War within violence and vows

CONTAINS SENSITIVE INFORMATION: Suicide, mental health, trauma, war, violence, death.

My soul is now as cold as the dried blood that was once dripping down my face, seeping into my clothes. I don't think I will ever be able to return to the person I once was. Looking around at the massacre that has taken place, I feel powerful; however, guilt and a nauseating sickness creep behind me like a stray dog. Voices in my head telling me what I have done is justifiable, but in the back of my mind, I know this isn't me, or… maybe it is now.

BREAKING NEWS

THE FEDERATED REPUBLIC OF CORVUS HAS DECLARED WAR AGAINST THE KINGDOM OF ELDORIA. THE PRESIDENT OF CONGRESS SPEAKS ON THE BOMBS SENT OVER TO ELDORIA AND WITNESSES RECOUNT THE TRAGEDY THAT TAKES THE LIVES OF THOUSANDS.

I shut off the TV, unable to watch anymore. Silence surrounds me. I cannot believe this is happening. I have lived my whole life striving for peace, to be nothing like my violent parents, but now, war is on my doorstep. Sirens blare through the walls of my house, making me jump. What the hell. Compelled, I turn the TV back on.

THE KINGDOM OF ELDORIA'S NEWLY APPOINTED KING ANNOUNCED DEAD AT 27. REPORTERS CLAIM THAT CORVUS ASSASSINATED THE MONARCH TO OVERTHROW THE KINGDOM.

“Oh my God, how is this happening so fast?” I whisper, frozen. Then, a pounding at the door.

“OPEN THE DOOR, ELAINE. PLEASE.” I hear my sister yell out.

The second I recognize her voice, I open it, she rushes in and slams it shut behind her.

“Have you heard?” I question her, without greeting.

“Of course, I’ve heard. It’s all over the news. Things are going to get bad, quickly.” Emma responds to me, breathless, as if she ran here.

Oh my God.

“I- I mean, what do we do? Do we stay here? Do we go? Should we call someone?” By the time I finish, my mind is spiraling, and I am running out of oxygen.

Maybe we’re safe, I mean, we are surrounded by mountains, but what if Eldoria wins the war? What if they start a draft? What if-

My sister senses my panic and snaps me out of it.

“We need to stay calm, figure out if it's safe to leave. How much food do you have? Weapons?” She worriedly rattles off questions, and I tune her out, clinging to my peaceful ideals.

I braced myself as I began to listen to Emma's questions once more.. “What if Eldorian soldiers invade Corvus? What if they start killing citizens? Will we have to defend ourselves? This war has just been announced, and things are moving so fast. Their king-”

Peace. Peace. Peace.

“NONE OF THAT WILL HAPPEN!” I finally break, “We will be fine. Things will not get that bad-” Before I can finish, my sister cuts me off,

“You don't know that, things may get violent, CORVUS ASSASSINATED THEIR KING! We need to prepare ourselves, physically, mentally.”

“I…I WILL NOT BE VIOLENT. I WON’T DO IT. I WILL DIE BEFORE I KILL OR HURT SOMEONE, EVEN IF THEIR GOAL IS TO KILL ME.” I scream at her. “You already know this.”

Emma looks at me with a mix of sadness and resolve. She opens her mouth as if she is going to say something, but looks down at the floor instead. After one long minute, she finally responds to me,

“We are blowing this thing way out of proportion. And just to put it out there, defending yourself does not make you like our parents. Protecting yourself does not make you a murderer. I will not let you die because of your trauma with violence. Now,” She paused for a quick second, choking back tears, “I know what happened is hard. I know that you have lived your life trying to be nothing like the monsters who raised us, but this is completely different, and I think you know that.” She lets out a hard breath. “It's ok, we are going to be ok.” She consoles me, “We will figure this out. Things just started. It might die out.”

I don't know what I feel anymore-anger, fear, numbness.

My sister, Emma, told me to get some rest. She thinks I’m weak. I can see it in her eyes when she looks at me. And maybe I am, but why would anyone want to be violent? Why would anyone want to cause harm to another human being for no reason, intentionally? Why is it that the Federated Republic of Corvus, my home, feels entitled to start a war without reason? We are one of the biggest global superpowers of our time. I just don't understand, and I really don't understand how Emma turned out relatively normal after all the abuse we endured living with are parents. They were violent, abusive, horrible people. My arms bear the scars of what they did, along with the rest of my body. I vowed to be nothing like them, even if it kills me.

