The Anguish of A Married Man

5 May, 2017

Hey you,

I don’t know what to call you. Diary? Journal? What am I doing now? I can’t stop laughing at myself… Writing on a notebook and call it diary? I don’t even know what to write. Seriously, what do I need to write in a diary? What do I feel? Oh, I’m not a girl who likes to whine and complain with tears like my wife.

I’m a grown up man. I’m a tough guy and I don’t feel the need of writing about my days. I hated writing essays. Why do you want to write an essay if the smartest girl in the class exchange her free time to do it for a dinner date with me? I paid her time well with free meal and my attention. I’m a fair guy.

This time is different. I have to do it for the sake of peace on earth. Although I’m writing my non-sense thoughts here, nobody will say a word as long as I hand out my writing. I’m just doing my writing assignment. An obligation. Our counsellor said that I can write whatever. So it is. When I read again, it’s still a miracle that I even wrote these long paragraphs.

9 May, 2017

Hey. 

I have to sue all the filmakers who have been depicting marriage as a happily ever after life in the fairy tale’s ending. They are lying to each other, to themselves, and to the world. I don’t believe in fairy tale either, but I don’t believe living like a hell everyday after my wedding. 

I was working so hard yesterday even I fell asleep on my desk and woke up to this morning. Life is so wonderful to be shouted at as morning greetings. This woman is so difficult to be understood! She’s not making me any meal, and ignoring our empty fridge. I did not complain like a sissy for not being taken care well by my own wife of 3 months! It’s a miracle that we live under the same roof even up to this point! 

What’s so difficult to call a mechanic if your car won’t start? If you have no time, you can just call a taxi or whatsoever so you can go to your office on time, right? Why did she think that she need to wake me up and vent out her frustration at me? 

She asked me to check the car last week, and I haven’t left the house since the beginning of this project. Is it my fault for not stepping out from this house because I have been so busy with work? Why can’t she take care of herself? 

She’s a grown up girl. Just like her, I’m still new in this city, I wouldn’t know many people or places. What makes it different for her to be resourceful instead of being so dependent on me?

I take care of myself when she’s not even bothered to wash my clothes. I have clothes to wear for a month even without repeating any of them. I did not complain to her at all, and I never ask her to wash my clothes. She can close her eyes to the piled up clothes, and she has nothing to worry. 

What’s wrong with her again that she has to yell at me for not washing it for days? I am busy, and I have no time to do laundry. If she’s bothered with it, she can wash it. If not, just leave it. That’s easy, right?

12 May, 2017

Hey. 

My wish comes true. It’s going to be a peaceful weekend on my house. My wife is not here, at least for few days. I can focus on my work now. 

She left a note on my desk. She’s returning home to her parents for the weekend. She said she needs some time alone. Yeah, I do too! 

Thanks for doing it for me, wifey! I also need a break from shouting and yelling routine with her. Well, I do not yell… She’s the one. She always freaks out and complains for everything I do or don’t do. My ear turns deaf ever since we got married. From a plea, command, nags, and yells. 

Now it’s silent treatment. 

I like this one better. 

I don’t hate her. I’m okay for her to live with me. But it’s better this way, we don’t need to hurt each other. She can come back to this house if she wants to, or she can adjust her expectation about me and live in this house peacefully.

Why can’t she accept me for who I am? She made a vow to love and cherish me until death do us part. 

Where’s that promise? 

I am the one who got betrayed here. 

12 May, 2017 (continued)

The day is not over yet and I had 2 phone calls from the parents. Mine and hers. What is wrong with all of these people? She was the one who left from our house. I do not ask her to leave or threaten her when she stays. Now I am the one to blame and got yelled at. We are two grown up people. She can decide whatever she wants as long she’s happy. 

She’s the one who’s leaving but they are asking me to pick her up and apologize to her! I thought she’s happy to get her break time from me! She decides her weekend stay and I’m paying for the bills of making her leaving the house!

IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE! 

If she wants to return to our home, let her come home without being forced or begged by anyone, including me. If she doesn’t want to, then don’t. It’s that simple. 

What kind of brainwashing story did she say to make these old folks believe that I’m the culprit and she’s always be the victim?

What is this? Is she bewitching all my inner circle to work against me? 

Nobody knows what’s happening in this house but the two of us, and now everybody is standing against me and pointing fingers at me. 

Can marriage be more fair? I wonder if they were the same people whom I knew in my single days. They don’t even seem to put me in a neutral position. At least they listen to what I say first before putting a judgement on me!

