Without You

Trigger warning: depictions of suicide.

The Earth is rotating. The sun is shining . The awful plant that sits on the window sill is blooming. The pills you nearly OD'ed are scattered on the floor. Your friends slash self appointed therapists are going to be banging your door soon. You like taking notes of things like this. It's the only way you can keep up with life. One more thing, Death evaded you last night.

Jumping from a fire escape can be considered stupid and suicidal but you don't care. You'd do anything to leave your apartment. You love your friends to the moon and back but some times you needed to be alone. Alone to wallow in misery and alcohol. You watch as people move quickly. They are rushing as usual. The world is moving the way it should.

It's been five months since he passed away. Every second you've spent without him has been miserable. You blame everyone for his death. Every, except you, because you're the good guy. You did everything while others did nothing. The doctor had said accidents happen everyday. Everyone has moved on or at least is trying to, except you. You don't know how to move on. You don't know how to forget. 

Sometimes you feel pressure mounting in your head, it feels like you're being strangled. The only way to release the pressure is through cutting. You take the razor and make little cuts in your arm and on your thighs. It's the only way you can deal with the pain you're feeling.

You move round the neighborhood. You consider going to a bar but it's a Tuesday morning. There was always one place you went to when you needed to be alone. His apartment. It's the one place you felt happy, even if he wasn't there anymore. You feel a little closer to him. In a way, you feel the house knows more than him than you do. So you go there to learn from the walls and the books and the clothes and every other thing he left behind like you.

Before venturing to your place of solitude and sin, you go to a payphone to call your friends. They are worried out of their mind. They are screaming and scolding you. You try to placate them but it's to no avail. You hang up, you need to catch your breath. The phone rings again. You pick it up. It's Kira, you met her at the University. She's livid and more angry. She has reason to be. You'd be livid too if your friend runs away after you loosen her from a dangling rope attached to a fan.

You lied to them. You told them you were coming back immediately. You aren't going back till night and they know it. They aren't stupid people either, they know where you've been going to. You're about to cross the street to his apartment complex when you suddenly hear your name. You try to move quickly. Today wasn't exactly your socializing day. You hear you name again and feel a tap on your shoulder,

'Dora, damn did you leave your hearing aids at home ?'

You look at the man who calls your name, it's Leo, Kira's cousin. You want to punch the air out of him and run away but you don't. He looks at you like a fragile China with cracks all over. You avert your eyes from Leo's. You know you're going downward spiral but you don't want any pity. 

You don't say a word to Leo, you just move straight to your destination. The doorman smiles sadly at you. You nod in acknowledgement. No body tries to stop you. Once in a while when your head isn't filled with alcohol or sleeping medication or random drugs you find under your bed, you wonder why they let you in. Why they refused the rent you gave them for the apartment. Why they haven't chased you away. The caretaker just smiled at you and told you it's been covered. You didn't ask who paid that day. You were still contemplating the meaning of life so nothing mattered to you.

As you enter the apartment, you see Leo try to sit on the chair and something in your head snaps,

"Wait outside" you shout

He jolts at the sound of your voice, there is a look of confusion on his face but he doesn't question you, he steps outside. You slam the door and fall on your knees. You don't want Leo to desecrate anything here. This house is your altar and you don't want anything touched.

You move slowly to his bedroom. It feels strange, everything is the way it was the last time you were here but you know someone was here. Maybe it was his mother or his friends. It doesn't matter. You slip on one of his clothes in the wardrobe and lay on the bed. 

As you lay, your mind wanders through everything and nothing. The day you met him at an anime convention. The smell of his cologne. The way his eyes spark whenever he was excited. How his forehead wrinkled when you was agitated. You try to remember everything about him. You don't want to forget even the tiniest detail. Slowly and slowly you drift away and sleep overcomes you.

Tears are streaming from your eyes when you wake up. You sit up and wipe them. On the few days you dream, the only thing you see is him. Sometimes you're walking towards him or you are trying to hold on to his hand and you always fail or sometimes you see him on the floor with his body broken and bloody. You move the curtain to look outside and it's dark. You need to leave immediately, you'd hate to meet mother if she came here.

You drag yourself out of the apartment. Sitting in the lobby is Leo. You've forgotten all about him. He sees you and smile. You don't stop walking. He catches up to you in no time,

"You're going to have to stop someday, you're on a self destruct mode" he says

You look at him straight in the eyes. You see sadness and pity. You know that's how everyone regards you. With sadness and pity,

"Soon, I will stop soon" you tell him drily

You're not lying. There's a container of sleeping drugs in your hoodie pocket, you took it from his apartment. You would end things soon. It was getting too hard for you to breathe anyway.

There are no words between the both of you as you walk through the street. You look on the floor when you walk, it's a habit you've acquired recently. You can't bear the thought of seeing anything or anyone that reminds you of him. So you now your head.

You hear a gasps from Leo, you turn to face him and he looks like he was about to faint. You scoff, did he just recognize how tattered you were?. Then you notice he isn't looking at you but someone in front of you. You turn to the person Leo is staring at.

For the first time in your life, you feel the air knock out of your lungs as you see him. The person you've been mourning for five months, the reason for your sadness and tears and here he is. You thought he was dead but there he is,right in front of you on the street, smiling at you. And you've never felt more light headed.