9 MONTHS LATER

Emma has gone out multiple times for food. The war escalated rapidly; no one had time to prepare or flee. Thousands have died on both sides, citizens and soldiers. Life these past 9 months has been hell. Everybody is terrified to leave their homes, and no matter how much the news tries to sell to the people that things are alright or that things will go back to normal soon, we all know it couldn't be further from the truth.

“We have no food. I have to go.” My sister looks at me fearfully.

“I won't let you go alone again. What if you get killed? Eldorian soldiers are everywhere.” I turn to speak to her, equally as scared.

“And what would you do to help me if they tried?”

I look down at the floor, submerged in guilt.

“Fine, we leave in 10 minutes…it’s never too late to change your mind.” She glances at me, sending a shiver down my spine. I would be lying if I said that I haven't changed. I have tried to stay peaceful-minded and calm, but this mindset seems to be unattainable living in a war-torn Nation.

“Are-are you sure you want to go?”She asks me hesitantly. I know she doesn't want me to. She knows I won't be able to mentally bring myself to hurt someone, even if they are trying to hurt me. I see now why she thinks im weak.

“Uh…yes,” I whisper.

“This shouldn't take long if you just listen to me carefully and follow my lead. Here, take this,” She hands me a large duffel bag. Grab as many imperishable foods as you possibly can, and please, Elaine, for the love of God, be careful.”

The sun is getting ready to set, so we have to be fast.

Emma waves me over, “Follow me through this door.” It seems to me that we are in an abandoned grocery store. Nothing is open due to the war. Everyone has lost everything. It's everybody for themselves. Hastily, I run over to one of the aisles, opening my bag. As I begin to fill my bag with canned food that I hate, I hear a blood-curdling scream.

“PL-PLEASE DON'T DO THIS, PLEASE! ELAINE HELP! HELP ME! PLEASE PLEASE HE- HELP ME.”

Without hesitation, I drop the full duffel bag, sprinting over to the source of all the chaos.

“WHERE ARE YOU, EMMA! TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE! EMMA! EMMA!” I scream at the top of my lungs, choking on fear, still running, looking for her. Then, that's when I see her, blood soaking her previously blue t-shirt, and a man with a knife. Immediately, I grab the crowbar I spotted out of the corner of my eye. Grasping the crowbar tightly, I put all my strength into the swing, my sense of right and wrong momentarily forgotten. And with that, I hear the knife make a clinking sound as it hits the floor, along with my sister and this man. I watch as Emma crawls away from him, trying to catch her breath. SMACK! I swing the crowbar again. And again. And again. The adrenaline in my body is so intense that I feel like I need to keep swinging in order to get it out.

Again, and AGAIN I hit this man, powered by the rage that has spent so long building itself just to be released in this moment.

Emma, finally steadying herself upright, grabs my arm before I swing again, “It's ok. Give me the crowbar.” I realize now that this is overkill. I frown, giving her the crowbar.

“Are you ok?” She whispers to me. I can tell she is worried. Always worried about me.

I look at her, petrified, “Are you kidding me? Some random man just tried to kill you, and you’re asking me if im ok?” Tears are hot as they wash my face. And that's when she says something that shakes me to my core. Something that will replay in my mind for the rest of my life till the day I die.

“He's not some random man. That's our father.”

This moment won't leave my mind. This memory is like a photograph, perfectly preserved and held behind my eyes. It's what I see when I close my eyes, and what I think about when my mind is awake. Seeing my dad dead.

Emma walks into my room, snapping me out of thought, “You really killed someone.”

I stare at her blankly, “Yes.”

“He-he was our father. You killed our father.”

“I know,” I spat at her, tired of her obvious statements.

She looks away as if I have hurt her feelings. “I just can't believe you killed him. After all of the things you said-”

I cut her off, "I know what I said.”

She looks hurt, but I can't help but be hostile right now.

“Then why did you do it, ho-how did you bring yourself to do it?”

I roll over on the bed facing the window so that she can't see my face, “There are some principles I thought were absolute: that I would sooner shatter into a thousand pieces than lift a finger to harm another. But you aren’t another. You are a single, irreplaceable truth that shatters every rule I've ever lived by. I will not let you die, even if it means I must become the person I swore I would never be." By the time I finish this, her jaw is literally on the floor.. She says nothing and stares at me. It starts to get uncomfortable, so I start to speak again, “Go back into the living room, I’ll be out in a minute, we need to eat.” I force a smile.

“Um…ok. I love you,” She leaves.

Alone, I sob. The truth is, I have no idea how I brought myself to do something so violent. It's like for a split second, I wasn't Elaine anymore, and someone had taken over my body. The old me.

I’m a bad person. I’m a bad person. I’m a bad person.

