A Letter to You

Imagine going to the beach. You’re the only one there and you can see every little detail in high definition, the first thing being the blue of the sea, with contrasting streaks of white hemmed along the edge crash to meet land. Imagine the moment it hits the dark wet sand, hear the rush of it creeping towards you, only for it to be pulled back home. Under your feet you have the hot and soft sand decorated with broken shells and colored glass. You bathe in the sun and take in the formula of smells that you can only get by the ocean, deep breaths that soothe you of any stress or panic from before. 

If I were to describe you, I’d say you were the ocean; eyes as blue as the water, gray on stormy days. Skin as pale and soft as the sand that glittered under the sun, smile as pink as the wearied-down glass by my feet. Hair as golden as the sun that would shine down on me. How ironic it is to fall in love with a close friend, because while they are the best person you can love it is the worst situation to be in. It includes a love-hate relationship that only you are aware of as your feelings are in a constant war of taking what you can get but not taking too much. 

One specific moment that comes to mind is staying after school for club and somehow ending up in your warm hug, one that lasted the whole meeting. My thoughts were running wild, logic clouded over by the smell of paint and warmth, two things that were ridiculously you. Leaning my head against your shoulder, arms slotted around your waist, the only coherent thought in my mind was that we fit perfectly together. This summarized my feelings for you during every interaction we’ve had. Every time our fingers laced, every hug from behind, every pretty smile, and prolonged eye contact were signals sent to the heart. Butterflies flapped their beautiful wings in the pit of my stomach and electric shocks coursed through my body. I’ve dated before but nothing could compare to what I felt with you. To this day I am aware of the fact that you were the closest to love that I’ve gotten. 

It was beautiful, to feel so strongly about you. To look at you and be amazed by your beauty, inspired by your intelligence, and awed by your talent. Our terms of endearment a simple ‘my wife’ were two words that would get me thinking, ‘huh, maybe one day’. I saw it in your eyes too; the fondness from my cheap jokes and the satisfaction of sitting next to each other, thighs pressed together. Or at least I thought I saw it in your eyes. Even though I knew it was impossible it was something I yearned for. I would ignore the consequences and the scary thoughts of us fading away or separating from each other because really being with you was all that mattered. Nothing could make me not love you and I hoped you felt the same way.

It was months later, when I was in deep and my feelings were close to making my heart burst- after we’d held hands thousands of times, linked arms everyday walking to class, and known each other for what felt like forever- that things changed. It was the turning event, the pull of thread that ripped my world apart, the climax of the story. As dramatic as it seems, I felt the universe was messing with me and laughing at my misfortune. Because the way it started and the way it ended did not correlate; the softness of your arms around me shouldn’t have sharpened and pierced me the way they did. 

We happened to both be in the same place at the same time, in the bathroom during 5th period. As unromantic of a place it was, you miraculously made it so; the colors were softer, harsh writing of immature teenagers on the walls faded out. ‘I have to tell you something’, you said, and you avoided my eyes by hugging me from behind. My heart picked up at the smile that never left your face, at the press of your chest against my back and the caress of your breath against my cheek. You typed out on your phone because you were embarrassed or scared, maybe a bit hopeful too, and I worried that you would be able to feel my heart beat sporadically through the flannel on my back. I like someone, you typed while unknowingly inching the door of hope I had inside of me open slowly, I think they like me back. The blink of the cursor blinked back at me as I asked for more details, curious and hopeful, the months of being around each other and everything that came with it flashing through my mind. I remember thinking ‘it’s finally happening’ and feeling giddy and content. A feeling rose in my chest up through my throat where I clamped my lips shut so I wouldn’t give myself away on how ecstatic I was as I knew you’d type out my name. But it wasn’t. The feeling of happiness turned to dread, the wings of the butterflies you stirred in me faltered and fell and my eyebrows furrowed in confusion and hurt because it wasn’t my name. 

It was a good thing my back was to you because if it weren’t I’m sure you could see how crestfallen I actually felt. While you bid me goodbye with a smile so beautiful it seemed unreal I hoped you wouldn’t notice the false one plastered on my face. It cracked like an overused voice the moment you were out of sight and I stayed in that bathroom for the rest of the period. From one moment to the next, the soft colors from earlier grew dull and the harsh words stood out, uglier as time went by. My heart was in my hands, taken out to be given, and I watched as it seemed to break into pieces and seize in pain as if it were crying.

In the end, it was my fault anyways. The left side of my brain told me it was a bad idea. That falling for you would be a risky affair but I listened to my heart anyways and dreamt of something I couldn’t reach. I had to watch you flourish while loving someone else, and because the universe had to have one last laugh, it was with your best friend. I should have known better. But even though I was hurting, I couldn’t hold your feelings against you. My only option was to stand by your side and to support your decisions because while I did fall for you, I valued your friendship first and foremost. I stumbled and got hurt but I also was able to get back up and heal. You taught me things about myself I never would have known to search for, like how I needed to work on loving the most important person; myself. So if I ever get the courage to give you this, if you can read until the end without stopping, I want you to know that I will always cherish you for that.