Unsaid Thought

        “Mom, I’m actually been thinking about this for so long. You know how much I love reading, I love books, and I’ve also grown fond of writing some on my own. Isn’t that great, mom?” Selah put her palm together, her eyes twinkling in excitement. “It’s so exciting writing your own book, your own story, and let people your pieces! And, I’m hoping to explore more so I’ve just decided to enter a—“

         “Selah! Come down here! Your sister and I were leaving,” Hannah, Selah’s mother, called out from their living room.

         Selah’s enthusiasm unexpectedly depleted. The courage she mustered seems to leave her body.

         “For sure, she’s wrapped up with her books again,” she heard Sanya, her elder sister sneered, her voice louder than it has to be. Sanya is four years older than her. She’s studying Bachelor of Performing Arts, and in day by day, with their mother, she’s accepting small projects as a model.

         Well, good for her. Mother always supported her.  

         Selah dismissed the bitter thought. “No,” she whispered, and immediately leaves her room. She had to tell them before she loses her chance.

This is the moment I’ve been waiting for… All I have to do is to tell them how much I love writing, tell them it’s my dream since then. Mom will understand and she will surely approve. She will not force me to get Business Management. Sanya will just shrug her shoulder, and everything will be fine.

“Mom, wait!” she called out, rushing down from her room. She made it at the living room where her mother and sister are about to leave.

“We’re leaving. If you need anything, just tell the maids,” her mother uttered, dismissing her.

“I…I just want to say something,” she mumbled.

 Hannah turned to her, fixing the black lace shawl that wrapped around her shoulder above the pure white sleeveless dress. “Now is not the right time, Selah.”

“We’re going to be late,” Sanya butted in, crossing her arm above her chest. She looks elegant and hot at the same time with her red off-shoulder mini dress that fit perfectly fine at her curvaceous body especially with those high stiletto heels.

“I-It’s important—“

“Nothing is important now than my appointment to Miss Dela Vega,” Sanya chipped in.

“I have to say this now,” she insisted.

“Okay,” Hannah sighed, “tell it now,” she offered.

“But, mom!” Sanya cried out. “Miss Dela Vega is a famous designer and we cannot let her wait.”

“Just a minute, Sanya,” her mother turned to her sister. “For sure, it will not last a minute or more,” she continued, the side of her lip went up forming a knowing smile.

Sanya seemed to get her and decided to just rolled her eyes then shrugged her shoulders. Selah felt a sudden relief when her sister didn’t speak, but all the relief went out when her mother faced her. The looked on her face makes Selah’s resolve quivered.

“Speak up, my dear,” she invited despite the fact that it sounded bored than persuading.

Selah gulped. She can do this! She’s practicing all the words she’ll tell to her mother. She readied herself to this!

“Selah?”

“A-actually, Mom… I just want to say that I will not take Business Management course,” she blubbered. “I wan—“

“Seriously?” Sanya spattered. “You stopped us just to say that?”

Selah blinked at her sister with ridiculous grin at her red luscious lips. “You don’t understand.”

“Then enlighten us,” Sanya challenged, completely turning to face her. Selah narrowed her eyes at Sanya. She’s about to speak, but her sister immediately chimed in. “Do you have anything better in your mind?”

“Of course I have!” she answered with confidence.

“Really? Is it better than wrapping your head with your books, novels, and fiction stories?” Sanya tilted her head to the side and let out a hoarse laugh.

Selah bit her inside cheek. She wants to grab her sister short curly hair and ruin it, but that will be rude.

 “Stop it, Sanya. Stop making fun of Selah. She’s still too young to know what she wanted.” Hannah turned to her. “If you’re not going to say anything, we will leave. I and your sister have an appointment to her designer and it’s not a good impression if we will be late.”

“Mom?” she stared at her.

“Perhaps, we can talk about that later when we come back home,” Hannah promised.

She tried to open her mouth and about to say something however no voice came out from her.

“Good bye, sweetheart. See you later.” Her mother gave her a quick touch at the side of her face then turned away from her. All the while, Sanya gave her a triumphantly smile then ward off. Selah watched solemnly as her mother and sister walks away. She clutched the hem of her top as she bit her lower lip.

         “Why?” she mumbled to herself as he heard the door closes. He sat weakly on the couch and sunk his face in both palms. Why it’s so hard for her to say those words? Why it’s so hard for her to tell others what she’s feeling? She’s been thinking that, practicing for week to say those words to her mother.

         Selah closed her eyes tightly. Unsaid words are like heavy baggage inside her. She has to do something. She can’t let herself be like this.

         Selah went back to her room, grabbed her jacket and purse, and without any words to their maids, she left their house.

*****

         “Did you tell Tita Hannah?” Maggie inquired as she keeps on typing on her laptop, her eyes not leaving the monitor.