3 MONTHS LATER

If you asked me three months ago if I thought things could get worse, I would have said no. But after killing my father in an attempt to save Emma, everything fell apart. The war ended with Eldoria victorious. Corvus surrendered. Things are still horrendous- disease, starvation, violence. Eldoria has made little effort to stake a claim over the land and the people previously ruled by Corvus. People are still dying from outright murder. I murdered one of those people. I don't feel anything anymore. I look at death as something that is waiting for me and not as something I should avoid as long as possible. I don't see hell as a biblical world hiding out underneath our own because I already live in it. Hell is a place right here on Earth. In all of Eldorian history, they have been decently respectful and peaceful to their people; however, I don't think they see us as their people. They see us as burdens they have to undertake because they had to defend themselves against mass destruction. They have beaten and starved us. They do not care whether we live or die, well, until now.

BOOM! A deafening clap of thunder burst through my eardrum, making me clap my palms to my ears. A force knocks me to the ground, one so strong that it seems to make the earth vibrate. A rush of heat floods around me, burning my skin.

I try to scream for my sister, but my voice is lost in the sound of what I now realize is a bomb. The air is thick with a scent of metal and lost hope. Then, as if nothing were to happen, a ringing silence. The world seemed to hold its breath, as if trying not to trigger something.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Where is Emma? Is she ok? What happened? I thought the war was over.

Thoughts run circles in my head, unable to bring them to a halt. I try to stand up, but fail.

“Emma,” I try to scream, but my words fall into a short whisper, I try to cry, but my tears seem to dry as soon as they leave my eyes.

Thousands of guns are being shot rapidly. I wince at the noise exploding in my ears. The sound of the devastation is drowned out by the screams of people. The screams of the people drown out the sound of the devastation. Adrenaline suddenly surges through my veins, finally giving me the strength to stand up.

“EMMA!” I cry out, never to be answered. I walk alongside the sweaty walls of what used to be my home, “EMMA!”

Please. Please. Please be alive. Emma, please say you are alive. Please answer me.

CLINK! I stumble a little, looking down to see the cause, and it's Emma, with a gun,

“Emma?” I cry out.

“Take this. Don't be stupid, and stay alive.”

“Wha- what are you talking about? Where did you get this? Get up, come on, Emma.”

She looks as if she were already dead. “Listen to me, I am dying, and will not survive this. Here, take this,” She hands me the heavy piece of metal. “Promise me you will try to live.”

“What, no? Don't talk like this. Don't say that.

She cuts me off, “ELAINE, PROMISE ME.”

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I choke back tears, not wanting to waste time, “I-I promise.”

A repetitive BANG sound starts up again, along with more screams. I look at my sister for the last time, “I love you,” I whisper.

I walk over to the window, trying to assess the situation. Men. Guns. Violence. It seems to me that Eldoria has sent over troops, to do I don't know, exterminate us? Tears are rushing down my face, hot, but my face is blank like unused paper. I look down at the gun my sister had given me.

I promised.

I am no soldier. I have no idea what to do except pull the trigger. So that's what I did. Opening the window ever so slightly to get the tip of the gun out, I pull the trigger. The metal shakes blistically in my hands, but I keep my grip tight. I watch as men fall. The longer I hold on to the trigger, the fewer tears fall down my face. I am too focused. Before I opened fire, it didn't seem that there were many men out there, so, not long after, all the men were down. I don't really care if I die at this point, so I open what used to be my front door with effort. Silence. There isn't a single sound. Bodies upon bodies are stacked upon each other, citizens and soldiers. The sight is nauseating.

“I promise,” I repeat to myself.

Men start to scream just as I duck down, lying on the ground. Men running everywhere with huge guns strapped around them.

I pull down on the trigger once more, changing the direction of the gun.

Oh my God.

The men fall back. Blood splattered everywhere, including all over me. Guilt, fright, shame, strength. Emotions cycle through me so quickly, I can't decipher how I truly feel. My finger hovers over the trigger. There are no soldiers in my sight, just bodies, dead. I walk ever to the bodies that were once alive but are now dead, because of me. I stand up, tears forming in my eyes once again.

What have I done!?

I have been kneeling beside these men for what feels like hours. My soul is now as cold as the dried blood that was once dripping down my face, seeping into my clothes. I don't think I will ever be able to return to the person I once was. The massacre is done, and I feel powerful; however, guilt and a nauseating sickness creep behind me like a stray dog. Voices in my head telling me what I have done is justifiable, but in the back of my mind, I know this isn't me, or… maybe it is now.

I grab the metal and face it towards me. My last words linger in the air as I pull the trigger, “I’m sorry, Emma. I love you.”