This marriage is a hell… be with her by my side… or not. 

13 May, 2017

Hey, 

I couldn’t sleep well last night, so I decided not to continue working when I’m not in my best shape. I’ve been working continously. Having voice and video calls from my desk, and leaving my desk for essentials only. I need to reward myself with a good break. 

Today is a quiet day. No phone calls, no terrors about her. Just me, and my laundry and our house. I’ve been washing my clothes, putting them into dryer, flipping movie channels, and cooking my own pasta for lunch.

I wanted to drive out to get some fresh air, then I remembered if the car wouldn’t start two days ago. Luckily I got a mechanic who is available within an hour! 

He’s a quiet old man. He has something with him that makes me comfortable to talk to. Or maybe I’m just too bored talking to people who judge me and label me with whatever they like. I’m so glad to find someone who’s not against me. The Lord is kind to me. 

The mechanic told me that (after I asked him) he lives with his second wife now. His first wife passed away before they got any child. It was a struggle for him to live with his first wife. Finally I know that I’m not alone having a miserable marriage. 

He should be relieved to get away from his first wife for forever. I know it’s sad to see your loved one is no longer breathing but you are no longer tied on a broken marriage. Both of you suffer, even if you stay together; right? Like me and my wife. 

The second marriage was not his initiative, because he did not have desire to remarried and had to struggle in marriage again. I agree with him. If you know it’s not an easy and happy thing to live together, why would you be tied on marriage again?

He surprised me when he said that the second marriage is different. I wonder if he loved her more or she’s just a better person than his first wife. Of course, I didn’t ask him. 

17 May, 2017

Hey. 

I met her in the counseling room. She was still pretty but she didn’t look so fine. I thought she was happy to be away from me, that she had been using her time well to be alone. It’s weird, but I missed seeing her happy face.

Suddenly, my wife broke her tears. I had not let her knew anything that I had had gone through during the weekend, and she should know that I was the one who was supposed to cry! Maybe this is the way she tricks everybody, by crying and playing victim. No wonder nobody is on my side!

When I thought I’d be losing my temper and screamed at her, but instead I felt like I was a jerk. Why did she cry? Who made the woman I love crying? Was she crying because of me? Did I hurt her so badly? 

Is it going to be better for us to leave this marriage instead of staying together… and fighting… and crying?

My wife looked at me and asked me if we could start all over again. 

I felt the tense in the room from the two ladies in front of me. 

I couldn’t find a word. 

I’m a grown up man. I’m a tough guy. I’m a married man. But why do I feel like I’m a selfish kid?

23 May, 2017

Hey you, 

I cannot sleep. I miss my wife. We haven’t seen each other again since the counselling room. The counsellor suggested us to come back to her when both of us agreed to continue the sessions.

Living as a married man alone is terrible. I’m not referring to my house condition which is like a sunken ship now. I feel lonely. Worse than my single days. My heart is broken, knowing that the vow we made might end up like a meaningless ritual words.

But.. I don’t know what to do. About her. About us. About our marriage.  

I’m scared to pick up where we left off. And I don’t want to fight with her again. 

She asked me to give us a second chance. Do I deserve the second chance from her?

1 June, 2017

Hey there, 

I give up. That’s all I can think of right now. I just want to meet her. Then talk. Though I don’t know what to say when we meet, but I want to put all of this to an end. 

We can start it again if she decided to give us a second chance. Only if she accepts the two weeks delay for my answer. It may hurt her pride and her heart. She may not accept this idea, but now is the soonest time that I answer her question. 

She said yes to meet me tomorrow. 

3 June, 2017

Hey there, 

Yesterday was a long and arduous day for both of us. I’m glad her parents left both of us alone at their home to talk. 

I said whatever was haunting me when she left home. I missed her. I wanted us to start over but at the same time I’m afraid that I would be losing her again and I don’t want us to stay in a hurtful marriage. 

She’s in the same page with me, but abandoning our marriage is not an option to her. She was ready to return home, so we continue our talk at home. 

Such an irony. Love united us in the beginning. The fear of losing each other bring us back together. 

We started to talk about our feelings, and things we can do to work things up. Suddenly we feel like we are newly married couple for the second time.

7 July, 2017

Hey there, 

I’m just going to leave a quick message now, as I’m going to be busy in the next hours to speak with my parents, in-laws, and our marriage counsellor about the good news!

I’m going to be a dad!