         “What do you think?” Selah questioned back, jumping backwards at Maggie’s bed. Instead of sulking, she went to Maggie’s house. Maggie was her classmate when she entered Grade 7. They became good friends since then until they both reached senior high. They have a lot of things in common, from the music to books, clothes and food, and even from being a nature-lover to passion of writing. One thing they differ, Maggie is a high-spirited girl. She takes every chance she could get and don’t let anyone ruin what she’d planned.

         “So, it’s a no,” Maggie stated the obvious.

         Selah remained quiet and stared at the cream ceiling of her friend’s bedroom. Maggie has an eye for soft colors.

         “You’ve been gathering your thought for almost a week,” Maggie asserted an another obvious.

         “I always gathered my thoughts,” Selah replied with sarcasm.

         “And let those thoughts flew away before you even have a good use to them,” Maggie retorted. She stood and walk towards the bed. She sat down at the side of it, grabbing one pillow and pulling it above her lap. “How about you tell her again later?”

“As if they’re gonna be home early.”

Maggie arched her one eyebrow. “Now you’re being pessimistic.”

“I’m not. I just knew what may happen next. Mom and Sanya are both out, meeting this famous designer and you’re expecting them to be home early?” Selah can’t help not to feel the agitation inside her. Maggie and her plan to pursue their dream to be a writer. Maggie had joined different workshops and online courses to enhance her skills. Selah joined some online workshop, but she wanted to explore more. And if her mother pursues her to get Business Management, she’ll lost her chance for that more.

Selah heard Maggie sighed. “Tita Hannah always supported Sanya.”

“They have the same dream. Dream that I don’t share with.”

“Why don’t you share yours to them?”

Selah put her other arm on her forehead and closed her eyes. I want to. God knows how many times I tried to. But what I don’t understand is whenever I’m in front of them, all my strength and courage began to leave my body. I lost my control over my mouth. My mind was saying this, but my mouth tells different words.

“I don’t know how hard it is for you, but seeing that expression on your face makes me understand it.”

“I feel like coward,” Selah breathed.

“Of course you’re not.”

“Not? I can’t even manage to say half of what I thought.”

“Perhaps, you’re not just really good at expressing verbally. After all, some of us like to take things in paper, and let the paper be filled with our words.”

Selah removed her arm and lay at her side, gazing up at her friend. “You’re good in writing and speaking.”

“But I suck in Math, and you’re way better than me,” Maggie pointed out.

Selah bit her inside cheek but didn’t respond.

“Maybe it’s also because of the circumstances,” Maggie went on, this time her tone gone quiet. “I hate to say this, but… look at Sanya…”

“And look at me,” Selah finished the words her friend are having hard time to say. “We’re completely different.”

“You’re unique and also she is.”

“She’s beautiful and wa—“

“You’re also beautiful and way more intelligent than her,” Maggie butted in, bugging her eyes at Selah with impatience. “See why Tita Hannah was pursuing you to get Business Management? They shared same dreams, but it doesn’t lose on her that your brain is working better than your sister.”

“Hey, that’s an offense!” she exclaimed at her last words.

“And have better character than her,” Maggie ignored her and keep on muttering while rolling her eyes.

Selah just let her body once again lay down at the soft mattress. Maggie is the one who always reminds her that she’s perfectly fine when she cannot see it in herself. Since the day her father left them, she lost the guts to talk everything inside her. She believes that before she poured everything out, she needed to think through it. However at the end, all she can do is managed to say little of what she ponder. And, whenever that’s happening, her heart was breaking.

“Geez. Take a break, girl,” Maggie said in a soft voice, bearing with her sudden quietness. “Why don’t you try to not ponder things first and let the moment bring you? Plans are good. Even so, as you do your plan, don’t tear away your eyes to the goal. Plans may fail and fall though, yet goals will still be at the center if you keep it in there.”

Selah’s eyes heated as her nose felt a sting. Tears are beginning to hit her throat so she bit her inner cheek to suppress it.

“You’re not a nineteen girl.” They are in the same age of Maggie but it seems that Maggie knew better than her.

Maggie grins. “I am.”

“No, you’re not. You’re like a mothe—“

“Geez. Stop that! I’ll get us some food downstairs, anything that you want?”

“Inspire me,” she muttered while grinning. It’s really a good idea that she went to Maggie.

“I bet I can do that,” Maggie plastered a playful smile.

“Well, that’s good,” she replied then got up, hugging the fluffy pillow.

Maggie shook her head as she walks. When she reached the door, she returns her gaze at Selah. The playful smile is still playing in her lips.

“What?” Selah couldn’t help no to frown at her friend.

Maggie’s lips formed in another loop-sided grin. “Michael’s here. He came back last night. He must be sleeping inside his room. Want me to call hi—“

“Don’t you dare!” Selah bit back, her eyes were bugging from her hear. She immediately got down from the bed.

