Unconscious Choice

I was standing in front of 2 doors, two colors, two different colors, the one was blue, like navy blue, and the other one was orange, well like orange, no other way to describe it, wondering what and if there was meaning if anything, the only thing I could think of was that both of them are my favorite colors.

I looked around as to where I was, where was I, I didn’t recognize the room, there were no other people, there were no windows, just these two doors and a desk, like a box this was very odd I thought, there was nothing on the desk, nothing, plain, boy am I dreaming, or am I in a horrible nightmare and nothing felt real or gave any recognizable appearance or feelings of what.

I started noticing that my panic level was slowly starting to rise, my heart and breathing were increasing. I could feel sweat coming out of areas I didn’t think possible. Now I wouldn't exaggerate and say there were a million things going thru my mind, but a few things were. Calm yourself, relax, try to comprehend what’s going on.

As I was standing in front of both doors, I felt nothing, really nothing, was I having a stroke, no I don’t think so.

Okay now, clear the head and think, think. Think of what, what am I doing, or where am I or what I am doing here and what am I supposed to do, what, what, what, what, heyyyyy.

Okay I thought, the first real thought in my head, I could pick one, okay that was easy, just pick one, hopefully getting better, and what would I find behind that door or that door, there were so many unknowns, okay second thought, seemed to be getting easier, which one first, uh oh, subtract a thought, where would this lead to, and what would I do, would it be good, yes, bad, no no, sad, definitely no, happy, yes that is what we want, we want happy, but the problem was, a major problem, there were too many woulds.

What now, one thing I noticed, that crept out was the silence, the eerily silent, like a graveyard at midnight during a full moon silence, that’s not a good thing, not a good image, there was nothing, absolutely nothing, absolutely quiet, like the graveyard, now my anxiety level was rising more. I started sweating and felt a chill at the same time, I noticed the room wasn’t chilly, it was just me.

Reaching out with my right hand, I moved to grab the door handle of the door, I don’t know why I chose that door, I just did, I stopped in mid grab, images were going thru my mind, images I didn’t recognize, people, places or things, and anything I saw, I didn’t know what it was, I wasn’t that old, so those couldn’t be memories, I stepped back from the door, and just starred, as the images faded away, not sure for how long, for time did not exist, for there was no clock, calendar and no way to know what time or day it was and no one to ask.

After I “came to”, I looked at the other door, just looking, nothing else. Now, would I get the same reaction and the same scary feeling? One part of me said no, don’t do it, don’t touch the door, the other part said, yes, do it. I’m kind of leaning more to the no side myself, but here I am, standing in front of the orange door, just standing, just looking. The rational part of me, like a little angel, said don’t do it, you know better, but the irrational part, the devil, well he double dogged dared me, really, double dog dare, what am I, 11 years old and where did that come from, I don’t think I ever said that to anyone.

Like slow motion, as like in a movie, my left hand reached out, and before I could grasp the knob, there was tingling, tingling, like when you grab an electric fence tingling, now my mind was racing, what was causing this, was there something on the other side, was this good or bad, in my mind flashed red flags, oh so many red flags, danger, danger guy, me being the guy, I couldn’t even remember my name, lots and lots of red flags.

Pulling slowly away, which I found somewhat easy to do, now I was in major panic mode, I looked around, nothing, no escape plan, “What do I do”, I shouted through a dry mouth, I needed water, none was here.

If there was any time, it was fleeting, but I couldn’t tell, for all I knew time didn’t exist anymore.

Decision time, breathe, breathe, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, nope that wasn’t working, ok, ok.

I closed my eyes and tried to collect my thoughts, thought of my happy place, where was my happy place, oh jeez, forgot my happy place, I tried to clear the brain, come on clear the brain, nothing there, just like school, haha, okay, quiet yourself and think, think, get rid of all the unwanted and negative thoughts and decisions.

I looked at doors again, for what seemed an eternity, I just starred, somewhere the decision was made for me, not by me, but from somewhere else. I extended and reached out with my hand, which now didn’t appear to be real or even there, and I slowly made my choice, hoping it was the right choice.

Sitting straight up in bed, my bed, I was in my own bed, in my house, I noticed sweat was pouring off me, my bedclothes were drenched and they stuck to my body, and I was trembling, uncontrollable shaking, deep bone freezing and breathing deep and hard, so hard I thought I was going to stop breathing, I was trying to catch my bearings, tried to get my brain to follow my commands, I slowly turned to the mirror and.