the giant cut on my left arm. I could see the stress etching across her face. "If the truth were something that would harm the people you love, would you reveal your secret?"

"Felicity, you're not making any sense. What truth? What secret?"

I closed my eyes and the horrid scene became visible - like I was there. Again. My Mother's lifeless body lying on the ground, one of her cigarettes burning the knocked over plant next to her. The dent on her head and knife in her hands. The baseball bat in my hand. I did that.

Why did things have to end that way? Ever since I can remember, she would hit me and kick me out of the house. I spent most of my nights crying myself to sleep under a tree. My mother became an addict after my father died. She scares every person who crosses her path and she made my life a living nightmare. People always ask why I'm depressed and I never tell them out of fear for how they will react. They don't know me, so why should I let them into my broken life?

There was only one person that I let into my life and she was standing in front of me, freaking out and sobbing.

"Felicity-" Her voice broke. "Felicity, please. What happened?"

A single tear rolled down my cheek.

"I'm sorry, Kamilla. I dragged you into this and I shouldn't have. I shouldn't be here."

I got up from the chair in her room where I always sleep when I my Mom kicks me out of the house. I felt another tear escape as I took one last look at the place I once called home. All the memories Kamilla and I had shared. Then I walked towards the door.

Kamilla jumped in front of me.

"Where are you going? You didn't answer my question. You barged into my house 10 minutes ago crying and bleeding. What happened to you?"

I couldn't look her in the eyes. What an innocent soul. How could I drag her into my world of darkness. I closed my eyes again and remembered the horror and reality of the situation.

I got home from school and changed out of my Field Bay uniform - a navy blue shirt with a barn owl under Field Bay Secondary School and khakis. I knew something was off the moment I stepped into the house. The house smelled... clean instead of the trade mark cigarette smell. My Mom turned off the smoke detectors so she wouldn't have to leave the house. There was a faint smell of something I hadn't had in years. I inhaled the heavenly smell of my Mom's date squares and remembered when my Dad and I used to put vanilla ice cream on it when I was 5 years old. Right before he died.

I picked up a baseball bat that I hid under a broken piece of wood from the floor and walked towards our small kitchen. I snuck a quick peek and found the date squares sitting on the counter, untouched. Strange, I thought. Mom always takes the first piece.

I looked around for my Mom who was nowhere to be found. I took a tentative step forward.

After scanning the house and finding nothing, I called for my mom.

...

No reply.

I took a good look at my house. I couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten here. The last time I cooked food with my Mom...

Then a troubling thought occurred to me.

A couple days ago I came across a single first class ticket to Lillie, France. What was troubling, was that, number one, she didn't have enough money to pay for a first class ticket to France, and number two, it was one ticket. I am 16 years old. Not that she has ever really been a Mother to me, but did she really plan on leaving me?

The sound of a table being knocked over behind me stirred me from my troubling thoughts.

I turned around to find my Mom standing behind me, a knife in her hand.

I backed away from her when she inched closer.

"M-Mom? W-What are you d-doing?"

She was muttering to herself as she inched closer and closer.

"Mom-"

"He was here! He came to get me!" She looked at the only picture of our broken family in the house. She was talking about my Dad.

"One more. Just one more goodbye. Then I can go away forever."

She stood up straight and chuckled to herself. I raised my bat.

"Bye bye, Felicity." She waved her hand at me and I could see the crazy look in her eyes. She was drunk and she was going to kill me.

I backed up until I knocked over a plant. Adrenaline and fear were coursing through my veins.

My Mom began running towards me and I jumped out of the way, and her knife impaled the wall that I once stood against. She banged her head in the wall when she lunged for me but that didn't stop her. She pulled the knife out of the wall and our eyes met. She slowly lowered the knife and began to cry.

I could feel my heartbeat in my throat and gulped.

"Mom?"

She stopped moving. I raised my bat and she threw her knife at me. I didn't have enough time to dodge it so it cut my left arm and I dropped on the floor screaming in pain, tears flowing down my cheeks.

My Mom didn't move. Her hair covered her face but I could see the tears dropping on the floor. She got up, grabbed another knife from the kitchen, placed a lit cigarette in her mouth, and returned to the knocked over plant.

Although I didn't want to, I knew what I had to do.

"Good night, Felicity," she said as a tear rolled down her cheek.

As soon as she began to move towards me, I swung my bat in her direction and I hit my target.

My Mom crumpled to the ground, knife in hand, and I dropped to the floor crying and holding my wounded arm, trying to keep the blood in.

I stayed there for a while, lying on the ground, until I realized that I had to leave. I checked the time.

4:15

Kamilla doesn't leave for her family dinner until 5:00. I got up and wailed in agony. I refused to look at my arm but I managed to clean it up a little. I grabbed a shirt from my closet upstairs and wrapped my arm in it.

I took one last look at my Mom and withheld a sob. I grabbed her first class ticket and a bag that she had packed. I guess she had planned on killing me and then leaving.

I stepped away once I realized that the cigarette that she had lit was starting to spread a fire. The plant stated to burn and after 5 minutes, I could feel the heat of the fire.

I had to leave before I burned down with the house.

"Goodbye, Mom."

"Nothing happened to me, Kamilla."

"You're lying! Stop it! You say nothing happened yet here you are standing before me with a bleeding arm! Felicity-" she choked back a sob. "Please, what happened?"

"... I was mugged. They took my bag and slashed my arm with a knife so I couldn't fight back. While they were looking through my bag I ran away. I went home first but my...M-Mom didn't care. You know her. So I came here."

I know I shouldn't have lied, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her. What does it matter anyways? I'm leaving tonight. Nobody will know where I am. Nobody will care where I am. I can start my life from scratch.

Kamilla stayed silent but I could see the horror in her eyes as she looked at me. "I'm so sorry, Felicity. Is there anything I can do? I can go ask my Mom to make her famous soup. The one that you like-"

"No."

She was taken aback.

"I-I mean no it's okay. I was planning on going home tonight anyways."

"But you never go home."

"There's a first time for everything."

"Will I see you tomorrow?"

No, I thought.

I could see the worry in her eyes so I changed my response. Just for her sake.

I shot her a smile. "Yes, we'll see each other tomorrow, Kamilla."