Maggie’s grin didn’t faze. Instead it widens. “Let’s see.” That’s her last drop before she left the room, leaving her unable to speak. Feeling her knees about to buckle, Selah sat down at the side of the bed.

“Michael’s here. He’s back,” she mumbled at the air. “Oh no…” She let out a small groan and covers her face with Maggie’s pillow.

Michael is Maggie’s elder brother. He’s 26 years old and most of the time was out of the town because of work. Michael is a man version of Maggie—funny, sweet and caring. She could still remember how Michael used to teach them at their assignment years ago. He used to cook for them too, and accompany them at the mall. Even after he graduated college, Michael never changed. Only her.

Years ago, due to teens raging hormones and her attachment to Michael, Selah grew fond at him. She didn’t notice that she’s beginning to like Michael more than a friend or a brother. Because she’s too young and naïve of what’s happening around her, she wrote love letters to him, leaving those letters inside his room. She’d done it many times, and nothing changes between them. Michael still took good care of them. And whenever he found her alone, he’ll ruffled her hair with a wide grin on his lips.

Selah took it differently, and gave her false hopes. On Maggie’s 16^th birthday, she decided to confess her feeling. She thinks thoroughly everything that she would say. She even wrote it and memorized every single word. She even read many different romance stories to know what she had to do and what might Michael’s reaction. It’s her first time to confess, and didn’t want to ruin even a bit of the moment.

 When the day came, she waited for her opportunity. She didn’t let Michael slip away from her eyes. Not long after the party started, when she saw him left the hall room. She followed her silently, gaining all her confidence and resolve, trying to remember all the words she would say.

Upon reaching the garden, she saw him sat down at one of the rattans chair holding a phone. She took that as opportunity.

It’s been years, but Selah could still remember how her palm sweats when Michael faced her. She could still remember how her heart thumped erratically when Michael asked her why she followed him. And she could still remember how she answered, “Do you love me, Michael?”

She didn’t know why it’s the first thing that comes up in her mind. She didn’t understand why she’d come up with that lame question. And, she still couldn’t erase the humiliation and pain when he replied, “Of course. You’re my second Maggie.”

Since that day, it got harder for her to face him. It’s a good thing, Michael had to leave their home for a while to work abroad. As years go by, she practiced avoiding him without being obvious.

Nonetheless, Maggie found out what happened and until now teasing her with his brother.

“I’m not yet done dealing with mom and Sanya… and … oh no!” she let out another groaned against the pillow after reminiscing what had happened years ago. “Lame! Lame, Selah! You ar—”

All Selah’s words halted when she heard a knock on the door. She swings her gaze at the white door and get up.

Maybe she brought too much snacks again, she murmured to herself and without thinking, opened the door.

“Hi, Selah!” the tall man greeted her.

Selah gulped, unable to speak and move.

“Maggie told me to—”

Foolishly, Selah suddenly closed the door. “Oh my gosh!” she exclaimed. “What have I done?” she whispered.

“You okay, Selah?” she heard Michael’s soft voice called out.

Selah raked the side of her hair with her fingertips. “Oh no, what should I do? What should I say?”

“Selah?” Michael knocked again.

“I have to face him,” she muttered under her breath. “Say sorry and just make excuses. Anything.”

Selah count one to three and opened the door. Michael’s hand caught in the mid-air as if he’s going to knock again. “Is everything fine?” he gently asked.

“Hmm…” She tried to plaster a smile and nodded. “Oh y-yeah. Everything is fine. How about you? Are you okay?”

Lame, Selah. You closed the door in front of his face, in his own house, and you’re going to ask him if he’s fine?

Michael’s side of the lip went up, showing a playful and knowingly smile while shaking his head. “Maggie told me to get you downstairs. She’s preparing the table.”

She blinked at him. “O-okay…”

Michael’s smile gently at her. “You’re Selah here. Nothing’s to worry.”

Selah gave him another blink then nodded. Why don’t you try to not ponder things first and let the moment bring you?

Maggie always reminds her of that, but in Michael’s words, it felt different.

You’re Selah here. Nothing’s to worry.

She breathed in and replied, “Okay.”

She walked out of the door and walks side by side with Michael. She halted herself from thinking anything.

“How’s school?” Michael asked.

“Good? I think so.”

“Anything I can do? Maggie keeps on bugging mom and dad…”

Selah secretly stares at him. Michael seems to be at ease talking with her. On the other hand, she always thinks the words she’ll say.

Perhaps, she had to begin not pondering too much. She’s living inside her head that she sometimes forgot that the world inside her head is different from the true world.

“Maggie wanted to enter same school,” she abruptly shared.

Michael’s gaze swings to her. “That’s great.”

She nodded and gave him a smile. “We have the same dream.”

“It’s good to have someone whom you share your dreams and desires,” Michael meaningfully.

Oblivious of their conversation, Selah didn’t know how she beams while thinking, ‘I’ll start with this then to mom and Sandra later, and to coming days.’

The End